Tuesday, June 28, 2005

I dunno

Oh I don't know.  I'm suffering this week.  I woke up Sunday in such a funk.  One of those "I don't know why I'm here" kind of moods.  It's been a struggle to get back to ... well, back to not feeling that way.

Figures.  I was just telling a friend the other night how I don't have those kinds of days anymore.  I know everyone can relate to those "woe is me" days.  Today I can crawl out of it.  But while I'm in it, I really can't find a purpose.  A reason just to get out of bed.  To breathe.  It's deep.  Not even scary.  Just dark.  Like...nothingness.

I spent some time crying long lost tears.  After that, I felt nothing.  Zombie-like.

I woke up in a different place yesterday.  Then another mood today.  Still I'm a little unsure of my purpose.  It's not like wondering if I'll be remembered or make a difference.  It's more like, what's the point?  Is it really to eat, sleep, go to work, laugh a little, cry a little and sleep some more?

I feel angry.  Not emotionally but physically.  Heat rises up my back and my head sweats.  No reason.  I mean, no conscious reason.  It happens on its own, out of nowhere.

I need a goal.  Purpose.  Something to work toward.  Something to look forward to.  I'm bored with my work.  I want some more variety.  New clients.  A change of scenery.  Or more business so I can hire others.  I dunno.

I dreamed I took a job in a creative office developing movie scripts.  My opinion was valued.  No one made changes without my consent.  I was hesitant to take the job because it was reminiscent of a 9-5.  I felt the panic even in my dreamstate.  But after accepting the position and realizing all the benefits of working with a team (even if it had to be in an office) I was relieved to know I had something new and exciting to face each day.  Well, at least for the next month or so.

I know me.  I find some new interest and dive in head first, full force. Then my passion dies out just as fast as it sprouted and I'm back to the beginning.  Yeah, I understand it's the cycle.  Seasons, life, blah blah blah.  But how do some people do it?  They work at the same job for years.  Or live in the same house.  Or keep the same relationships.

I know I need variety.  My work needs to continually change just to keep my interest.  My social life shifts.  I spend months in hiding.  Then I spend months running ragged.  Then I find new friends.  Then I hook up with old friends. 

I dunno.  This feel so raw.  It's all I can do to write.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

just writing

I'm not sure why I'm here really.  I mean, I spend time doing fun things, organizing and decorating the new apartment.  But that could last forever.  What's the big deal?  Just so I can sit in it and go "ooh, that's nice."

I'm a little concerned about my creativity.  My drive - my passion - for creation.  There's something boiling beneath the surface.  I haven't quite tapped into it yet.  I feel stagnant.  Stale.  I don't feel bad.  Just ... not driven.  Everything is average.  Not exciting.  Not boring.  Just average.  Work is average.  Social life is average.  Writing is average.  Energy is average.

I want to create.  But when I imagine getting down to it, I don't know what I want to create.  Music?  Art?  Decorating?  Writing?  I sit.  I stare.  I sleep.  Okay, so today was a lazy day.  That's okay.  Those days are needed.  It felt good to lay around.  I had a small dogwalking group today.  It allowed me to rest more than push.

I always come back to this place.  Questioning my purpose.  I don't feel fulfilled in some small way so I think I've lost sight of all purpose.  That can't be entirely true.  Otherwise, I wouldn't be here...right?  I mean, what if my purpose is to question my purpose?  Then I'd be exactly where I need to be.  Which ultimately is the truth.  I'm right where I need to be.

I cry out for time to rest but when I get it I panic because I think I should be doing something productive.  A bit of a catch-22 there.  Rock and a hard place.  Grass is always greener.  Whatever.

Still not sure what I'm doing here.  ...just writing.

'fair' and 'minor' earthquake

Now this I felt! 

I was awake.  My clock read 3:33.

Even though it was a 'fair' micro quake -- Even though it was three miles down the street -- And even though it was more than 10 miles deep into the earth, it felt like my room came to an abrupt stop and shook me from behind.  There's nothing like the rumbling sound of an earthquake.  Worse is my overactive mind after a minor quake in the middle of the night.

