Thursday, October 20, 2005

Sadness, Compassion, Forgiveness

Oh what am I gonna do?  I'm starting to feel ... sad.  I was going to say fear.  But sadness.  That's what it is.  I know that's okay.  It's just uncomfortable.

Sadness seems to imply there's something wrong.  When really, everything's good.  I mean, good-ish.  You know what I mean.  Maybe I just need to have a moment of sadness.

It's weird.  I'm on the verge of tears but my thoughts are on all the goodness in my life.  My friends.  My work.  My spirit.  My creativity.  My my my.  Maybe that's it.  Everything seems okay with me.

But...

Then there's my mom, 3000 miles away, not in very good health.  Lupus.  And other complications.  My dad too - poor health.  I know I don't talk about my family much in here.  Mostly because this is my space.  I don't want to impose on their lives.  When I mention them, they get exposed through me.  Even though it's just my view, I want to be clean in my intentions.  Plus, I know they're reading. If not today, then some day down the line.  [hi mom.  hi dad.]

Sometimes I want to go back there to be closer, so I can help take care of her.  Other times I am grateful to be so far removed from the pain.  Demons and shadows, you know?

I think I'm more helpful way over here.  There's less of a chance of butting heads with each other.  But at some point, I'm gonna have to get over it.  Over what?  I don't even know.

The hurt maybe?  The idea that the god and goddess of my universe failed me as a child?  Big deal!  Really.  I mean it.  What's the big deal?  I know the story.  I lived it.  I survived.  I thrived.

Okay then, can you tell that to the core of me that's still surrounded by some murky muck?  It's physical.  Cellular.  It lives in me, unconsciously.

Still, I'm sad.  Sad for her.  Sad for him.  Sad for them.

I have compassion for my folks.  I do.  A deep sense of understanding and compassion.  It's difficult to explain.  It's sort of like, I am the child, the mother and the father all at once.  I can feel all of our pain and grief.  Our choices.  Our mistakes.  Our fears.  And I really get it.

Today I understand the choices my parents made yesterday.  And whoooo-boy, those were some big, bad-ass decisions.  Not easy.  Not pleasant.

I may not condone their choices.  But I truly understand them.  Just as I believe they understand my (big, bad-ass) choices.

No matter what we think.  No matter how we think we'd feel or react.  No one can say for sure how they would handle a situation.  They can only account for how they did handle a situation.

There's freedom in that.  Breaking the cycle is more than just stopping the pattern.  For me, it's about healing it.  Retraining it.  Learning from it.  Forgiving.  Moving forward.  And it's just so damn hard to walk through ... sometimes.

* * *

I'd been looking everywhere for the purple wristband to support the Lupus Foundation.  The smaller size had been on back order for, like, ever.  Last week my mom sent me one.  I can't remember if I asked for it.  But here it is.  I never take it off.  It helps me feel more connected to her.

I know my parents need good thoughts and prayers or voodoo or whatever positive spiritual thing you do.  I think of them every day.  I email once in a while.  That's the best I can offer in this moment.  I know I should call.  And I will.  But it's just taking me a moment to pick up the phone. 

13 comments:

clarity4today said...

One of my dearest friends has lupus.  I did not know this was the case with your mom.  I'm so sorry.  ((hugs))

Sometimes our emotions have a way of getting a mind of their own, and we're feeling sad when we don't really expect it.  I have truly been there.  Hope you're out of this valley soon.
Donna

xzasporated1 said...

Forgiveness is only forgiveness if it lifts the weight from our shoulders.  I think your shoulders are upright and strong.

Best wishes to both of your parents.

~~ jennifer

bridgetteleigh75 said...

You don't have to pick up the phone until you're ready, Trish.  I don't think they'd want you to anyway, if it made you uncomfortable.  And besides...as a parent (and I'm speaking on behalf of all parents)...no matter what the situation, there will always be a feeling of acceptance and love.  I can't imagine a single thing that would or could stop me from loving my children.  And I think it goes the other way too...

I don't know...maybe I'm full of shit.  And I'm not entirely sure I'm making sense.  Oh well...you know I love ya.  <grin>

XO,
bridgett

thinkingoutloud said...

Beautiful entry here.
Your love for your parents is obvious.

Give them a call.
They're waiting:)

Huggs2u-
Niki

meiru13 said...

Sending you love, trish......lots and lots and lots of love.....


Julia

jeffcomedy said...

They did the best they could.

That's all I'm going to say about that because, really, isn't that all we should expect from ourselves.

Though I don't know what happened exactly between you and your family, I must admit, I understand your feelings.

Mostly because, I feel, what you most fear happening, I am living right now:

Having to take care of those who once took care of you.

Not a pleasant idea.

http://journals.aol.com/jeffcomedy/Whatthehell

babyshark28 said...

aww, trish, so sorry your feeling sad. :(
I could kind of see it coming, read that you were pushing it
back.  Sometimes it just need to wash over you, let it and it will pass.
I don't like it at all.  that feeling.  sometimes I hate the feeling more
when it's just sitting there......waiting to strike you.  You can feel it too...that waiting.  sometimes I hate that more....

anyway.
hugs to you during this time.
sorry about your parents, I will be thinking of them.
and you.

dazeychic said...

Aww sweety (((hugs))) Im sorry to hears your having the blues. But sometimes thats good isnt it? I mean, maybe we need to feel that to make a little change or something?
I dunno, trying to make sense of stuff like that (feelings) gives me a headache!
:) But I know you go about it in the most beautiful way...your writing is just so...so...healing.

Im Thinking of you and your parents! And yea, you should call em' it will probably make their entire week! :)

~Shelli

chersypie1 said...

Sad is necessary. So let em roll.... big, healing, tears! Runny nose and all!
And rejoice in that with your whole body and the
beauty of your heart.  You are human, and sometimes is just
feels like this.
...And call them...but you knew I would say that, right, licsious?
maripo

swibirun said...

I empathize with you.  Sometimes I feel "sad" when I get introspective but it's really not sadness, it's like you said.....something else.

Chris
http://journals.aol.com/swibirun/Inanethoughtsandinsaneramblings
http://www.bigoven.com/~swibirun

geminiwilder said...

hugs and good, positive thoughts from me.   xo phin

abell1999 said...

A touching entry, hun. Its hard to move on past a not so pleasant upbringing, but you did and your compassion for your parents now is beautiful. I'm proud of you, and I will keep them in my thoughts.

Julie

cousinoftrish said...

Trish,  It is okay for you to have feelings of sadness, and it is okay to validate your feelings.  However, forgiveness is the best way to overcome the feelings of anger, hate, and even sadness.  Whatever choices your parents made in the past is what it is -- in the past.  They may spend more time than you even know regretting some choices.  Fortunately for you, they are still here!  Embracing them and your whole family (extended) and feeling the love that we truly have for you would be a good way to try (and it may not be easy) to forgive the past and live for the future.  Life is very short and we my dear (you being one year and one month older than me) are not getting any younger.  I miss my best friend from the past.  I miss "get off the stage"! and "go-ah - to-ah -- SLEEP".  We (your family) will always be here for you -- just let us in!  Love you! M