Thanks to all who have commented and sent emails in the last week. Knowing we’re not alone is really comforting in moments of deep despair. Yes, it’s the new year. I have goals, aspirations and desires beyond belief. Without sounding too dramatic (too late?) I need to take a few moments to reflect on this past year and hopefully lay some things to rest.
Last year I ventured into the world of freelance office work as a marketing, advertising and personal assistant for a few different clients. Right before that I worked at a prestigious university, processing applications and giving campus tours. I loved the position but, like many before me, refused to be micromanaged by an overbearing boss. It was a mutual decision when I refused to do work extra hours beyond my job description for no compensation.
Then I found YouTube and wanted to spend every waking moment creating, writing, filming and editing videos. That’s when the freelance work came my way. I was lucky to go on a random interview that turned into other work, completely different than the job I’d interviewed for.
Summer came and I was busy but miserable in my work. It was nowhere near fulfilling. What was I thinking? Turns out I was unfulfilled in other areas of life too and saw the end of a good long-term relationship.
Then came the fall. I met an Aussie who turned my world upside down as my world was already spinning out of control. So much all at once. I lost work quickly. I found myself living in the ghetto all alone.
All I wanted to do was sell everything and move to Australia. But with no work on either end, and a pup and kitty to care for, timing just wasn’t right.
We worked hard to get a housemate, to get extra work, to tie loose ends and to get Aussie here for the holidays. We failed at the latter and we were devastated. Anxiety and depression struck hard and deep. Nothing eased the burning ache, the sleepless nights, the days without food, the heartbreaking worry.
I found myself in a free clinic the day before New Years Eve. It was early morning. I saw a doctor for a prescription, a nurse for intake and a counselor for referrals. The receptionist and security guard (15 minute security check before I could even go in) were all very welcoming and warm. I sat in a comfy leather reclining chair in a room filled with magazines and a flat screen tv. I was in and out in less than two hours.
Immediately I felt relief.
That only lasted a day. New Year’s Eve was another tough emotional day and I was fed up! My medication had been delivered to my house, but I was house sitting in Malibu. So I made the trek to the ‘hood to get my fix. How cliche.
I took my first dose on New Year’s Day and since then, I’ve been experiencing the placebo effect. Nothing has changed except my perception. Well, that and a new-found level of commitment in my relationship.
It’s not easy. Work is still nil and adds to my intense anxiety.
Goals for the new year coming up.