Thursday, June 23, 2005

just writing

I'm not sure why I'm here really.  I mean, I spend time doing fun things, organizing and decorating the new apartment.  But that could last forever.  What's the big deal?  Just so I can sit in it and go "ooh, that's nice."

I'm a little concerned about my creativity.  My drive - my passion - for creation.  There's something boiling beneath the surface.  I haven't quite tapped into it yet.  I feel stagnant.  Stale.  I don't feel bad.  Just ... not driven.  Everything is average.  Not exciting.  Not boring.  Just average.  Work is average.  Social life is average.  Writing is average.  Energy is average.

I want to create.  But when I imagine getting down to it, I don't know what I want to create.  Music?  Art?  Decorating?  Writing?  I sit.  I stare.  I sleep.  Okay, so today was a lazy day.  That's okay.  Those days are needed.  It felt good to lay around.  I had a small dogwalking group today.  It allowed me to rest more than push.

I always come back to this place.  Questioning my purpose.  I don't feel fulfilled in some small way so I think I've lost sight of all purpose.  That can't be entirely true.  Otherwise, I wouldn't be here...right?  I mean, what if my purpose is to question my purpose?  Then I'd be exactly where I need to be.  Which ultimately is the truth.  I'm right where I need to be.

I cry out for time to rest but when I get it I panic because I think I should be doing something productive.  A bit of a catch-22 there.  Rock and a hard place.  Grass is always greener.  Whatever.

Still not sure what I'm doing here.  ...just writing.

11 comments:

jennipooh3597 said...

Me too.... me too!  Dammit ;)  It'll come.  It always does.  L, Jenn

geminiwilder said...

i think "just writing" is fine.

and, it's creative.

andreakingme said...

You need a GOAL, little girl! A goal, thazzit!

babyshark28 said...

sometimes 'just writing' is exactly what you should be doing.
My creativing has been going rather strong for me lately, but there's always a reason for that.
I have gone to the library and checked out modern poetry and a book on writing.  I have enjoyed it, more than usual.

maybe you just are, contented right now.
there's nothing wrong with that. :D

sistercdr said...

Many times when I've felt something boiling beneath the surface, I have both a desire to do something great with it and the inability to do anything with it because "it's" not ready.  It's a frustrating feeling, and I sympathize with you.  During those times, just writing, keeping at it regardless of what dreck I put on the page is the only thing that sees me through.  It keeps the ability to do more limber until I get the spark to do more.  As for wanting and rejecting rest,  btdt as well.  That rest is another way of keeping yourself sharp.  Just ride this wave until another, more vibrant one comes along.

riverdaughter196 said...

When you feel something just beneath the surface that usually means that it is about to burst forth into something fabulous.  Get ready.  

txsguinan said...

I think Cynthia makes an excellent point.  It's bubbling, 'boiling' because 'it's' not ready yet.  Let it be ~ when you're ready, you will know, and your creativity will flow.  

Besides, you have to remember ~ your life has changed significantly in the past few months.  You are creating ~ you're creating a new reality for yourself, and you're helping to create a new one with Andi as well.  That makes organizing and decorating the apartment  a big deal indeed ~ so when you sit back and go "ooh, that's nice," you're not just talking about external comforts; you're talking about your new lives as well.

And that's what I call having a purpose.  Enjoy!  :)

deabvt said...

Boy, I think we all know the feeling!
V

mikethedawg said...

hear ya, and I think it's entirely okay to be "there"..."downtime" if you will. Gives you the strength for when you really need it ya know. This is the time to find "your center." Just preparation ya know. No guilt, no panic...smell the flowers.

judithheartsong said...

it's all about ebb and flow. I think we would blow a gasket if we were "on" 24/7. In the meantime, writing a bit is good therapy....... no? xoxoxoxoxoxo judi

krobbie67 said...

Um...do you think you could "just write" some more sometime soon. ;-)

:::gulp::: Who am I to talk! Oh well! :-) ---Robbie