Something's happening. A shift. Growth perhaps. Regression maybe. Whatever it is, it's knocking me out. Admittedly, I feel a bit stifled knowing some of my family reads my journal. I don't know what I was expecting when I started this. I always love that newness - the anonymity of a screen name. That didn't last long. What was I thinking? How anonymous did I think I could really be, keeping an online journal? The term Anonymous Journal proves to be an oxymoron (what is that? 'big dummy'?)
Now here I am writing about writing. It's exhausting.
I love my digital camera. I love learning about all the new things I can do with it - and with basic photo editing software. I'll continue to do that till the next thing comes along. But what about this journal? What about this community? Maybe it's just me but I'm feeling almost complete - with this chapter. I will never stop writing. I just know I need to take the time and space to catch up with the internal shifts I feel happening.
I'm knocking on a door - a door I've been at for a while. I can sense that behind that door is a whole new wave of creativity waiting to burst through.
I finally called MusicMan to reconnect about my CD project (more info can be found in last fall/winter's entries). I had to put it all on hold last Spring when I was sick with mono. Since then there are a few things I've learned about our work together.
We have eight (or nine) songs recorded - raw, just guitar and vocals. I've wanted copies of my work. He's refused to give them to me. I think I'm a little uncomfortable or unsure about our work together, and that's why I've put it off for so long. He wants to produce me but he wants me to pay him. At first we had a trade all set up. But it turned out (after 3-4 months of working together) that he wasn't going to be able to use the trade. Not my problem. But I tried to accommodate him with counter-trades. Still no-go. Then he wanted money. YET, he wants to be the sole producer. He won't give me copies. He won't record things "my way". And he sees this as a stepping stone for his production studio.
Meanwhile, I'm not happy with the entire process. I'd record things a little differently. I'd redo things. I'd play guitar and sing on separate tracks. I'd rehearse over and over with scratch tracks. That's not HIS way. Uhh...so then, why would I pay him anything? It's not MY work. They're my songs, my copyrighted material, my vocals, my guitar work, my creations. I don't want a producer. I want an engineer. I know the sound I want.
So, I'm going to meet with him one more time. If he's not willing to do it my way then I want my recordings back. If he wants to produce me, as an experiment for himself, then fine. But I'm not willing to pay for that. It's HIS project at that point.
Oooh, I guess this is a slightly heated subject for me. I wasn't fully aware of that. Y'gotta love the journaling process.
Now I understand what my resistance has been with him all along.
At the same time, I have these two great musician friends practically chomping at the bit to get me to play, rehearse, record, and perform with them. They love my music. They add their personal flair. They know what they're doing. They trust the process. Their schedules are more available now than ever. And I'm lagging on the scheduling.
Ahh, maybe that's the door I'm knocking on.
Keep me in check will ya? In theory, I'd like to rehearse with these guys at least once a week. We can record scratch tracks in the guitar player's home studio -- hello!! When it comes to actually walking out the door, guitar in hand, to drive to the valley, something stops me. What's that something? (again, freeepeace and her rhetorical questions)