Monday, October 24, 2005

Sick, Past and Present

The word of the day is:  SICK.  

not sicky.  not sick-ish.

SICK.

ess-eye-see-kay - sick!

I was so hoping this was just a really bad allergy attack.  But it hasn't passed.  I have a headache in my entire body.  It hurts to lay down.  It hurts to sit up.  It hurts to walk.  It hurts to look at light.  It hurts to hurt.

However, it does not hurt too much to graciously receive coffee in bed from my attentive roomie.  That's probably the last I'll see of her today.  Now that she thinks it's not just allergies - and that it might be a bad cold - she asked that I not cough until she left my room.  Fair enough.

I don't blame her.  I'm miserable.  I don't wish this on anyone.  No, not even him!

I did have a beautiful weekend though.  I did some soul searching and went deep into the pains of hell.  Sounds pretty dramatic.  Well, it was.  I continue to learn more about life, truth and illusion.

Cousin M left a comment in J2P recently.  It implies that I've been unavailable for relationship.  I understand that's her experience.  But it's based on who I was.  Not who I am.  I'm not the same person I was 25 or 30 years ago.  I can hardly believe I'm old enough to use those numbers and still have some left over!

The fun we had when we were kids will never be replaced - nor forgotten.  We were best friends.  I remember all of our inside jokes.  The variety shows we produced in her basement.  The Family Mag we edited.  The shadow people on the wall at bedtime.  The intense laughter that only kids know.  That kind where you turn bright red, with tears rolling down your cheeks, taking a huge inhale just before passing out from lack of oxygen.  We shared many, many moments like that.

So I'm not willing to forget the past.

In cases where the past conjures negative feelings, I'm willing to remember with new eyes.  I must be, or I wouldn't be here.

I'd love to know more of who Cousin M is today - beyond the obvious:  A beautiful mother.  A gifted teacher.  A funny comedienne.  We've all grown.  We've all changed.  This applies to all Counsin Ms out there.  Meet me in the present.  We can still laugh our asses off about the past.

As my good friend, Robbie, wrote:

We're all on the same journey. We're just taking different paths to get there. My path might be different than yours but it doesn't mean it is any better or worse than yours either.

Forgiveness for some may be a completely different process than my road to forgiveness.  Accept that, or don't.  There's always a choice.

Much love and peace.

15 comments:

andreakingme said...

Oh. Now THIS is a great, well-done entry. I hope Cousin M reads it ... and sees it for what it is.

thelovetrain said...


I'm sorry that you're feeling so ill, Trish. Hopefully, you'll soon be feeling better.

Forgiveness? You're getting great at it, sweetie, and it'll set you Freee'. [:)]

~Get well hugs, Brian @---->---

http://journals.aol.com/thelovetrain/tracks/

derasta said...

This is such a moving entry....and it hits me hard because I can so relate this to my own life....jeeze, you are an amazing woman!

xzasporated1 said...

So sorry that you're sick.  Not sick-ish.  

It's your journey, no one else's.  What's great is when two journeyers can take two paths but meet at the same intersection.  That's cool.

And my hope for you.

~~ jennifer

abell1999 said...

Feel better and live free. Maybe its time for a dose of doggie kisses, eh?

Julie

mikethedawg said...

oh yah, I'm hearing a lot of processing here. "Meet me in the present"...I like that.
Change is always good and accepting that change is oh so much better!
Sorry you're sick! Here's a cold wash cloth for your noggin...xx

artloner said...

Feel Better, Dahlin'...you can always IM me and complain...I'll listen  ;)


andi

chasingmoksha said...

This entry (apart from you being sick) reminds me of the Joni Mitchell song, Both Sides Now.


Push fluids, eat oranges......

Take care.

krobbie67 said...

I'm so touched!! My first link to my new home. But, of course, you would be sure to do that, cause that's the kind of friend you are. And, well, the kind of friend I am is the one who read ess-eye-see-kay and thought "Oh shit! I just saw her I sure hope I didn't catch it. Damn!." ;-p

Get better soon!

P.S. "No, not even him!" <--- who's him? :::scratching head::::

P.S.S. "Meet me in the present." <--- I soooooooooo love that line. I might have to steal it.

:-) ---Robbie

deabvt said...

I'm not the same person I was 25 or 30 years ago.  I can hardly believe I'm old enough to use those numbers and still have some left over!
Hehehehe,
V

txsguinan said...

Ah, Trishy, you know how I feel ~ you have a huge heart and an old soul.  Your ability to embrace the present without negating the pain of the past is unique in my experience.  It's what makes you, and your journey, so special.

Feel better...this too shall pass.  Have some nice honey tea; it always makes me feel better.  :)  

globetrotter2u said...

Trish,
I believe that forgiveness is truly one of the most difficult roads that we can ever take on our road to peace. I've struggled with it tremendously but finally found it and it set me free. I went back and read the Cousin M comment and your entry. Not sure what the deal is with you and your parents but I've been letting loose all my pain in my journal. It's helping. Though it's difficult to understand why a father would put his 17 year old daughter in a mental institution for the criminally insane for swallowing a bottle of....aspirin?
I hope you feel better. I had a bug like that last week. It was horrible and brought out a pretty gruesome journal entry unfortunately.
Wait a second... why am I apologizing? We deserve our bad days, too don't we?
Congrats on your Vivi award and best of luck! (Even though you're in my category:( DARN!!!!)
Maryanne

luckyaugustgirl said...

See? Im so busy smacking people around and promoting my blog that im too selfish to wish you to feel better.

*bribes with chicken soup, calorie free chocolate, and good warm peppermint tea*

(Do i have your vote yet? Tee hee ;))

Feel better soon hun.... really soon.

Sarah

boisvertmomma said...

You seem like such a hurting woman Trish.  I hope your "journey to peace" lands you in a place where you recognize the truth; that you are so loved by the God of the universe, who created you to be the creative, sensitive, wonderous woman you are.  I hope you really do find the peace and joy and comfort you are searching for.  I also hope you're feeling better;  feeling like you've been hit over the head with a baseball bat is never fun.  Praying for your recovery!
PS I am fascinated by the fact that our journeys never allow us to take on more than we can handle at one particular moment in time; that what you are learning at this very moment is what you were meant to learn only now, because now you "can handle it."  Hope that makes sense.  

yakima127 said...

What a great roomie!   Feel better!  JAE