Tuesday, December 30, 2008
As you know I’ve been struggling with situational anxiety and depression. I hate labels. But these labels actually express truth for me.
I’ve come out of a long-term relationship. I’ve lost work. I am barely hanging on to my home. I’ve isolated myself for many reasons - most of them involve some kind of rock-bottom low sense of selfness.
I can barely get myself out of bed in the mornings. I can hardly function in the world. My mind is in overdrive, telling me all kinds of truth lies about what I deserve.
I’m in limbo. I struggle and I don’t want to be here.
In a desperate attempt to find low-cost assistance, I’ve been passed down from one referral to another. Currently I’ve landed at a new 24 hour urgent care clinic that offers mental health services. I will visit them in the morning. They were very nice on the phone and said the average wait time is 2-4 hours. Not bad at all, considering I’m without insurance, without income and really need to be assessed for medication.
~ I can’t believe I’m talking about medication in here. Oh well. Either you’re here or you’re not, right? ~
I just know my poor brain chemistry is wacked! I know it from past experience. I know it because I don’t have control over how I feel at any given moment. And that’s not okay with me. Not for a second. Some moments are ok. Some are great. Many are really bad. And I can’t predict what the next moment will bring. It’s gotten to the point where I am afraid to go to bed at night because I’m terrified of how I will feel when I wake up in the morning.
I want to feel good, and I just don’t. I want to be productive but I have no motivation. I want to find purpose but it’s all I can do to just to breathe comfortably.
I’ve made a list of daily obtainable goals. Don’t laugh (or do) but when getting out of bed in the morning is one of the most difficult tasks, playing guitar, taking a shower and eating something all in the same day can feel like mountains to climb.
I’ve made a second list of tasks that need to be done in the next week. Like pay my cell phone bill, buy dog food, clean the kitchen, wash bedding, return emails and write others. Without this list, I’m useless. I went out tonight to tackle a few at the same time but forgot the list. Left to my own memory on a good day isn’t promising. Never mind trying to remember anything on stress-brain. I’m a mess.
I was in the Co-Op, circling the aisles for jojoba oil, looking like a stranger in a strange land. Not only did I get lost looking for it but I managed to forget what I was looking for! Ultimately I remembered. Still, no list, no brain.
Who’s still with me?
link to original post
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Well, we're nearing a new year again. I've experienced and created a lot of change and upheaval in the last few months. I've made the commitment to blog or vlog more often. And the only way I can do that is to get back to roots.
Sure I can laugh and share fun photos and stories. That won't change. That's a huge part of who I am. But there are other sides to me, as there are to all of us. It's time to come out and go in again. Does that even make sense? It does to me.
It's been a couple of years since I've experienced such intense anxiety and depression as I have in these last few months. I'm not talking about a down day or a few worries. I'm talking full blown panic, close to dibilitation. I know it's situational. I know my chemistry is off because of it. But it doesn't make it any less intense. In fact, my chest, my heart feels pressure all the time.
I won't bore you with the wahhhs but I've decided that this is my place and I need to be honest. If I can't do it here, then where? Well, I will probably do mirror posts in my transferred blog for those of you who would much rather read over there. (fyi: this is the mirror blog) That's fine. But this is the beginning of another honest road. It won't always be pretty.
One note of importance: This is my journal and I'm committed to focusing on self-reflection. It's never my intention to hurt anyone through my process.
link to original post
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
So here I am.
I wonder, is this a good way to reconnect with some friends from AOL-J? Are you enjoying your new blog homes? I had switched to blogger three years ago out of frustration with AOL (you remember) so I've kinda been outta the loop.
If you're here, I will try to update this blog more often. I usually blog here at PEACES - the journey continues.
If you go there, please leave a link to your blog so I can follow you.
Not sure what I'll be doing with this one. I seem to be at a crossroads in many aspects of my life. I just may start a brand new blog but we all know how that goes. It's fun but tedious.
I'd love to be in touch. Here's where you can find me online.
I'm also on Facebook and Myspace as Trish Monaco.
Be in touch. xo
Monday, August 18, 2008
The pool is ok. No rips or tears. I, however, kick into deep post-traumatic stress every time I hear running water now. It’ll pass. I hope.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
So Niller has come and gone. We had a great summer of movies, pool adventures, bodyboarding, video making, BlogTV, stickam and beach volleyball. It's hard to believe she was here for seven weeks. I feel like she just arrived maybe a week or two ago. Time flies.
