Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Keeping On The Honesty Path

(mirror post)

As you know I’ve been struggling with situational anxiety and depression. I hate labels. But these labels actually express truth for me.

I’ve come out of a long-term relationship. I’ve lost work. I am barely hanging on to my home. I’ve isolated myself for many reasons - most of them involve some kind of rock-bottom low sense of selfness.

I can barely get myself out of bed in the mornings. I can hardly function in the world. My mind is in overdrive, telling me all kinds of truth lies about what I deserve.

I’m in limbo. I struggle and I don’t want to be here.

In a desperate attempt to find low-cost assistance, I’ve been passed down from one referral to another. Currently I’ve landed at a new 24 hour urgent care clinic that offers mental health services. I will visit them in the morning. They were very nice on the phone and said the average wait time is 2-4 hours. Not bad at all, considering I’m without insurance, without income and really need to be assessed for medication.

~ I can’t believe I’m talking about medication in here. Oh well. Either you’re here or you’re not, right? ~

I just know my poor brain chemistry is wacked! I know it from past experience. I know it because I don’t have control over how I feel at any given moment. And that’s not okay with me. Not for a second. Some moments are ok. Some are great. Many are really bad. And I can’t predict what the next moment will bring. It’s gotten to the point where I am afraid to go to bed at night because I’m terrified of how I will feel when I wake up in the morning.

I want to feel good, and I just don’t. I want to be productive but I have no motivation. I want to find purpose but it’s all I can do to just to breathe comfortably.

I’ve made a list of daily obtainable goals. Don’t laugh (or do) but when getting out of bed in the morning is one of the most difficult tasks, playing guitar, taking a shower and eating something all in the same day can feel like mountains to climb.

I’ve made a second list of tasks that need to be done in the next week. Like pay my cell phone bill, buy dog food, clean the kitchen, wash bedding, return emails and write others. Without this list, I’m useless. I went out tonight to tackle a few at the same time but forgot the list. Left to my own memory on a good day isn’t promising. Never mind trying to remember anything on stress-brain. I’m a mess.

I was in the Co-Op, circling the aisles for jojoba oil, looking like a stranger in a strange land. Not only did I get lost looking for it but I managed to forget what I was looking for! Ultimately I remembered. Still, no list, no brain.

Who’s still with me?

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Susan said...

It's good that you are trying to get better organized. Lists help, but computerized reminders help even more. Please sign up for a free reminder service like OnTimeRx.com so you will be able to stay on your medications once you get some medical help. If you spend a lot of time on your computer, the OnTimeRx desktop program is a very complete medication manager program that is helping people - lots of users around the world - many of them are ADHD and brain injury patients, who say they can't live without this program. I know it will help you, too. Please give it a try.

I hope 2009 is a much better year for you. Good Luck!

aims said...

Still with ya sweetie. still thinking of you and sending big hugs and prayers your way. Take care of yourself. When i get depressed (which is often now thanks to the economy)I tend to go into a hole and stop communicating. That's the worst thing to do. Stay in touch with friends.

Love ya!

aims said...

Hello dear, just checking in with you. I hope you have your 'puter problem resolved soon! I try to keep up with your vlog on youtube. I have an account there but can't remember how to login to it or I'd leave you comments there. :-/ Silly me. :)
take care of yourself!