Oh I don't know. I'm suffering this week. I woke up Sunday in such a funk. One of those "I don't know why I'm here" kind of moods. It's been a struggle to get back to ... well, back to not feeling that way.
Figures. I was just telling a friend the other night how I don't have those kinds of days anymore. I know everyone can relate to those "woe is me" days. Today I can crawl out of it. But while I'm in it, I really can't find a purpose. A reason just to get out of bed. To breathe. It's deep. Not even scary. Just dark. Like...nothingness.
I spent some time crying long lost tears. After that, I felt nothing. Zombie-like.
I woke up in a different place yesterday. Then another mood today. Still I'm a little unsure of my purpose. It's not like wondering if I'll be remembered or make a difference. It's more like, what's the point? Is it really to eat, sleep, go to work, laugh a little, cry a little and sleep some more?
I feel angry. Not emotionally but physically. Heat rises up my back and my head sweats. No reason. I mean, no conscious reason. It happens on its own, out of nowhere.
I need a goal. Purpose. Something to work toward. Something to look forward to. I'm bored with my work. I want some more variety. New clients. A change of scenery. Or more business so I can hire others. I dunno.
I dreamed I took a job in a creative office developing movie scripts. My opinion was valued. No one made changes without my consent. I was hesitant to take the job because it was reminiscent of a 9-5. I felt the panic even in my dreamstate. But after accepting the position and realizing all the benefits of working with a team (even if it had to be in an office) I was relieved to know I had something new and exciting to face each day. Well, at least for the next month or so.
I know me. I find some new interest and dive in head first, full force. Then my passion dies out just as fast as it sprouted and I'm back to the beginning. Yeah, I understand it's the cycle. Seasons, life, blah blah blah. But how do some people do it? They work at the same job for years. Or live in the same house. Or keep the same relationships.
I know I need variety. My work needs to continually change just to keep my interest. My social life shifts. I spend months in hiding. Then I spend months running ragged. Then I find new friends. Then I hook up with old friends.
I dunno. This feel so raw. It's all I can do to write.