I haven't been posting in here because I've been spending most of my online time in the YouTube community. I know I should post every video I upload over here but I forget...often.
I've been doing a weekly show with another YouTuber every Monday morning. We just started so we're still trying to find our groove. So far it's been an interesting experiment. I have to see if our big camera will act as a webcam so I can do live music shows. That's what folks are asking for. And that would be great to do. Right now, my new webcam, while it has decent picture quality, the microphone just sucks. And my computer is almost four years old so the mic jack is jacked.
We'll see what I can figure out.
I'm a tiny bit envious of the YouTubers who are in Toronto for the 8-8-8 gathering this weekend. But I have such low ambition today that I might have slept through all the events.
Bodyboarding is my new favorite thing to do in Los Angeles. I'm saving for my own bodyboard, fins and a wet-shirt. Maybe a wetsuit. At least the shirt because I wore a bikini top my first time out and came back a little roughed up. I was slammed by the ocean pretty hard my first day out too. But that didn't stop me from going two days later. I'd go again today if I had my own bodyboard. Soon though.
More again soon. Is everyone enjoying summer? Or winter, depending on your location.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
If you’re keeping up with my YT videos then you’ve probably seen this BlogTV Comedy Spoof collab video we did with a bunch of other YouTubers. I’m posting the link in case you missed it. This is the kind of project that makes me wish for better editing software and a more powerful computer. Yes, it’s time for both. I’ll get there.
Even if you’re keeping up with my YT channel, you still may not have seen the following video by vanillawave4peace (I call her Niller, as in ‘nilla). She, PBX and I had breakfast with one of our favorite YouTubers last week: SHAYCARL. He was in Los Angeles for business and was able to squeeze a few free hours to visit with us. So you know, he’s as charismatic, personable and intelligent as his online personality.
The following video is Niller’s concept. PBX and I helped with production but that’s about it. Niller edited the entire thing herself. It’s really good - and so funny! You can watch it here but if you have a YouTube account, please click the link to leave her a comment on the video. She would love that! This stuff isn’t easy. And she made it look really easy.
or watch it here.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
I keep meaning to update in here but I get so caught up in the world of video that by the time I have a free moment, I'm writing another sketch comedy or collaborating with other YouTubers. Time is also spent watching The Shaycarl Party on BlogTV. Or hopping into an EmptyIsAwesome chat on stickam. I'm not there as often as I was when I first started but still, if someone sends me a link and says, "Hey, come say hi to us," it's easy to just click and go. Last night it took me away from editing and converting video.
This collaborative project we're working on this weekend is becoming a little more involved than I anticipated. Some of the video files were created on a Mac. Nothing wrong with Mac files, unless you're like me and editing on Windows software. That's where research and time come into play. Blah. I still haven't found the one conversion software that will do the job accurately. It's choppy and laggy.
Anyway, that's what's going on.
Not to mention I spent all day yesterday either in bed or the bathroom. I couldn't keep anything in my body. It was frustrating and uncomfortable. I'm feeling a little better today but still not 100% strong.
I did an online yoga class the other night. It was great
- except my screen saver kept popping up and I had to keep stopping the
video to get the full yoga experience. The instructor flew through the
poses. I think it was a 90 minute class condensed into 45 minutes. But
effective enough to give me a charlie horse through my entire left leg
two days later. Big ouch.
My work hours have slowed down, partially my own fault. I was banking on more hours with one client when I let go of another client. But it sorta didn't happen. I had to let go of the other client. I was sitting there, doing nothing for hours at a time. I felt brain dead. Now I wish I just continued to be brain dead. I was getting paid for it. Still, not exactly ethical to charge them for sitting around.
I did get a call from another person who needs my help in the near future. He's just putting his stuff together, figuring out exactly what he needs. He said "I'm not looking at anyone else. I hope it's ok that I call you in a couple of weeks." Nice guy.
So I'm not panicking (yet). I'm working enough hours with my two clients to at least float.