I'm pretty sure Andi slept through this one too.  Lucky.  I'm having trouble falling back to sleep.


above image taken from Southern California Earthquake Data Center's website.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005


Oooh yeah baby -- life is good.  Be back soon.  I've got assignments to accomplish.  That's the least I can do in this time of drunken fun.  Seriously, I'm so numb right now... Wine gives me such a happy buzzy.  Buzzy? I mean buzz.  Whatever.  I'm happy.  Buzzzzzzz...... 

We're watching Lemony Snicket's, A Series of Unfortunate Events.  But Andi's on the phone right now.  So I'm waiting to UNpause the movie.  It's way better than the time I saw it on the big screen.  I'm sure the wine helps.  ;)


Sunday, June 19, 2005

I need to write

It's true.  I need to write.  I've been busy walking dogs, arranging the living room, removing blinds, mounting hardware, shopping, watching DVDs in surround sound, drinking wine, changing guitar strings, playing music, downloading a computer virus, removing computer threats and thinking about writing.

My fingernail is hanging on by a few cells.  Strong and solid.  But dying.  I have to wrap it during the day so it doesn't bend so far backwards that it snaps off.  It doesn't look as scary as it did and it's not as painful (it's numb, really). 

My hands are still sore, swollen and cracking.  Feels like they're burning most of the time.  Remo, I wouldn't be surprised about the pH in the water.  Water burns.  But it's just my hands.  Nothing below the wrist bone.  Strange.  Still working on figuring it out.

Andi and I have been talking about getting a wall mount for her/our wine glasses.  After researching and spending way too much time thinking about it (fun though), I've come up with what I think is a FABULOUS idea!  We'll make use of the bar that's already in the apartment between the kitchen and living room.  I think we should mount a wine glass rack under the ledge hanging over the shelves.  And turn the shelves into wine racks and booze shelves.

I'm serious.  I "tested" the idea with a bottle and a glass.  I think it would work great.  Then again, it's almost midnight and I haven't stopped all day.

Andi wasn't sold on my hanging-glasses-from-the-ledge idea so I've copied about 20 different links to wine glass mounts and they seem to have the same idea as me.  Besides, I'm a week-old wine drinker.  Where would I come up with such a goofball idea if I hadn't already seen it somewhere -- even if it was subconsciously.

I'm about to watch a DVD on my new little bedroom-DVD player.  I got it at Best Buy for $40 with a $10 mail-in rebate.  Rockin!  I also bought more movies.  I've been on a movie kick lately.  I even ordered two soundtracks and one other movie from Second Spin tonight.  Great prices on used movies and music.

I spent the day arranging my room (finally).  I took down those hideous vertical blinds and "installed" the paper shades I ordered from Home Depot.  Even without curtains, it makes a world of difference with just the simple shades.

I still have a full box, a grocery bag and a few baskets to go through.  But mostly I'm unpacked.

I'm still bargain shopping though.  I would like to replace one shelving unit with drawers, to hide clutter.  I found something on Craigslist that I'll probably get tomorrow.  I would like to mount a couple of shelves above my desk and the same guy with the drawers has shelves for mounting.  A regular one-stop-shop for me.  I also want a hamper - preferably with a lid - unused.  And I still haven't bought that electric tea kettle.  It keeps getting bumped down on the list.  I should just do it already.

Alright, it's after midnight now.  Time to hit the Slums of Beverly Hills on my cute little DVD player.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005


Monday Photo Shoot : RED

Taking a break from all the stressful moving and hand-cracking entries. 

Today is about chilling - well, and dogwalking, but that's every day.  It's already mid-June and my mind is still stuck somewhere in early spring.  I can hardly keep up.  So I've decided to slow down.  Who cares what the calendar says?  Aside from work, I'm not on any one schedule.  I act like it most of the time.  Gotta get this done.  Gotta run out for that.  Gotta make something happen.  Whatever!

I'm finding that things still get accomplished even if I take a couple of hours to watch a movie or eat a delicious meal or talk with a friend - or all of it.  And everything takes the time it needs to take.

Anyway, that's all.  Feeling a bit internal this morning.

Monday, June 13, 2005

The New Adventures of Home Depot

OK so I've lived in LA for thirteen years.  I've moved twelve times since then.  Well, 15 if I count the transitional places and that one time I moved to an adjacent smaller apartment to save money.  That's a lot of moving.  For the average person, it accounts for at least one visit to Home Depot per year.  Obviously that's a lowball figure because it takes three or four visits per move.

