Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Sleepless in LA

I made a grave mistake tonight.  I dug into the untouched ice cream after 10pm.  That statement alone sounds bad enough.  But when I add that it was coffee [heath bar crunch] ice cream, that tells even more of the story.  I've been tossing and turning in bed all night.  My insides are burning.  My head is splitting.  My throat is aching.  And I have to meet a potential new client at 8am.  [Um, that's four hours from now]

My body is tired but my brain won't quit.  I wish I could say it's filled with happy thoughts - but it's just not so.

Having mono and taking care of myself is a lonely existence.  But having mono and not taking care of myself is a lonely, miserable existence.  God, I miss just being lonely.

I learned a valuable lesson tonight.  I haven't eaten junk food like this in about three months.  I can surely feel the effects in my body and my spirit.  It weighs me down, physically and mentally.  It's depressing.

I can't find one nice thing to say about myself - all because I chose not to take care of myself during those few moments.  The ice cream wasn't even as delectable as I remembered.  I kept eating it, thinking - hoping - it would get better.  Before I knew it, it was gone.  And I was over-stuffed.  Five hours later, I'm still over-stuffed, sick and tired, but too wired to sleep.

It's strange to know the bones in my spine are still sore from the hard backs of the theatre seats the other night.  I can practically count my ribs just by looking in the mirror.  Yet right now, I'm so bloated, I could pass for pregnant.

Aside from all that, I've really been taking great care of myself.  I'm eating very well [other than the ice cream].  I'm taking good vitamins and supplements consistently.  I'm getting light exercise and fresh air.  I'm completely frustrated with my lack of energy though.  Still, I make sure to keep my schedule as light as possible so I can rest more often than not.

But I miss playing my guitar.  I miss singing.  I miss recording.  I miss having energy to be social.  I miss journaling.  I miss reading journals.  I miss my full breath capacity.  I miss being well enough to make plans.  I miss hugs.


I guess this whole experience has the potential to give me greater appreciation of those things.  Something to look forward to, I suppose.

22 comments:

johnn60504 said...

Ouch, Freee!  I think what you've got to learn is to *not* be so hard on yourself!  (I've got the same problem with myself, however - that is one reason I recognize the symptoms.)  You say:  "I can't find one nice thing to say about myself..."  But just watch this comment thread - you're going to see lots of people who are going to say *lots* of nice things about you.  You should take them to heart!  I'll go first:  You're a terrific person with a heart of absolute gold, who takes care of other peoples' animals (even spiders!).  And I'm basing this comment all on what you've revealed in your journal, since I've never even had the chance to meet you.  The lucky people who have had that opportunity are very fortunate to have you in their lives.    

jennipooh3597 said...

{{{{{{Freee}}}}}}}  Hugs for you... if only virtual... but, I think they still count?  :)  Keep it all in perspective and keep taking care of yourself.  I felt that way when I broke down and ate pasta!  Ugh! (K, it was still wonderful... but, I hate that bloated feeling)  I think taking care of ourselves is like a constant life long lesson dealie... geesh.  Hope you got some sleep :)  L, Jenn

krobbie67 said...

Well I see the first commenter started what I thought which is to let you know what I think is a nice thing about you. Something that has just been bumming me out about life/people lately is the fact that so many are judgemental and as a result they are cruel to others. You aren't. You are one of the most open accepting people I have met in a long time. You exude love. And that, in my book, is a wonderful thing.

As good as you have been to yourself, I'm sorry to hear that a little treat left you feeling so bad. Good luck with your new client appointment! :-) ---Robbie

sunflowerkat321 said...

{{{{{Freee}}}}...Sweetheart!
I've been out of the j-loop for a while (family visits) and didn't know that you were sick.  I feel how difficult this is for you.  There is usually so much energy here, I know you want to do all you can to get better as soon as possible.  But it's so hard to stop living life as you know it, even though it's necessary for full recuperation.  Please know that I'm thinking about you...and sending positive thoughts all the way from PA.  I know you'll be back 100%...it just takes time.  And don't be lonely...you are SO loved here in j-land.

diannevan said...

Do I need to send Andrea over to crack the whip on you?  Go meet your client, then go back to bed.  And no coffee...not even the miniscule amount that was in that ice cream.  LOL!

geminiwilder said...

awww, freee...

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((freee))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

there.  any better?

phinney



andreakingme said...