What else? Oh yeah, this one's kinda big and scary. I joined a few actors resources websites. I can read breakdowns and submit my headshot and resume for roles I think suit me. I've always wanted to be a television/film actress. I gave it up a long time ago. I'm back around to feeling like I passed up on my number one love. So I have to try. And I have to admit I want it. Meaning, I have to be willing to fail or succeed. Anything else is just in-between...which is kinda where I've been for 16 years.I guess that's it for now. Hope you are well. What am I missing in the blogosphere? Feel free to link-drop in the comments. I know I've been MIA in your blogs. I read through my feeder but I know it's not the same.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
So last week I did a live spur-of-the-moment BlogTV show. I announced it everywhere (here, my website, twitter, youtube). I had people emailing me in a panic because they couldn't access my show. NO WORRIES: NEITHER COULD I.
Man did that suck. I spent thirty minutes troubleshooting. Everyone was "trying to get in" and nothing would load. So we dumped that idea and went to STICKAM for a group chat. Had fun but I know I threw some people off. Sorry!
I keep getting emails and questions about when I will be doing another live show. So, I've taken another chance and scheduled a live show for THURSDAY at 8PM PDT (that's 11pm eastern) -- Here's the link to my show -- You don't have to be a member. You won't even have to get on camera. You can join us and chat with me and others via text. Would love to see you there.
If you want to get alerts about last-minute shows, click that link now, create a username and SUBSCRIBE.
Another way to get alerts about what I'm up to on a regular basis is to FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER.
The new episode of Freeepeace Ninja is a hit on my YouTube channel. It's become a series. I'm writing other episodes that will introduce new characters played by friends from the YouTube community. This episode introduces PBX's daughter who is quickly building her own following on YouTube.
Quick, fun and funny! Watch it here: Freeepeace Ninja, Episode 2: Bikini Ninja
1. If I were to schedule a weekly show, what day/time would be best for you?
2. If you were going to buy "freeepeace schwag" what would interest you most: tshirts, hats, mouse pads, bags, mugs, keychains, stickers, undies, lollipops? (the last two were not my original ideas)
I guess that's it. I thought I had many more questions but I can't think of them now. I'm so tired.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
I've been working a lot. When I'm not working, it's mostly about videos - writing, recording, editing, watching. If you haven't been keeping tabs on my YouTube channel, I'll briefly tell you - pbx6319 and her daughter vanillawave4peace have joined the world of YouTube. It's total vlog-o-rama in our place. They're gaining subscribers and joining the community. It's almost too much fun. More to come!
And when I'm not doing that, I'm sitting by or in our new pool. Check out how our new pool made it from the store to our backyard.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
I vowed NOT to cover this song because "everyone's doing it" but that vow brought a few requests. Who am I to deny you? xo
I'M YOURS - performed by Trish Monaco
Lyrics & Music by Jason Mraz
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Uh-oh, I've done it again. I'm sorry dear AOL Journal, for neglecting you these last couple of weeks. I've been actively blogging, vlogging and tweeting elsewhere. I think of you often, but I forget to actually post updates.
But here I am, just a few days shy of my 40th birthday. I think I'm ready. I'm excited to celebrate. We're having a party at our place. I have a hair appointment during the day. I desperately need a hair cut. I bought new makeup, have freshly waxed legs and I finally bought my facial mask that I've been living without for too long. And I spent yesterday trying to hold a handstand for 8 seconds. Six was the max but it's the trying that counts.
If you want to get caught up with details, come visit my blog, peaces - the journey continues. I'd love to see you there. You can also follow me on twitter.
I'll be back again. Hopefully not too long between posts.
Till next time. Lots of love.
Friday, May 2, 2008
Monday, April 28, 2008
My heart is full.
Some of you know I’ve been a little down on the musician part of
myself. The part that feels like I have to promote and beg people to
come to my gigs. The part that feels like I have to play gigs, as opposed to wanting to. It’s that whole indie music business stuff. (you can read an entry about it on my MySpace blog. I rarely blog there but when I do, it's usually about music.)
I used to love writing and playing my music. I’ve always loved singing and performing. Somehow that has shifted over the last couple of years.
Usually things fall into place when I get on stage and I begin to remember why I love it so much. Like last week’s gig at The Cat Club. I was anxious as hell until I got on stage. I reminded myself of the reasons I started making my own music - to share. Not to perform. So last week wasn’t my best performance but it was a comfortable one.
Today I’m reminded once again.