What I've always loved about Home Depot is their 24-hour service.  I think that's the first thing an Angelino would mention about the greatness of Home Depot.  [am I right David?  Robbie?]  It's like a security blanket, knowing they are open all the time.  Not that I've ever gone at 2:00 in the morning for anything.  But it's just good to know I can.

I had a list of things we still need to get for the apartment.  And Andi's bedroom rug is due to arrive.  So I thought it would be smart to go when others are most likely sleeping.

Here's a clip from an actual IM between me and my roomie at 11 PM last night (as she says, "for posterity, you know?"):

Me:  home depot?  yeah? no?  i can't decide if i wanna go...

Roomie:  Are you SURE they're open?

Me:  yes, they are open.  24 hours.

Roomie:  Okay, I'm game if you are.

So at 11:15 PM we headed out with our lists, a chrome pole (don't ask) and Hunny in tow.

Pulling in, I was excited to see all the available parking spaces and the lights shimmering inside.  The doors were wide open and I could see the aisles were clear.

The young security boy sitting in the chair greeted us with a smile and some words.  I said hello and smiled back.  He repeated his words, "We're closed."  I thought he was joking.  You know, that old Steven Wright joke, open 24 hours, but not in a row.

For a moment I think I stood without moving, a little dazed.  Definitely confused.  I even looked around to be sure I was at Home Depot, even though I knew I was.

Meanwhile, Andi's laughing her good laugh.

The boy rattled off the store hours.  I thought maybe they only close on Sunday nights.  But no!  They close every night.  Can you believe that?  Every single night!  I can't remember his exact words, but I do remember him saying something about it being a couple of years since they've been a 24-hour store.  And apparently that wasn't good enough for me.  I asked about other Home Depot locations.  To his knowledge there are no longer any 24-hour stores.  [GASP]

Now both he and Andi were having a grand ole amusing time.  I was still in total disbelief.  I was tempted to call all my friends who still believe Home Depot is open all the time.  Actually, I'm gonna call David right now.  (well, after I post this entry)

How?  How did I totally miss the change in store hours in the last two years?  I guess all the times I chose not to go there in the dark hours of the morning saved me from actually noticing any changes.

Well hey, we learned two things about our town last night.  One: Home Depot closes every night - earlier on Sundays.  Two: Wine and beer sections are open every night - even on Sundays.

Friday, June 10, 2005

Mom's Birthday

Hi Mom. 

Not sure if you're still reading.  Just know that I'm thinking of you today.  Thank you for being born.  Without your choice for life, I wouldn't have been given the opportunity to be here today.  Let this be the beginning of the greatest years of your life.  Make it happen.  Celebrate you.

Happy Birthday.  With Love.

Thursday, June 9, 2005

Down Time Anyone?

I had some really vivid dreams last night.  Not that it's any different from any other night.  But one of the moments in last night's dream that stands out clearly is I was going to have two whole weeks off.  Meaning, no work.  No obligations.  No extra dogs.  No running around.  No reason to have to get up in the morning.

It was such a freeing feeling.  Mostly because it wasn't going to affect my income.

Sadly I woke up realizing I have to go to work today, and tomorrow, and all next week.  It's pretty clear to me that I need some major down time.  I feel out of sorts in my room.  Things are functional but they're just not warm yet.  I get distracted.  I allow it.  I like it.  But then I come back here and remember how unfinished things feel.

My bed has suddenly become uncomfortable.  I tossed and turned all night.  My lower back is sore - really sore.  I couldn't find a comfortable spot to sleep in.  The sun rises on my side of the apartment.  Until my shades arrive, I have to strategically hide from the three inches of blinding sunlight that blaze through the useless vertical blinds - a direct shot to my eyes every morning.  I was so fed up this morning that I put eyeshades on - reminiscent of a lush with a hangover.  They worked well.  I would've slept longer if my back hadn't been so sore.

