Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Keeping On The Honesty Path

(mirror post)

As you know I’ve been struggling with situational anxiety and depression. I hate labels. But these labels actually express truth for me.

I’ve come out of a long-term relationship. I’ve lost work. I am barely hanging on to my home. I’ve isolated myself for many reasons - most of them involve some kind of rock-bottom low sense of selfness.

I can barely get myself out of bed in the mornings. I can hardly function in the world. My mind is in overdrive, telling me all kinds of truth lies about what I deserve.

I’m in limbo. I struggle and I don’t want to be here.

In a desperate attempt to find low-cost assistance, I’ve been passed down from one referral to another. Currently I’ve landed at a new 24 hour urgent care clinic that offers mental health services. I will visit them in the morning. They were very nice on the phone and said the average wait time is 2-4 hours. Not bad at all, considering I’m without insurance, without income and really need to be assessed for medication.

~ I can’t believe I’m talking about medication in here. Oh well. Either you’re here or you’re not, right? ~

I just know my poor brain chemistry is wacked! I know it from past experience. I know it because I don’t have control over how I feel at any given moment. And that’s not okay with me. Not for a second. Some moments are ok. Some are great. Many are really bad. And I can’t predict what the next moment will bring. It’s gotten to the point where I am afraid to go to bed at night because I’m terrified of how I will feel when I wake up in the morning.

I want to feel good, and I just don’t. I want to be productive but I have no motivation. I want to find purpose but it’s all I can do to just to breathe comfortably.

I’ve made a list of daily obtainable goals. Don’t laugh (or do) but when getting out of bed in the morning is one of the most difficult tasks, playing guitar, taking a shower and eating something all in the same day can feel like mountains to climb.

I’ve made a second list of tasks that need to be done in the next week. Like pay my cell phone bill, buy dog food, clean the kitchen, wash bedding, return emails and write others. Without this list, I’m useless. I went out tonight to tackle a few at the same time but forgot the list. Left to my own memory on a good day isn’t promising. Never mind trying to remember anything on stress-brain. I’m a mess.

I was in the Co-Op, circling the aisles for jojoba oil, looking like a stranger in a strange land. Not only did I get lost looking for it but I managed to forget what I was looking for! Ultimately I remembered. Still, no list, no brain.

Who’s still with me?

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Sunday, December 28, 2008

OK Fine, I'll Be Honest

When I first started blogging, over five years ago, I spent a lot of time processing stuff that passed through and/or got stuck in my head, my heart and my spirit. Somewhere along the line, after I switched blog addresses (thank you AOL), I focused more on external happenings.

Well, we're nearing a new year again. I've experienced and created a lot of change and upheaval in the last few months. I've made the commitment to blog or vlog more often. And the only way I can do that is to get back to roots.

Sure I can laugh and share fun photos and stories. That won't change. That's a huge part of who I am. But there are other sides to me, as there are to all of us. It's time to come out and go in again. Does that even make sense? It does to me.

It's been a couple of years since I've experienced such intense anxiety and depression as I have in these last few months. I'm not talking about a down day or a few worries. I'm talking full blown panic, close to dibilitation. I know it's situational. I know my chemistry is off because of it. But it doesn't make it any less intense. In fact, my chest, my heart feels pressure all the time.

I won't bore you with the wahhhs but I've decided that this is my place and I need to be honest. If I can't do it here, then where? Well, I will probably do mirror posts in my transferred blog for those of you who would much rather read over there. (fyi: this is the mirror blog) That's fine. But this is the beginning of another honest road. It won't always be pretty.

One note of importance: This is my journal and I'm committed to focusing on self-reflection. It's never my intention to hurt anyone through my process.

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Thursday, December 25, 2008

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Newness - again!

Oh my, I guess I should be checking in here as well as my main blog. Sorry folks. I kind of just went with the flow of things when AOL emailed saying our Journals would be permanently deleted. I should have done a manual backup because I would've been able to save comments as well. But I didn't. I had way too much emotional stuff going on.

So here I am.

I wonder, is this a good way to reconnect with some friends from AOL-J? Are you enjoying your new blog homes? I had switched to blogger three years ago out of frustration with AOL (you remember) so I've kinda been outta the loop.

If you're here, I will try to update this blog more often. I usually blog here at PEACES - the journey continues.

If you go there, please leave a link to your blog so I can follow you.

Not sure what I'll be doing with this one. I seem to be at a crossroads in many aspects of my life. I just may start a brand new blog but we all know how that goes. It's fun but tedious.

I'd love to be in touch. Here's where you can find me online.

I'm also on Facebook and Myspace as Trish Monaco.

Be in touch. xo