I received an email from a fan. Truly. A fan. A beautiful being who is so moved by my CD that she blogged poetry inspired by one of my songs. It blew me away. To think that someone (other than a friend or family member) is on a spiritual journey with my lyrics by her side. I dunno. It’s just heart-warming.
That’s the reminder. I love connecting with people. Through words, music, video, face-to-face, however. It’s just about the connection. And even more, it’s about connecting to spirit. My music was created from my journey. It means what it means to me. And I love that it takes - or accompanies - others on their journeys. And it means whatever it means to the listener.
That’s why I sing. To share. It’s not just my story anymore. It’s ours.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Friday, April 18, 2008
I've been doing some research and I have some questions. I've asked similar ones before but I want to see if anything's changed much in your world.
I've been using micro-blogging site Twitter.com to keep people posted on where I'm at and what's going on throughout the day. I like it. Mostly I like that I can follow others and if I want, I can do it from my cell phone. I typically don't though. I only have seven followers. But still.
So the first set of questions -- Are you using twitter? If so, what do you think of it? Are you using a different micro-blogging site? Spill!
Next up - Social Networking. Are you on Facebook or MySpace? How about others? What's your favorite and why?
Finally, my Windows Movie Maker has just about given up on me. Video is jumpy, slow and just takes for-freaken-ever to work with (import and export). I'm looking into compatible consumer-level editing software like Adobe Premiere Elements. Any thoughts?
Oh, headed to San Diego in the morning for a YouTube gathering. Hopefully I'll get some good footage (at least some good stories). Kinda bummed about the editing software. Makes for major frustration. sigh.
I'll keep you posted. But in the meantime, answer my questions - here or in email. I look forward to reading your thoughts and experiences.
Thanks much. Peace all.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Well, here I am waiting for the arrival of my new Shaycarl T-shirt!
Friday, April 11, 2008
It's a vicious cycle.
It's late. I should be sleeping.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Things have been busy for me - which is good. I started working freelance for a few different people. I'm just finding my groove with that. I'm still playing catch up as far as bills are concerned. But there's a light...I can see it. :)
I've been struck with the sicky that's been going around. I feel blessed because I haven't been knocked out completely. It's been two days of that "underwater" feeling and sore throat, etc. But because one other member of this household has had it severely for almost three weeks (isn't that crazy!) we now know what medicines to take and how much rest is needed. So I kinda got a jump on it. I stayed in bed ALL DAY yesterday.
I've been on the couch all day today but because I do freelance work, I was able to get a few hours in from here. Yay.
I have to go into an office tomorrow for a few hours...so I really need to be at least a little better.
I got an early b-day present (very early) that I've been using to record non-stop video. Yay. It's the same camera as my first digicam but this one is upgraded. 7.1 mp photos and over an hour of video capabilities on one memory card. Let the fun begin.
I'll be going to San Diego to a YouTube gathering on the 19th and then I have a gig at The Cat Club in W.Hollywood on Sunset Blvd on the 22nd. I have to get well!
That's it for now. Just wanted to keep you posted. How are you? What's up? What's going on?
Be in touch! I'll be reading! xo
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Tags: youtube, truth or fiction, big yellow taxi, paved paradise, songs, cover songs, music, guitars
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
I'm grateful for those I still have in my life - like those of you who are reading now. And I'm grateful for the times I shared with those who are no longer around - like SloMo and Aileen who I miss periodically. They both just kinda dropped out of the community and out of my life. Both were active friends in my life as well as journal-buddies. But what can I do? I can't be responsible for their actions. I only know myself.
Interesting. That's not what I came here to write about. This journal has a spirit of its own.
I've been working for a guy who has a few companies rolling. I work both in his office and from home. Plus I do personal errands (drop him at the airport, bring his Porsche to the shop). If you saw my Truth or Fiction Revealed video (I know two of you saw it), remember when I said I walked away from over a million dollars and that I'd do it differently today? Strangely, this feels like another chance. I have no idea what this will be. But I'm eager to learn. It's such a different lifestyle. I may need to upgrade my wardrobe.
I'd been having trouble getting to sleep and then sleeping through the night but I've been able to sleep two nights in a row now. It's a drag feeling exhausted but unable to sleep.
Oh, before I hit the next blogging post I'm curious - Does anyone know the best way to post an update in ONE place that will update ALL places? I update my personal website, this journal, facebook, myspace, twitter and the list continues. Thoughts?
