There was a time when I would have to endure twenty blah days just to have one goo day.
For me, a blah day consisted of sleeping till noon, not exercising, eating junk food or not eating anything at all, isolating, making half-assed lists of things I wanted to get done, but having no motivation or desire to do any of it.
A goo day is exactly the way it sounds - yummy and gooey. [think: ooooh this is a goooo day!] On these days I would be up at dawn, walking, eating well, socializing and completing every task on my month's list, making plans for the future.
Rarely were there two goo days in a row. Hell, there were barely two goo days in a month. I began to believe this was a way of life.
But lately most of my days have been so goo! I'm talking, for months! Like I've been walking on air, with motivation, desire, passion and a flair for life. It's been a long time since I've had a blah day.
So feeling the slightest bit blah today is sending me to headspins of post traumatic stress. I'm so conditioned to believe the blah is the truth, and that I'll spiral right back down for another month before I'll have goo day again. It's become a chemical response. I'm trying to retrain my brain. And I know it will take the time it needs to take. I mean, this is a lifetime of undoing.
How much of this do I want to share? None of it. But it's also what's keeping me from writing, singing, playing, and updating my journal. I'm struggling to find something to toss in the mix and fill up space just so I don't have to admit that I'm just not feeling so goo tonight. I don't feel sick. I don't feel tired. I just feel blah.
I don't even know what I need. But I know what I don't need. I don't need to be protected. I don't need pity [god, please no]. I don't need advice. I don't need praise.
Wait, maybe I do know what I need. I need to be supported and loved. I need to be challenged to grow. I need accurate reflection. I need to remember who I am. And I need to provide all of this for myself.
Whatever. Blah. I just feel ... blah, dammit.