Oh what am I gonna do? I'm starting to feel ... sad. I was going to say fear. But sadness. That's what it is. I know that's okay. It's just uncomfortable.
Sadness seems to imply there's something wrong. When really, everything's good. I mean, good-ish. You know what I mean. Maybe I just need to have a moment of sadness.
It's weird. I'm on the verge of tears but my thoughts are on all the goodness in my life. My friends. My work. My spirit. My creativity. My my my. Maybe that's it. Everything seems okay with me.
Then there's my mom, 3000 miles away, not in very good health. Lupus. And other complications. My dad too - poor health. I know I don't talk about my family much in here. Mostly because this is my space. I don't want to impose on their lives. When I mention them, they get exposed through me. Even though it's just my view, I want to be clean in my intentions. Plus, I know they're reading. If not today, then some day down the line. [hi mom. hi dad.]
Sometimes I want to go back there to be closer, so I can help take care of her. Other times I am grateful to be so far removed from the pain. Demons and shadows, you know?
I think I'm more helpful way over here. There's less of a chance of butting heads with each other. But at some point, I'm gonna have to get over it. Over what? I don't even know.
The hurt maybe? The idea that the god and goddess of my universe failed me as a child? Big deal! Really. I mean it. What's the big deal? I know the story. I lived it. I survived. I thrived.
Okay then, can you tell that to the core of me that's still surrounded by some murky muck? It's physical. Cellular. It lives in me, unconsciously.
Still, I'm sad. Sad for her. Sad for him. Sad for them.
I have compassion for my folks. I do. A deep sense of understanding and compassion. It's difficult to explain. It's sort of like, I am the child, the mother and the father all at once. I can feel all of our pain and grief. Our choices. Our mistakes. Our fears. And I really get it.
Today I understand the choices my parents made yesterday. And whoooo-boy, those were some big, bad-ass decisions. Not easy. Not pleasant.
I may not condone their choices. But I truly understand them. Just as I believe they understand my (big, bad-ass) choices.
No matter what we think. No matter how we think we'd feel or react. No one can say for sure how they would handle a situation. They can only account for how they did handle a situation.
There's freedom in that. Breaking the cycle is more than just stopping the pattern. For me, it's about healing it. Retraining it. Learning from it. Forgiving. Moving forward. And it's just so damn hard to walk through ... sometimes.
* * *
I'd been looking everywhere for the purple wristband to support the Lupus Foundation. The smaller size had been on back order for, like, ever. Last week my mom sent me one. I can't remember if I asked for it. But here it is. I never take it off. It helps me feel more connected to her.
I know my parents need good thoughts and prayers or voodoo or whatever positive spiritual thing you do. I think of them every day. I email once in a while. That's the best I can offer in this moment. I know I should call. And I will. But it's just taking me a moment to pick up the phone.