I’m battling some new-ish demons lately. The subject of age has always been taboo in the music and entertainment industry. I’ve never been bothered by age or ageism. Of course, why would I have been? I was younger.
So how do I keep myself honest in my journal and avoid discussing the taboo subject? I’ve put it off long enough. I’m about to explode. Age meant nothing to me for the longest time. I was unable to understand friends and colleagues in their quarter- and mid-life crises. The older I got, the more I looked forward to the next decade.
I do remember feeling old and washed up at 19, having not become the actress I’d planned my whole life. Then when I moved to LA at 23, I thought I’d missed all opportunities. I suppose it was my unconscious way of keeping myself from taking certain career risks.
Oh how I wish I were 23 again. But not as my 23-year-old-self.
Sometime around 36 I acquired ten extra pounds on my body. I’ve been telling myself I’m ten pounds over weight. This has been the only constant for almost four years. No matter what I do, what I eat, how much I exercise or don’t, I’m still ten pounds over weight. I think I’ve finally accepted the fact that ten pounds over weight is my normal weight.
Great, one milestone accomplished.
Now, what’s with these wrinkles? Suddenly all I can see when I look in the mirror are miles and miles of wrinkles on my face - in places only a grandma should have them. Oh how I wish I was taught better skincare.
And where did this extra skin come from? I swear, when I smile my cheeks frown. This can’t be happening. I’m young, healthy, active and vibrant - with aged written all over my face. What am I, cheese? (Oh great, my own slogan. old Trish: the new cheese)
In May I’ll be forty. Oh god, I couldn’t even type the 4 and the 0 next to each other. Who am I? Am I the same person who was thrilled for my good friends who have celebrated half a century over the years?
I know I’m not old. I know it, in theory.
Feeling ugly isn’t new for me. Feeling old is. Put them together and forget it! I am one miserable duck (no longer a duckling even).