It's hard to think peace when there's so much pain and suffering surrounding me. Cancer, deaths, hospitalizations, surgeries, scary diagnoses, depression, anxiety and the worst: hate. Fear kills. And I'm letting it get to me. I have moments when I remember the truth - you know, not to give in to the fear. But lately it's been a struggle.
I lost a client who tells me not to take it personally. Her two-day notice and recent decision to hire a fellow dog walker (at top rate) make it a little difficult for me to not take it personally. Especially when I worked very hard for her. I'm hurt and angry. I'm trying to let it go.
My loss of her dog means loss of another dog (by default) because I picked them up at the same place. Even though the other was at a massively, ridiculously reduced rate, it's the dog I'll miss most. For that I ache.
I'm waking up anxious every morning, even before I open my eyes, my heart races and I lose control of my breath. It's physiological. I'm worried, stressed, about something.
Perhaps it's all the seemingly bad news around me. I know it's all in how I look at things. And it's up to me to create the life I want to live. I get that. But can't I just have one day where I say, "this sucks! this totally fuggin sucks!"
What if I don't want to be positive today? What if I want to be pissed off at the world? What if I want to feel victimized by the system?
ickhh... none of that sounds very appealing to me.
it all sucks.
It sucks that I get sucked into believing the lies. The lies that we are not safe. That we are meant to suffer. That there's nothing we can do about the cards we're dealt.
Especially when I know that's not true. It just isn't. There's always a different perspective available. It's up to me to choose it.
I will. I know I will.
But for now, it just sucks. I need to be with this first. Then I can slap myself out of it and make something happen.
Like, a screenplay isn't going to write itself.
Music isn't going to record itself.
Promotional dogwalking flyers will definitely not create themselves.
This extra 10 pounds will not jump off my gut on its own.
I'll be back... when I pull myself up and out of this suckage.