Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Back to Basics

Something's happening. A shift. Growth perhaps. Regression maybe.  Whatever it is, it's knocking me out.  Admittedly, I feel a bit stifled knowing some of my family reads my journal.  I don't know what I was expecting when I started this.  I always love that newness - the anonymity of a screen name.  That didn't last long.  What was I thinking?  How anonymous did I think I could really be, keeping an online journal?  The term Anonymous Journal proves to be an oxymoron (what is that? 'big dummy'?) 

Now here I am writing about writing.  It's exhausting.

I love my digital camera.  I love learning about all the new things I can do with it - and with basic photo editing software.  I'll continue to do that till the next thing comes along.  But what about this journal?  What about this community?  Maybe it's just me but I'm feeling almost complete - with this chapter.  I will never stop writing.  I just know I need to take the time and space to catch up with the internal shifts I feel happening.

I'm knocking on a door - a door I've been at for a while.  I can sense that behind that door is a whole new wave of creativity waiting to burst through.

I finally called MusicMan to reconnect about my CD project (more info can be found in last fall/winter's entries).  I had to put it all on hold last Spring when I was sick with mono.  Since then there are a few things I've learned about our work together. 

We have eight (or nine) songs recorded - raw, just guitar and vocals.  I've wanted copies of my work.  He's refused to give them to me.  I think I'm a little uncomfortable or unsure about our work together, and that's why I've put it off for so long.  He wants to produce me but he wants me to pay him.  At first we had a trade all set up.  But it turned out (after 3-4 months of working together) that he wasn't going to be able to use the trade.  Not my problem.  But I tried to accommodate him with counter-trades.  Still no-go.  Then he wanted money.  YET, he wants to be the sole producer.  He won't give me copies.  He won't record things "my way".  And he sees this as a stepping stone for his production studio. 

Meanwhile, I'm not happy with the entire process.  I'd record things a little differently.  I'd redo things.  I'd play guitar and sing on separate tracks.  I'd rehearse over and over with scratch tracks.  That's not HIS way. then, why would I pay him anything?  It's not MY work.  They're my songs, my copyrighted material, my vocals, my guitar work, my creations.  I don't want a producer.  I want an engineer.  I know the sound I want.

So, I'm going to meet with him one more time.  If he's not willing to do it my way then I want my recordings back.  If he wants to produce me, as an experiment for himself, then fine.  But I'm not willing to pay for that.  It's HIS project at that point.

Oooh, I guess this is a slightly heated subject for me.  I wasn't fully aware of that.  Y'gotta love the journaling process.

Now I understand what my resistance has been with him all along.

At the same time, I have these two great musician friends practically chomping at the bit to get me to play, rehearse, record, and perform with them.  They love my music.  They add their personal flair.  They know what they're doing.  They trust the process.  Their schedules are more available now than ever.  And I'm lagging on the scheduling.

Ahh, maybe that's the door I'm knocking on.

Keep me in check will ya?  In theory, I'd like to rehearse with these guys at least once a week.  We can record scratch tracks in the guitar player's home studio -- hello!!  When it comes to actually walking out the door, guitar in hand, to drive to the valley, something stops me.  What's that something?  (again, freeepeace and her rhetorical questions)


alphawoman1 said...

funny, but I have been having the same thoughts regarding the journal.  A progression of sorts.....I have started another jnl on Blogger that is just mine!  it is a thrill having people read and comment.  one of the reasons I liked school so much (my 2nd try at college) was the immediate satisfaction of seeing a good grade for all the effort...anyway......I wonder if it is the year anniversity wake up call?

yakima127 said...

Well, if you think writing about writing is exhausting, then thinking about thinking (which seems to be my major funk, lately) is even more so!  I agree with you not paying for someone else's experiment, and I don't understand why you cannot get a copy of your own work...that is just weird!  Your resistance may be your fear of moving to the next level with your career...which will bring a total upheaval of your whole entire world...maybe?  JAE

luckyaugustgirl said...

Much luck and many blessings through your shift of changes. Im sure you will find the answers your looking for. And im glad to see you pursuing your love of music again..... :) Yay! Cant wait for the update on that. Wishing you luck with all the endeavors your about to embark on. Hugs~ You will be great at anything you try to do....... Thank you for coming back to the journal...... Ive missed your comments around there.... :)


slowmotionlife said...