Peace & Love,
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Before I forget, I just figured out how to read my aol/aim mail through my gmail account. Actually, I set up all my email accounts through gmail. Now everything goes to one place. What a concept!
This is great news for us because now I can receive email alerts again. So if you have an AOL Journal that you want me to read, please send me the link so I can add it to my alerts! This is most helpful with Private Journals. I generally use Bloglines as my feed-reader but Bloglines doesn't recognize the Private Journals feed which is a huge bummer because I'm always behind.
I make lists but my brain can't be trusted to remember to even check those lists, or remember where they are. If I get an email alert or an Instant Message, I am more likely to read it in the moment. So please, even if you think I have it, send me your journal links.
VIDEOS, SOFTWARE AND COMPUTER STUFF
I'm starting to make some sense of these vlogging, mini-movies and music videos I've been creating. PBX told me I should be editing on her desktop computer. I resisted for so long. I just like the convenience of sitting in bed, or on the couch or in the music room with my laptop. But after flying through a couple of videos on the desktop I see just how much of an inconvenience it really is to suffer through software crashes, low memory and slow uploads on the laptop.
Not only that, but I installed the webcam on the desktop today and imagine my surprise when the audio wasn't all buzzy and fuzzy like it is on my laptop. The video quality is still compromised in night-time light so vlogs via webcam will have to be daytime recordings.
My poor laptop. At least there's the desktop. Thankfully. So much to be thankful for.
Uh-oh here we go. I'm feeling a heap of gratitude welling up.
So we know I've been out of work for a month. (Can you believe it's been a whole month?) I've been low and worried and scared and broke with nowhere to turn. Seriously. I have zero dollars. PBX is in her last semester of grad school (earning her second Masters Degree). We're living on student loans. Not a pretty sight.
I sent a boatload of resumes over the weeks while unemployed. Last week I got a call to interview for a part time office manager-slash-marketing admin. Two totally different job descriptions for one part-time person. The woman who organized the interview is a freelance worker for that office. The interview went well. We all liked each other.
I was hired to be HALF of that part-time position. I started last Friday. It was unclear just what I would be doing beyond specific projects. (this could get long - let's nip this in the bud...)
In the end, I've been hired as a contractor to (get this) start their company blog. It's a doggie daycare. How right-up-my-alley is that?! So I did that - just have to train the staff on updating. Next is a quarterly newsletter. I have to call tomorrow to get details on timeframe and stuff.
So that's cool.
BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE
Since I wasn't hired to do the full job of office manager, I've been referred to two other people who need immediate help - freelancing (to start at least). With prospects of future work in other marketing realms.
PBX and I had just talked about the idea of me doing exactly this!
I started doing work for someone today, from home, in bed even. Not like that, guys. Get your minds out of the gutter. I started some research and created business/marketing materials.
We haven't even met in person yet. He's a busy businessman. Travels a lot, I believe. I think we'll meet when he returns to LA on Friday. So far, he's pleased with my rough drafts and preliminary materials. We seem to be on the same page.
I hope I can keep up. I'm not a professional in the area of marketing. But I've been doing my own marketing for years. And he wants someone who's good at creative writing to make his services look and sound way too good to pass up (and you know what, they are, so that should be easy.)
Now I just need to learn more about building websites. I can maintain an already-existing site but I don't know enough (much at all) about web 2.0 and SEO. I'm constantly researching though, so I should be able to learn.
I did not sleep a wink last night. I was awake till 6am. I was finally drifting off to sleep at about 5:30 when I heard HunnyBunny start revving up to throw up (you know that sound of like, a plunger). I dragged my
I finished cleaning her sickness (it was an easy one) and when I opened the door to call the kids in (2 dogs + 1 cat = 3 kids) I heard Piper doing his hunting-bark. It's this constant, low-tone bark that goes something like this: "ruff ruff ruff + inhale + ruff ruff ruff" and repeat with no concern for anyone else in the world. This usually means he has cornered a critter (or he thinks he has).
He doesn't recognize my voice in these moments. He doesn't even see the big gray feral feline in attack position, hissing, spitting and swiping claws in his face. He just knows the cat is there...somewhere.
