Sunday, March 2, 2008

Mirror: ONE

I know many of you don't read blogs outside of AOL (no judgment. just saying) so I'm probably going to mirror some posts (like this one) from my website journal.

Taboo Talk: Age

I’m battling some new-ish demons lately.   The subject of age has always been taboo in the music and entertainment industry.  I’ve never been bothered by age or ageism.  Of course, why would I have been?  I was younger.

So how do I keep myself honest in my journal and avoid discussing the taboo subject?  I’ve put it off long enough.  I’m about to explode.  Age meant nothing to me for the longest time.  I was unable to understand friends and colleagues in their quarter- and mid-life crises.  The older I got, the more I looked forward to the next decade.

I do remember feeling old and washed up at 19, having not become the actress I’d planned my whole life.   Then when I moved to LA at 23, I thought I’d missed all opportunities.  I suppose it was my unconscious way of keeping myself from taking certain career risks.

Oh how I wish I were 23 again.  But not as my 23-year-old-self.

Sometime around 36 I acquired ten extra pounds on my body.   I’ve been telling myself I’m ten pounds over weight.  This has been the only constant for almost four years.  No matter what I do, what I eat, how much I exercise or don’t, I’m still ten pounds over weight.  I think I’ve finally accepted the fact that ten pounds over weight is my normal weight.

Great, one milestone accomplished.

Now, what’s with these wrinkles?  Suddenly all I can see when I look in the mirror are miles and miles of wrinkles on my face - in places only a grandma should have them.  Oh how I wish I was taught better skincare.

And where did this extra skin come from?  I swear, when I smile my cheeks frown.  This can’t be happening.  I’m young, healthy, active and vibrant - with aged written all over my face.  What am I, cheese? (Oh great, my own slogan.  old Trish: the new cheese)

In May I’ll be forty.  Oh god, I couldn’t even type the 4 and the 0 next to each other.  Who am I?  Am I the same person who was thrilled for my good friends who have celebrated half a century over the years?

I know I’m not old.  I know it, in theory.

Feeling ugly isn’t new for me.  Feeling old is.  Put them together and forget it!  I am one miserable duck (no longer a duckling even).

So sad.

4 comments:

onetoughcookie43 said...

Hey Sweetie.
I can understand how you feel. I personally looked forward to 40 but am not feeling the almost 5-0 just yet. (I'm 47). I think that today and especially in the entertainment industry, soooooo many women are trying to defy age the "unnatural" way. When we look at entertainers these days, we don't see a "natural" aging. We see botox, and lifts and tucks. I have always admired Tina Turner. I have always felt she was the epitome of beauty as she aged.But, when I saw her on the grammy's it saddened me that her face seemed so full of botox that her face seemed frozen. So many of Entertainment's most beautiful women are cheating themselves out of the natural progression of age. As women, we are losing ourselves in the pursuit of what "society" says is beauty instead of embracing "who" we are and not what we "look" like. You are NOT old. Age is a state of mind. You are a talented, vibrant, creative, soulful WOMAN no matter what your age. Embrace yourself Trish. Fall into your creativity and rejoice that you are still here, alive, and healthy. The other stuff while I know it is hard, pales in comparison. I tell myself these very things every day when I feel fat, and unattractive. I try to remember that those things have absolutely nothing to do with "who" I am. Never forget that you are loved girl!!! Sending hugs, love, and understanding to you!!!
RC

aims814 said...

Hey there, hon. You sound a lot like me when I wrote about my 40th, here--> http://journals.aol.com/aims814/Dailygratitudesandattitudes/entries/2006/07/25/turning-forty-with-an-attitude-of-gratitude/1352

Let me tell you, it really isn't so bad. (lol) Yeah, with age we lose our elasticity and even some of our hair in a lot of cases but we also gain a lot with age. For me, I've gained weight, too. But like you said, I've accepted that's the new normal for me; I threw out all of my size 2's and I'm not looking back (too much). What's the old saying? With age comes wisdom? Yeah, that's true. But something else positive happened on the inside after turning forty. I can't really explain it with words but ... you'll see what I mean. ;-)  

I totally agree with RC's comment. I found myself nodding my head, agreeing with every word she said. I really can't say it better so I'll finish my comment with, "Yeah, what SHE said!" ha!

You take care, and by the way, pictures say a thousand words and you're still just as adorable as ever.

Lots of hugs!

freeepeace said...

thanks you two.  you're right on many levels.  I'm looking forward to the transformation.  I was forgetting that this mucky feeling (as long as it has been going on) is just a catalyst.  I needed to see this stuff and acknowledge it before I could begin to get a glimpse of what's to come.

It is true RC that I'm in an industry (and town) that promotes age-defying methods.  It's only been in the last year or so that I've been able to understand why so many women have "work" done on their bodies.  For me, I'm looking for natural remedies that will improve my damaged skin.  We'll see what I come up with.

Thanks again. Love you both.

aims814 said...

You're welcome, hon. And hey ... Please keep us updated on those natural remedies you find, okay? ;-)

hugs!!