Tuesday, June 28, 2005

I dunno

Oh I don't know.  I'm suffering this week.  I woke up Sunday in such a funk.  One of those "I don't know why I'm here" kind of moods.  It's been a struggle to get back to ... well, back to not feeling that way.

Figures.  I was just telling a friend the other night how I don't have those kinds of days anymore.  I know everyone can relate to those "woe is me" days.  Today I can crawl out of it.  But while I'm in it, I really can't find a purpose.  A reason just to get out of bed.  To breathe.  It's deep.  Not even scary.  Just dark.  Like...nothingness.

I spent some time crying long lost tears.  After that, I felt nothing.  Zombie-like.

I woke up in a different place yesterday.  Then another mood today.  Still I'm a little unsure of my purpose.  It's not like wondering if I'll be remembered or make a difference.  It's more like, what's the point?  Is it really to eat, sleep, go to work, laugh a little, cry a little and sleep some more?

I feel angry.  Not emotionally but physically.  Heat rises up my back and my head sweats.  No reason.  I mean, no conscious reason.  It happens on its own, out of nowhere.

I need a goal.  Purpose.  Something to work toward.  Something to look forward to.  I'm bored with my work.  I want some more variety.  New clients.  A change of scenery.  Or more business so I can hire others.  I dunno.

I dreamed I took a job in a creative office developing movie scripts.  My opinion was valued.  No one made changes without my consent.  I was hesitant to take the job because it was reminiscent of a 9-5.  I felt the panic even in my dreamstate.  But after accepting the position and realizing all the benefits of working with a team (even if it had to be in an office) I was relieved to know I had something new and exciting to face each day.  Well, at least for the next month or so.

I know me.  I find some new interest and dive in head first, full force. Then my passion dies out just as fast as it sprouted and I'm back to the beginning.  Yeah, I understand it's the cycle.  Seasons, life, blah blah blah.  But how do some people do it?  They work at the same job for years.  Or live in the same house.  Or keep the same relationships.

I know I need variety.  My work needs to continually change just to keep my interest.  My social life shifts.  I spend months in hiding.  Then I spend months running ragged.  Then I find new friends.  Then I hook up with old friends. 

I dunno.  This feel so raw.  It's all I can do to write.


sistercdr said...

I'm so sorry for the funk you're going through.  Hang in there.

coy1234787 said...

Today you call it a funk ... tomorrow you call it the cycle of life!
Sounds as if all is as it should be:-)
                             *** Coy ***

queeniemart said...

Been reading your journal for a long long time....well over a year. Would read you and SloMo every day. I hope shes ok. I understand this entry well. Thank you for writing it. I have been feeling the same way lately. I think we all get in them..some of us more than others. You have great purpose though because you have such a big heart and are a compassionate friend and person. I know that from reading you for so long. Take care, lisa

geminiwilder said...

wow, are you ever a Gemini.

hang in there.  

dazeychic said...

"My work needs to continually change just to keep my interest. "

Hey sweety! Not sure if you'll want to hear this or not..but oh well, Im saying it anyway! Hehe!

You and I are very much alike...in this sense I mean.

I too, need to change things on a constant basis...Jobs never hold my interest no matter how many times I tell myself "Its OK" I also question "whats the point"...the similaritys go on and on...but I wont bore you with them!

But its interesting reading it from your perspective...I see things in me, yet its clearer, less foggy when I see it in your words. The thing is, I think that people like us are too creative for our own good. Meaning, with all the possiblities out there...not one thing is going to be IT. We need to be branched out into a million different goodies to feel safe, calm and content.  

And your purpose, or point, well that comes later. (I think! I hope!) I assume that will happen when it's supposed too...as silly as that sounds! For you, Id guess its the beautiful music that comes hurling out of you! Come on...thats amazing! That is a purpose if I ever saw one...but thats just me :) Ek, this is turning out to be a novel!

Lots of love ~Shells @

babyshark28 said...

I'm sorry your feeling this way.
I understand it, I can't explain it, and I don't even
want to try.  This journey is yours alone.

But, just know, somewhere - someone is feeling the same
walking parallel, most likely never meeting.
but sharing all the same.

hmmmm, that sounds like a poem.
anyway, pick up your guitar even if you don't feel
it.   and just start strumming....

judithheartsong said...

I admire your honesty and honor your dreams. Your highest self knows all those pesky answers..... leap and trust. judi

screaminremo303 said...

We're born. We die. Everything in between is just doing what we want to do, hopefully. Anything that makes you miserable seems like such a waste of time.

Dance. Smile. Sing. Repeat as needed.

insanedazy said...

You sound like you're really getting to know your "real" self. I have been going through the same thing for awhile now...I want the answers to everything. I want to know the secret of life NOW...were we really created or evolved...are we just an experiment being examined by a much advanced life force? I mean if I can exist...then anything is possible...isn't it? Some people accept there life for what it is...and others, like us...want to know why!
And if you want to do someting that makes you feel needed....volunteer! Spend an hour or two a week helping someone less fortunate...it has a way of making us appreciate what we have in life, and it gives us a purpose!

aims814 said...

I know how this all feels ...

{{{YOU}}} and many hugs from Stephen.

We love you!

tt101653 said...

Where is your passion?  What is the dark cloud hanging about you?  What are you so afraid of?  Open the door to you fear, it is what you fear most that often has the answer of why you fear.  You tend to be creative, and your journey to peace starts with the next step.  Ask yourself the question, what you need to be doing when you are feeling sorry for yourself and speaking all that confussion into your creatitive person.  You were created for a purpose and not nesseciarlly for your happiness.

julksj said...

We are a special generation...that is, all of us who are currently living on planet Earth. It is so important right now to go within and bring forth the greatness that
we were given. It's as if we have been given an assignment:Heal and help others

With that being said...it's incredibly easy to feel almost hopeless, or like we are
spinning our wheels...or it's hard to find the strength sometimes. We can find strength by asking...by going within...by asking a question and then dropping into
the heart to find answers.

This is the only thing that works for me! The other day I had to sell a couple of Dave Mathews and Massive Attack CDs just to put a few bucks worth of gas in my car. Give me the strength!!! Then I went inside and remembered my greatness
and who the people are who need me and my services. I then got a raise at my
writing job. The answer came within 2 days, but before then I was feeling pretty
hopeless and depleted.

Keep the Faith.