Thursday, October 6, 2005

Sucks

It's hard to think peace when there's so much pain and suffering surrounding me.  Cancer, deaths, hospitalizations, surgeries, scary diagnoses, depression, anxiety and the worst: hate.  Fear kills.  And I'm letting it get to me.  I have moments when I remember the truth - you know, not to give in to the fear.  But lately it's been a struggle.

I lost a client who tells me not to take it personally.  Her two-day notice and recent decision to hire a fellow dog walker (at top rate) make it a little difficult for me to not take it personally.  Especially when I worked very hard for her.  I'm hurt and angry.  I'm trying to let it go.

My loss of her dog means loss of another dog (by default) because I picked them up at the same place.  Even though the other was at a massively, ridiculously reduced rate, it's the dog I'll miss most.  For that I ache.

I'm waking up anxious every morning, even before I open my eyes, my heart races and I lose control of my breath.  It's physiological.  I'm worried, stressed, about something.

Perhaps it's all the seemingly bad news around me.  I know it's all in how I look at things.  And it's up to me to create the life I want to live.  I get that.  But can't I just have one day where I say, "this sucks! this totally fuggin sucks!"

What if I don't want to be positive today?  What if I want to be pissed off at the world?  What if I want to feel victimized by the system?

ickhh... none of that sounds very appealing to me.

still sucks.

it all sucks.

It sucks that I get sucked into believing the lies.  The lies that we are not safe.  That we are meant to suffer.  That there's nothing we can do about the cards we're dealt.

Especially when I know that's not true.  It just isn't.  There's always a different perspective available.  It's up to me to choose it.

I will.  I know I will.

But for now, it just sucks.  I need to be with this first.  Then I can slap myself out of it and make something happen.

Like, a screenplay isn't going to write itself.
Music isn't going to record itself.
Promotional dogwalking flyers will definitely not create themselves.
This extra 10 pounds will not jump off my gut on its own.

I'll be back... when I pull myself up and out of this suckage.

18 comments:

dimundntheruf69 said...

sometimes...that's the way it is...life just sucks..and then we look around and remember why life is also beautiful....
it's all in the perception, I guess...
{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}
christie

kuhlhiggins said...

Sorry to hear about the dog that you will miss. I hope you will find a replacement job for the one that is gone soon.
Love,
Kat

bridgetteleigh75 said...

I say wallow in the suckage all you want.  Sometimes, it does a body good.  And things always seem so much clearer and sweeter after you've been wallowing and finally emerged.  <grin>  

We'll be patiently waiting for you, luv.

clarity4today said...

I know that everyone feels like this some days, Trish.  Sometimes things just pile up and we are over our limit in the "things suck" department.  I hope you are feeling better soon.
Donna

abell1999 said...

Its okay to feel that way sometimes. Its even good for you to feel that way occasionally, its a healthy emotion. Just don't let it eat you up.

Julie

jaminpami said...

How sad for you.

indigosunmoon said...

Oh Babe...I'm so sorry your having
a hard time.  
Love you,
Connie

viviansullinwank said...

{{{{{Freee}}}}},
I know you will pull yourself up.  The pendulum does swing both ways. I'm sorry you're experiencing the negative side of some things right now...but I know it will swing back to the positive side.

Vivian

freeepeace said...

DONNA!  I've missed you.  So very nice to see you here.  I was thinking about you and Colton just the other day - and here you are.  I love how that happens.  Thanks for checking in and leaving your link.  Good to have you back! xo

Julie, good reminder.

Jaminpami - I can't help it.  I roared with laughter at this comment.  I still think it's funny.  I'm pretty sure it was meant to be some kind of sarcastic jab at my self-pity, (s/n with no profile, no journal, and only one other snooty comment in j-land when googled)  but I don't care.  The comment is exactly what I needed to take myself out of the suckage for a minute.  Well, that and some wine and chocolate.

Connie, Awww, so kind.  Thanks sweetie.

{{{Vivian}}}  So true about the pendulum.  It's definitely in motion.  I don't feel stuck...much. ;)

freeepeace said...

Christie, exactly right about perception.  The whole glass half full/empty thing.

Kat, thanks. I'll miss that little critter.  Anything can happen in this business (and it usually does).

Oh wow, do you remember the New Mickey Mouse Club?  (from the 70s).  There was Surprise Day - they sang, "anything can happen, and it usually does."  Just came to mind as I was responding to this comment.  Hmm...the things I remember...

Moving on...Bridgett, makes complete sense.  Wallow till I don't wanna wallow any more.

monponsett said...

I'd sneak into her yard and Clairol her dog to a nice pink shade.

xzasporated1 said...

I don't know how you do it.  I would fall in love with all those pups, like I'm sure you do.  But to have to say goodbye...

I hate when I'm consumed by a general sense of anger.  Even when I can't pinpoint the source.  Even when I can.  

Hope the crappy times are just a prelude to the happy ones.

~~ jennifer

judithheartsong said...

yep... sometimes it just sucks. Sitting with that for a bit can be good for you. You are not a wallower and I respect all your strengths....... sometimes you don't have to be strong.
loving hugs your way my friend.
judi

rgossett4195 said...

this too shall pass, hon...my best, rose

s0ngbird1962 said...

Awww Trish...

Keep faith in the process & remember to breathe......

XO

ryanagi said...

I hope you rediscover your joie de vivre again soon.  

babyshark28 said...

sorry for the suckage....

It could be psychological, it could just be hormonol.
whatever it is, it's just your body....talking to you.
whispering.

head to your own wisdom.
embrace it.  then get moving.
:)
love and hugs.

aims814 said...

A very wise older woman once told me, "Your first 5 minutes of the day, determines the rest of your day."  By-golly, I do believe she was right. Don't deny your feelings. They are yours and you have to admit how you feel. Be true to yourself. Try this before you open your eyes in the morning: "What happened to me, sucks. It isn't fair. But today could be the day that things turn around for me. I have ...(list 3 things for which you are grateful) I am blessed and I will not let this keep me down. It's making me stronger, not weaker. A door has been closed and something better is about to happen. A higher being  is in charge and will take care of my needs. ( I say, God is in charge, you can say whatever spirit is real to you) All I have to do is be ready to accept the good things in store for me. Today is a new day and I will rejoice in it. I will not be robbed of my joy by giving someone else the power to make me feel depressed. Free yourself. I tell you all of this, because I've had to force myself to do this. It helps. Really, it does. Depression will beget depression. I have to fight it every day and I'm winning the battle! But you are right in not denying your feelings. It's the same as lying to yourself, when you deny that you have been hurt/wronged.

I could go on, but I'm so  behind on reading journals. :-) You know that it goes without saying, I love ya girl.
hugs!