Aw, Trishy. Don't be too hard on yourself. You've been GOOD for so long! Remember that. Remember that you're only human and that no one can be perfectly health conscious, upbeat, and strong 100% of the time. But it's important to remember during these low points that you WILL bounce back and be Trishy again. So be good to that little girl inside who feels like poop right now. She's all you've got and she's pretty damn good.

And if there IS a god, that package will arrive today!

ryanagi said...

Aww! You sound so...bleh. Hope you feel better soon! -B

lucylouladybug said...

If I were there, I'd hug you.  I understand the frustration of being tired and not having the energy you're used to having.  Unfortunately, mono is one of those illness where you really do have to take it easy, and it takes it time.  
Sending happy thoughts....

Love, Penny

indigosunmoon said...

Trish,
I know your feeling lousy.  Having mono makes even the most miniscule of tasts like climbing Mount Everest.  Rest rest rest!  You know the rules!  
I hope you are feeling better very soon my friend.  I see guitar playing, dog walking, and singing in your near future again, without feeling totally drained while doing it.
((((((((Trish))))))))
lovish!
Conzo

babyshark28 said...

mmm. heath bar crunch.
I couldn't sleep last night either, but not because of heath bar crunch. :(

Get those cat naps in whenever you can.  And eat something high calorie would ya??  I can feel you wasting away...

gatorspictures said...

hopefully you will be at your tiptop best again soon...til then {{{{{{freee}}}}}}
cyber hugs just aren't the same, though, are they??? c

dockart said...

{{{Freee}}}
Hang in there Trish, it will get better.

luckyaugustgirl said...

Awwwwwww, Cheer up..... things could always be worse. I know how frustrating it is being sick and tired of being sick and tired..... :) You'll feel up to par soon! :) Your doing all the right things........your just human, and everyone is off their guard once in awhile.... Get well soon!

irun01 said...

** I can't find one nice thing to say about myself **

Rock Star!!  Come on now.  I could fill this entire page with nice things to say about you.  Don't get down on yourself.  You've got to keep that positive attitude up to help your body heal.  Go look at your eyes in the mirror . . . would I see that smile in your eyes?  You are loved Rock Star.  Never forget that.

metski715 said...

You are a great person Freee! You have a ton of people on here who think the world of you, including little ole me. I hope things get better for you.
:)
chris

slowmotionlife said...

I don't think there's any reason to beat yourself up for *trying* to treat yourself.  OK.. so you found that it wasn't the treat you'd expected.  But you learn from the experience and move on. No more ice cream for you. Dairy stinks for you.  You know this.   I know that other good things happened today to brighten your spirit.  I just wanted to speak to the girl who was in this place, at this moment, beating herself up and feeling yucky.  

P.S. Ribs sticking out does NOT sound healthy, baby.  Time to up your calorie count, sounds like. You and I both know it's possible to eat TOO healthy.  Try some high calorie healthy foods like peanut or almond butter, honey, dried fruit, nuts.  Those will keep your calories up without compromising your diet.  :D  

s0ngbird1962 said...

(((Freee))) thinking of you & hoping you (and your spirit) are beginning to feel better.  xo......

musenla said...

Sweetie, you've done so well in taking care of yourself all this time, eating that leftover ice cream was just a momentary lapse, that's all.  If anything, the unsavory taste it left in your mouth will only remind you that you're not missing much.

Keep doing what you're doing, taking care of yourself in the best way possible.  This is what your body and your spirit needs right now.  Everything and everyone that you love will still be here, waiting, when you're ready to get back in the thick of things.

Hugs [no, I don't care if you have mono]!

clarity4today said...

I hate it when I write something ambiguous. lol  I meant that eating junk food might not even qualify as a mistake! (in that last comment).

clarity4today said...

Gosh, hon.  No one is perfect, and I seriously don't think one batch of the Heath ice cream is enough to feel that guilty.  Jeez.  Part of being good to yourself is forgiving mistakes, and I'm not so sure that very occasional junk food even qualifies!  

txsguinan said...

Reading this today, I am happy to know that THIS awful night is over!  But you know, sweetie, you really shouldn't beat yourself up for trying to give yourself a little treat once in a while!  You do not have to live the life of a saint to be good to yourself, just...balanced.  Otherwise you'll end up begrudging yourself every small pleasure, and nobody wants that...  :)