I think it's time for a new bed.  Not yet.  Can't afford it.  But it could be my next major purchase.  Maybe this fall.  But first, baby needs a new pair of shoes.  Well, actually she needs to see the vet.  She's scratching her paws too.  Yes, I realize that statement implies I have paws.  Ah well.  It just sounded more weird to say she's scratching her hands.  Either way, she's scratching.  I'm scratching.  It's all one big itch!

My hands seem to be getting a little better.  It's still difficult to tell.  I have a couple of more days to go on the antibiotics.  I don't notice any new bumps.  The old ones seem to be drying up and fading away.  Some are cracking because they're located on the joints.  Fingers are still swollen and rough.  I can't wear jewelry because they're just so ugly I don't want to draw attention to them.  Sad because I like my hands.


OK, so I just cleaned the kitchen a bit and totally realized why my place isn't as organized as I'd like.  I've been in way too much pain and discomfort to really do things the way I want.  My hands must be healing.  It felt good to be in the kitchen.

Wednesday, June 8, 2005


She calls herself a simpleton who shies away from people.  But last Sunday, if it weren't for her, none of us would've discovered the great mexican restaurant at the corner of our street. 

We had worked hard, all day long.

Gigi came from behind the Orange Curtain. 

Robbie came from The Valley.

Clearing boxes, cleaning glassware, pots, pans and tupperware.  Unpacking towels, clothes, vases, framed artwork.  It was one of our most productive days.

All day I'd been eyeing the bottles of wine, waiting for a break in the work.  Finally around 2:30, after my third or fourth try to tempt the Yakkies into getting our wine-on, Gigi announced that it's five o'clock somewhere.  Time for a wine, cheese and bread break.  A break that turned into the end of our work day.

We spent a good long hour cackling and giggling our way through a bottle of red.  At least, I think it was red.  Maybe more like a plumb color.  It complimented my crushed fingernail.

When it became close to actually being 5:00 our time, I was pretty lit.  Andi got a burst of energy, Let's go to dinner!  "A tavern? Around the corner? I'm there," chirped Gigi, who just moments before was gearing up to hit the road for a little romantic barbeque with the hubs.  Robbie was ready to give Andi a tour of Hollywood.  I was ready for bed.

The next thing I knew, Andi flitted out of her bedroom, cute as can be, ready to paint the town!

Yeah, she's doing juuuuuust fine!

Tuesday, June 7, 2005


Ugh.  It's like, I wanna write but I'm so uncomfortable in my skin that I haven't been able to sit still.  This eczema (or whatever) is worsening.  I have to wear gloves when I work with the dogs.  I'm on antibiotics and anti-itch stuff.  This is round one of attacks.  Let's hope it works.  If not, we're ready for round two.

The antibiotics make me sleepy.  But I have to push through it, since I take them four times a day. Four more days to go.  [adding yogurt and probiotics to the shopping list.]

My crushed finger is less painful.  Still numb and the nail is a lovely shade of plumb.  I'm considering looking for the matching nail polish.

I'm sporting a farmer's tan.  I shouldn't be tan at all but it's nearly impossible to stay out of the sun when I work outside.  This is a challenge.  I bought like a hundred spf sunscreen in hopes of blocking those evil rays.  I need more goofy big-rimmed sunblocking hats.

It's taken me 20 minutes just to get to this point of the entry.  I'm that fidgety.  Pain and discomfort really take a toll on the psyche.


It's taken me another 5 minutes to get here.

I dunno.  I feel out of sorts as it is.  My room is still in disarray.  Actually, the whole apartment is.  But we were blessed to have Gigi and Robbie here over the weekend to help unload stuff and empty boxes.  It's unanimous - the bathroom is the funnest room in the apartment.

I found the shades I want in my room and the living room.  I know they're temporary.  But they're inexpensive and they can be used permanently.  So that's what I shall do.  Next purchase after that: curtains.  Geez, this whole domestic thing is expensive.  And lots of work.  I can't really afford this lifestyle.  You know, buying new things and stuff.

I'm saving lots of money on morning coffee and take-out.  That's a plus.

What else?  Oh god, none of this is cohesive.  I just changed a load of laundry from the washer to the dryer and poured my second half-cup of coffee.  I'm starting to fade from my morning dose of antibiotics.  Hopefully, being out with the dogs will liven me up a bit.