It's still dark at this hour so after four or five whisper-calls to him, I use my "don't make me come get you" voice -- a voice only Hunny hears (very well) and retreats to the house. (our own cat, by the way, is usually the first to scurry back into the house during these stand-offs). This was Piper's third incident of disobedience this week. I had to storm to him and scoop him up. The mean kitty had no fear of the human charging toward them.
Piper could get so hurt. He's all of seven pounds. And possibly legally blind. He goes by smell - usually very well. So then why can't he smell the claws swinging by his face???
That kept me up till after 6am. I slept till about 8:30 this morning. Maybe an hour more.
And now it's 1am. I definitely need to sleep. This entry just may take up the entire first page of J2P. I wonder if I've ever come close to the 25,000 max characters.
Anyone remember when we only had 2500 characters per entry?
Good night all. Remember to send me your links.
Peace & Love,
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
(the video explains it all)
CREDITS & LINKAGE
music: I'm With You - Trish Monaco (that's me)
PRE-ORDER THE CD that features the music used in this video
My YouTube Channel
ItallionStallionette's YouTube Channel
Monday, March 17, 2008
This is the first in a series of videos I'll be posting called Live from the LivingRoom - acoustic versions of songs from the new album LivingRoom Superstar.
I haven't committed to an exact timeframe but I do know I will be posting acoustic versions of all twelve songs from the album. As I do, I will also add the song to my playlist on MySpace (if it's not already on my playlist).
For more info about this song and others, please visit my website. You can also read lyrics and more on the sidebar on this song's YouTube video link.
Tags: trish monaco, trishmonaco, freeepeace, freepeace, livingroom superstar, living room superstar, music, acoustic, video, youtube
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Earlier I posted a video with five statements - 3 truth. 2 fiction. Some played. Some didn't. I figured it's time to post the reveal (or review, since most people got most statements right)
You can watch it here or click the link to watch it on YouTube. It's your call.
As you can see (if you view the video) Becky won. Now I just sit back and see what punishment she has for me. I mean, what song she wants me to sing on video. :)
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
This video is in response to one of my new favorite YouTube personalities, SHAYCARL. He's funny, earthy, genuine and he's got three kids. I mean, we are so lucky he finds time to be so creative?
So his wife posted a request on his channel asking for funny, creative ways to wish Shay a happy birthday. The winner will receive the first Shaycarl t-shirt ever given to the public!
I want that t-shirt!
Here is my video response: THE SHAYCARL SONG
Monday, March 3, 2008
Sunday, March 2, 2008
I’m battling some new-ish demons lately. The subject of age has always been taboo in the music and entertainment industry. I’ve never been bothered by age or ageism. Of course, why would I have been? I was younger.
So how do I keep myself honest in my journal and avoid discussing the taboo subject? I’ve put it off long enough. I’m about to explode. Age meant nothing to me for the longest time. I was unable to understand friends and colleagues in their quarter- and mid-life crises. The older I got, the more I looked forward to the next decade.
I do remember feeling old and washed up at 19, having not become the actress I’d planned my whole life. Then when I moved to LA at 23, I thought I’d missed all opportunities. I suppose it was my unconscious way of keeping myself from taking certain career risks.
Oh how I wish I were 23 again. But not as my 23-year-old-self.
Sometime around 36 I acquired ten extra pounds on my body. I’ve been telling myself I’m ten pounds over weight. This has been the only constant for almost four years. No matter what I do, what I eat, how much I exercise or don’t, I’m still ten pounds over weight. I think I’ve finally accepted the fact that ten pounds over weight is my normal weight.
Great, one milestone accomplished.
Now, what’s with these wrinkles? Suddenly all I can see when I look in the mirror are miles and miles of wrinkles on my face - in places only a grandma should have them. Oh how I wish I was taught better skincare.
And where did this extra skin come from? I swear, when I smile my cheeks frown. This can’t be happening. I’m young, healthy, active and vibrant - with aged written all over my face. What am I, cheese? (Oh great, my own slogan. old Trish: the new cheese)
In May I’ll be forty. Oh god, I couldn’t even type the 4 and the 0 next to each other. Who am I? Am I the same person who was thrilled for my good friends who have celebrated half a century over the years?
I know I’m not old. I know it, in theory.
Feeling ugly isn’t new for me. Feeling old is. Put them together and forget it! I am one miserable duck (no longer a duckling even).
