Breaking through Walls of Pain - click to play accompanying music. [copyright: Trish Monaco 1997]
Plans are being made for an important trip back east. Most of you know I haven't seen my father in eleven years. I haven't seen my brother in about seven years [when my niece was born]. And the last time I saw my mother was when she was having open heart surgery, about six years ago.
There are many reasons we're so estranged. But mostly, I needed to take the time and space to find out who I am without the expectation of anyone - including myself.
As with any family, there was a lot of pain and anger and much denial to sort through. Mostly my own.
Five years of traditional therapy. Another five years of alternative therapy. A decade of Writing. Music. Creativity. Reading. Talking. Screaming. Yelling. Crying. Laughing. Ranting. Meditating. Exercising. Painting. Drawing. Yoga. Dogwalking. Learning. Growing. Opening. Loving. ... I'm not the same person I was eleven years ago. I imagine none of us are.
So, this is kinda big.
There's no way I could do this alone. So in October Cheryl and I will take a week to visit my family and hers. We will fly into Boston, visit our families, drive to Montreal, visit her family, then drive back to New England for a gathering with my family and friends.
This could explain the intense pain I'm in today. Every time I think about it, my cramps get worse and I drift off into space. But each moment helps me better prepare for the visit.
I was thinking, I get to know so many people online. I give everyone the same respect. I try to see people through clear eyes, with an open heart, without judgment. Why then would I not try to give the same to the two people who raised me - the same two people I know very little about?
My brother and sister-in-law know I'm coming. I guess it's time I sent an email to my mom. Unless she's reading this...in which case, I'll be sure to hear from her any minute now.
~ ~ ~ The heart The soul The part The whole The love The light No wrong No right The truth The hope The joy of life ~ ~ ~