I do feel a little more like myself today though.  It's been such a ride.  I slept off and on from the moment I got home till about 8pm last night.  I kept trying to get up because there's so much to do, but I just couldn't.  I found a second wind after watching a DVD that bored Andi to sleep.  I did a tiny bit of organizing in my room at midnight.  I watched another DVD in bed and finally fell asleep just after 3am.  So why did I get up at 8:30?  Oh right, shower, laundry, coffee, writing.  I so need a nap right now.

Off to walk doggies.

Hey, what's going on with everyone?  I've been skimming J-Land but I'm sure I'm missing a lot.  Anything new?

Thursday, June 2, 2005


Here we go.  Andi's stuff has finally arrived.  Let the games begin...again.

I'm sure we had a living room floor here somewhere. 

Actually, it's a little comforting as I sit on the couch, surrounded by more boxes and furniture.  We have a lot of work ahead of us, but I can feel a sense of relief, knowing we're able to fully settle into our home.

Luckily we really like our apartment because after all I've been through, I have no intentions of moving any time soon.

Andi's movers were amazing.  Aside from one small mishap in the alley (their fault) and one or two slightly bigger mistakes (not their fault), the guys hustled their butts.

Skinny boy and his mini-me came packed with solid muscle.  I never would've guessed.  Robbie would've been impressed with their work ethic.  They even got Andi's computer hutch up the stairs, through the front, hallway and bedroom doors without so much as a bump on the wall.

It's a real good thing we didn't move in on the same day (or in the same week).  Trying to imagine all my boxes in the mix is more than I can handle.  I still have five or so of my own boxes to get through.  My bedroom could use some more attention.  But I'll get there.

Hunny was a great sport this evening.  When the movers arrived, I put her in my room with the fan on high so she wouldn't be bothered by our comings and goings.  She never made a peep.  I imagine it was a little confusing when she came out to a single-lane pathway from the bedroom to the kitchen -- with a small branch off to the front door.

I'm really impressed with how Hunny's handling all these changes.  She loves Andi.  It was love at first sight when they first met in January.

Yeah, this is a good thing...

Wednesday, June 1, 2005

Lame Overdue Update

:::::long drawn out sigh:::::

Honestly, I don't know where to begin.  I know I should update my journal but life is happening so fast, I can hardly keep up.  I don't even have time to stop and think.

As you probably know, Andi's here.  She came in late Friday night.  I got a flat tire on our way to get her from the airport.  Actually two flat tires.  Only one spare.  You do the math.  Made for a very eventful (stressful and painful) night.

I severely crushed my finger while trying to remove the spare from the back of the car.  That's just one reason I've been a little quiet around here.  Robbie could probably explain it better, since she was with me.  I was mostly traumatized, bleeding on the sidewalk, crying actual tears, afraid I chopped the tip of my finger right off.  The finger is still swollen and leaking.  The tip is completely numb and the nail is purple.  I have to keep it wrapped when I'm out and about.  Otherwise, it's hella pain if I knock it or bump it.  That's the left hand.

My right hand looks like that of a burn victim.  My eczema may not be eczema.  But I've yet to have it diagnosed.  I've been loading it with so many medications and lubricants - and they seem to be working.  But nothing is actually stopping it from spreading all over my hands a little at a time.  It is so bad that my hands are cracking and bleeding.  So I wrap my hands in gauze during the day.

We've been insanely busy trying to settle in our new home.  We're assembling shelves and drawers, getting the kitchen and bathroom organized and making the livingroom livable.  The days are flying by and there's still so much to do.  Andi's stuff isn't even here yet.  That's gonna be a whole 'nother process.

I don't see any downtime in my near future.  I have to keep going while I have the energy.  I seem to be at least one half step outside of my body.  It's the only way to get through.  And obviously there's some kind of message in, around or about my hands.  I'll get it ... when I come up for air.

Aside from all the mishaps, the lack of sleep and the self-torture, Andi and I are getting along well.  We seem to have very similar taste in home decor.  I'm rediscovering a long lost love for Merlot.  And she got her first taste of why I'm a Mraz Spaz.  And I admit, it's been wonderful waking up to the smell of freshly brewed coffee.  Sleeping in has never been so sweet.