Thursday, February 28, 2008
I could go back to dog walking till I know what's around the corner but the last time I did that, I walked dogs for ten years. I know me. I have to feel the need in order to make things happen.
If I go back to a way of life that I felt done with (that I still feel done with) then I could still slip into a state of stagnation and let time pass without making moves in other directions.
So I'm interviewing for temporary positions. If a great long-term opportunity arises in the meantime, then I'll cross that bridge at that moment. Being a temp has its benefits (unfortunately, not the medical kind). It gives me and the employer a chance to see if we're a good match. In this last position, we clearly were not.
I am not as young and impressionable anymore. I don't stand for manipulation tactics (and can smell them a mile away). I also don't do well with micro-management. I was self-employed for ten years. I work hard. I care about productivity...all on my own. I don't need anyone breathing over my shoulder. I enjoy building up a staff and keeping things light, fun and happy. That's how to achieve results. But that's my opinion.
My former manager did not share the same opinion. Which could explain why I was the fourth person to pass through that position in the last six months. I mean come on, there's only one common denominator.
It's that kind of management that drove me to self-employment in the first place. Well, that was one of the reasons.
So yeah, I forwarded my updated resume to a former temp agency. The owner is always begging me to come back and work for her, especially when it's a busy time in the entertainment industry. It hadn't been busy this season (with the writer's strike). She's out of the office but her employees practically fell over themselves when they saw my updated experience.
I hope to have work soon. I'm going a little stir-crazy. I love sleeping in but I want a plan...and I want food on the table next week. Or at least a smoothie.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
I'm just realizing it's been a long time since I've been quiet, contemplative and introspective. There's just so much to do. I know things come in waves and this is just one of them. I know there are times when life seems to happen non-stop. And I'm guessing that's where I've been for almost a year.
Journaling is always available but I'm not always in that mode. Almost makes me grieve for the days of hand-writing in a hardbound paper journal. Journaling was like spending time with my best friend. I never left home without my journal.
Now it's my computer. I hardly write on paper anymore.
I just did a little reminiscing in here, remembering freeepeace, and how it all started. Our journals, the community, the endless reads. I wonder what happened to the many who were a huge part of my daily online experience.
I know, I left aol. I was the one who chose to jump ship - along with many others. We scattered throughout the cosmos. As much as I liked the new blog-home, its flexibility and customizable options, it never felt quite the same as journaling here. Visually, I see aol as a private community (like a college campus) where much of the activities are contained. There's a common area for gathering. Others can visit anytime (unless it's a closed meeting or the doors are locked for members only).
I dunno. I've been watching YouTube lately. I joined over a year ago but didn't really do much with it. Today is the 2nd Annual "As One" Gathering in San Francisco. It reminds me of the aol anniversary events I participated in (virtually) here. And the gathering we all talked about but never made happen.
Cory "Mr. Safety" Williams of SMPfilms describes the YouTube gatherings as a way for people to see they do belong to a community. He says friends who aren't involved in the online community don't understand the connection between members.
So true. That's how it was when I was so deeply involved with aol journals. My closest friends - one in particular - had the most difficult time understanding the depth, the ties, the connection. My experiences were minimized. The internet as a means of being social seemed too foreign. If they weren't involved, they couldn't possibly understand. So they didn't take it seriously.
When I started journaling online, social network sites like myspace and facebook didn't have nearly the buzz or traffic they see today (facebook didn't even exist when I started this journal). And viral video? Guru filmmaking? Vlogging? They were merely particles of thought...if that!
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Sunday, February 17, 2008
If you haven't been keeping tabs on my website (no worries), let me see if I can sum up the last three months.
01. Finished recording the new album. It's in the final stages. Should have CDs available by March (fingers crossed).
02. Enjoyed more and more and more snow through December. Had a fun-filled family Christmas in New Hampshire.
03. Hit the road to return to Los Angeles on Christmas night.
04. Arrived home in Los Angeles before New Years.
05. One week later, I started working (temping) at a certain prestigious Film School - giving tours, processing applications and gearing up to advise potential new students. Love the work. Hate the atmosphere. Very disorganized. Staff is under-appreciated. Morale is extremely low.
06. I may not last long.
07. Started Vlogging.
08. Applying to other day-jobs. Keeping options open, knowing we're preparing for film production in the fall.
09. Been nursing a bad headcold for over week.
10. That brings me to here. :)