I can understand that stiffled feeling, knowing that family members are watching. There are still so many topics I can't fully express myself on.  I have to be guarded in my writing at times and I hate it.  I've considered moving my journal, but at this point, I feel rooted and I hate to start all over again.  What can we do?

I'm happy to hear about your music again, though.  I've felt a seperation between you and your music - so sad.  Your music was always the thing that drew me to your journal because it was something I knew nothing about, something I could learn from you.  When you talk about your music, your words catch fire.  I really do hope that you're able to find a way to reconnect with that passion and bring it back to this place.  

readmereadyou said...

I've told only a handfull of people I know that I have a journal. I sometimes wonder if any are reading that I don't know about.
You sing and play guitar! I'm always in awe of people who can play instruments and sing. I can do neither. My voice would make dogs howl. : )


sharkie412 said...

I wouldn't blame you for being heated about that. Why should you pay him? He's not doing anything you want to do with your own work anyways. :P I hope something better than him comes along for you soon. :)

txsguinan said...

I know exactly what you mean about feeling restricted in your writing now that you're not really 'anonymous' any longer.  I loved that whole illusion of anonymity as well ~ I thought I was the only one!  It felt know?  No one knows you; no preconceived notions based on how you look, who you are, who you know....(sigh).  Once it's gone, it's gone :(
It sounds like you know just what to do about this so-called 'producer' ~ and it's not for you to pay him to create his own sound (and build his own business).
That door you're knocking on sounds liberating too.  Your art, your joy, is calling. (This entry has managed to make me both very happy and very melancholy ~ if you stop writing I will miss you much!)  But follow your bliss, baby.  The universe awaits...  :)

magogos said...

My goodness, change is scary to so many of us. I hope you can open the door and step through when you are ready. Blessings, Margo

gatorspictures said...

Freee---first of all, I miss your music (not just the music, but YOUR concept of all that it embodies). I miss the passion in your writing when you key in on that topic. It seems to move you more than anything. That said...I have two quotes (that I love) to share with you:

Marianne Williamson:
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Henry David Thoreau:
When I hear music, I fear no danger. I am invulnerable. I see no foe. I am related to the earliest times, and to the latest.

<<When it comes to actually walking out the door, guitar in hand, to drive to the valley, something stops me.  What's that something?>> Possibly the fear of moving from a safe place to that next plateau---which could totally change your life.

I know I don't know you personally, but your writing is very, very self-descriptive. Drive to the valley, play with those who have your passion---go out on the limb and grab the fruit. You have it. Your music rocks. Music rocks you. What do you have to lose---or gain? Good luck with your decisions.

indigosunmoon said...

How can I possibly top what Christie just wrote in her comment to you?  It was perfect!  She is so eloquent isnt she!
Go for it honey!  We will be here, cheering you on!!!
I can only hope that if you decide that you want to slow off on journaling for a while, that you dont stop it altogether.  I would so miss your sweet smile in your pictures, and that precious pooch Hunny.  
Love you bunches!

heathyrxmarie said...

Follow your heart Freee. I Know you can do this, you do it so well.  Everything you write, say, I KNOW comes straight from the heart!  :)  I will look forward to reading about your recording journey :)

viviansullinwank said...

{{{{{ Freee}}}}}

I love what you've been doing with your digital camera too! It's been making me want a new one! Music man seems to be choking your free spirit with your music. I hope you don't have a contract with him and can amicably part ways with him...not wanting to give you copies of your own music just isn't right!  :(


krobbie67 said...

I think it can be a bit stifling to have family read your journal. I've looked over my archives and cringed at some of the entries because of what I said pertaining to my mom. But you know, it's my truth, and hopefully she can respect that. I think even having "strangers" read my journal has changed my writing. But, I figure it's all part of the process.

That producer dude isn't sounding so wonderful. But, I'm sure you'll handle it well. He shouldn't be holding your work product captive. I'd love to tell you what to do but only because I have selfish motivations. I want you to finish so I can have some more of your music to listen to. That's not fair of me. You need to follow your own process. --- but hurry! Would 'ya! ;-) ---Robbie

ryanagi said...

I hope you can get the copies of your songs back from musicman. that's night right to hold them hostage like that.

cousinoftrish said...

Hey Trish!  If you don't want family to read it -- let me know.  I got the impression when you visited that you were happy that we keep up with your life through your journals.  Sorry if I have stifled you.  M

babyshark28 said...

sounds like this guy has money sign's blinking in his eyes.   Remembering back and thinking about all the generosity he bestowed on you, I am hoping it wasn't to suck you in long enough, so you couldn't get back out without having to make some kind of deal.  I know that sounds mean, or harsh.  But, that is the way I think. He must think he have great potential on this CD, and wants everything he can get out of it.....I think.  Dont' want to be TOO judgmental. :p  It's just erks me a little.

I know exactly what you mean about the anonymous journal thing.  
take it easy freee, I am hoping everything turns out good for ya. :)

sonensmilinmon said...


First, I'm curious what photo editing software you have.  I'm asking several people as I'm thinking of buying another program.  I want to know what people are happy with.  Enquiring mind here.

As for the musicman, things don't sound right. I hope you have a serious talk with him and I will keep you in my prayers while you make your dicisions on what to do next. All I know is that I simply LOVE your music and have been eager to get a new CD.  But, not at the cost of you being unhappy with the sound or the "deal".  


deabvt said...

Freee, I`m so sorry to hear this. Don`t give the bum a penny! I hope this doesn`t become a legal problem. Can`t see how this guy has a leg to stand on!
{{{Hugs }}}

mallory4284 said...

I censor myself in my journal sometimes and (as far as I know) the only family that reads my journal is my sister. Sometimes I find myself holding back though because of the fact that I know my sister and even my "real" friends read it. (and when I say real, I mean friends that I know from school and home) And in the back of my head all I can think about is, "what if my grandma finds this?? I don't want her to know about this..." so I end up not writing about something that I wouldn't want her reading about, and she doesn't even KNOW about my journal. It's silly, but it's true....

Anyway, I hope things work out with your music. It's a shame that you're unhappy with the way things are going with your music, cause it's your music, and it's what should make you happy. (darn the comment area for not being able to bold and italicize to stress words...cause that sentence is confusing with out it...)

Anyway, have a good one!

diannevan said...

"I wasn't fully aware of that.  Y'gotta love the journaling process."

See...THAT'S what makes journaling different than other new adventures.  It speaks to you about things you didn't fully realize.

I think you're probably going through the same thing a lot of others are going through - "overload."  You're trying to keep up with WRITING your journal, RESPONDING to comments left in your journal READING other journals and COMMENTING in other journals. When you can't keep up, you just want to stop everything.  You don't need to do that.  Write when you want to write, respond to the comments that require a response and read/comment in other journals when you have time.  

judithheartsong said...

ha... sometimes growth sucks, doesn't it?? You hang in there and keep asking and answering those questions of yours. If nothing else the path is always interesting. Thank you for your friendship. Hello Family!

trinainmobile said...

You said - "YET, he wants to be the sole producer.  He won't give me copies.  He won't record things "my way".  And he sees this as a stepping stone for his production studio."  As well as, "It's HIS project at that point."

I've been in this situation before...ended up having to get rid of the guy!  Sounds to me this guy has HIS own agenda with YOUR material!  He isn't interested in what YOU want.  I can't believe he has the audacity to not give you copies of your work....thats just stupid and controlling.  I thinik, of course this is my opinion which is derived from personal experience, that if you keep'll have to concede and do it his way because he'll keep showing off to you his "producer" badge regardless of it being his project or not.  Sounds to me like he's a control freak and wants to take all the credit for YOUR hard work.  I'd be redefining to him what I want...just like you engineer, not a producer.  You can produce this thing.  You know what you want.  Go with those other guys and see what happens!  Good luck to ya!  Keep us posted.

Be blessed.....Trina

geminiwilder said...

what's stopping you?  only your subconcious knows the truth!!!

thinking of you, freee!!!  i know i haven't been around much, but you
are in my thoughts.  go with the shift, the creativity wave, wherever it may lead you!!  

your new about me is very cute, me likes...

 xo phinney

sunflowerkat321 said...

I'm sure it's tricky finding just the right space to work in the music business.  As a creative have a vision.  You're working with creative people all around you...but the visions have to clash at times.  I like the idea of you linking up with some other musicians.  I can't help but think it will give you new ideas to draw on.  You are incredibly talented Trish...I love your cd.  Don't let someone bully you into going somewhere you don't want to go...but do open up avenues that will let you evolve.