Friday, May 28, 2004
Fear or Love
Red Tailed Hawk - Photo Friday Challenge : Black and White
Fear takes on many forms and shows up in many ways. Violation is just one of them.
We have subterranean gated parking in my building. That means only residents have keys to the palace. Once inside the parking structure, it doesn't guarantee access to the main lobby and the apartments. We have keys for that too.
This morning, I went to my car with Hunny and found it unlocked. Before even opening the door, I knew someone had been there. The hackles went up on the back of my neck and both Hunny and I stood in silence, as if frozen in time.
I've been robbed. That was the first realization. The second was the missing keys. For years I've kept clients' keys in my car because I've left my house without them too many times before. But they were all gone. Including the parking garage door opener. Our parking is tandem - one behind the other. So my roommate and I have a copy of each other's car keys. I leave his in my car. He leaves mine in his car. When I noticed his car key missing too, I checked his car. Unlocked and shuffled through, just the same as mine. An entire bag of brand new clothes was taken from his trunk. But, like my car, most other valuable items were still there.
I thought about all the things they [the mysterious they] could've taken. Mainly, if they had both our car keys and the remote for the garage door, why didn't they steal our cars? Even my trunk had been searched - but nothing taken. Rollerblades, basketball, baseball glove, shoes, and my 35mm camera, all my CDs were still there. Including my portable CD player. Loose change was still hanging around. Later I realized my backpack is missing. I thought it was at home all day. Guess not.
I sway in and out of fear-based thinking - to the extreme! Was this deliberate? Was it personal?
But the more likely reality is, it was random. And perhaps it was the one night I forgot to lock my car door. I imagine the keys were taken in hopes that they granted entrance to the palace. I'm sure they were quite disappointed to find that none of my keys worked in the main doors to the building.
The biggest stress was having to call my clients and tell them their keys had been stolen and I had no way of getting their dogs out for the day. Two of my clients were more concerned about my well-being. But two clients haven't called me back yet. I feel a little incompetent and irresponsible. How could I let this happen?
It's not about what was taken. The feeling I had in my own car today was uneasy. I was a little stunned and unsure of what to do. But I went on with my day as best I could. I'm more creeped-out to think that some stranger was in my personal space. And now that it's the dark of night, my mind is filling with all kinds of horror stories.
I called my mechanic to see if it's at all possible to change the locks on my car doors. It is. But it was less expensive for me to buy The Club. Or perhaps reactivate the alarm system.
I've come to believe I'm as safe as I feel. That's always the truth for me. Even in this time of terror, threats and war, I've been able to stay connected and feel protected. Today was just a small reminder of how vulnerable we can be. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. It's just an observation.
I'm looking for the deeper meaning in this. The lesson. The opportunity for growth. So far, I've gained hope and strength from this experience. I feel blessed and watched over. I hope that whoever is responsible for this got what they needed.
Perhaps it was an act of desperation. A starving child. A lost teen. A homeless single mom. A victim looking for some light at the end of the tunnel.
This brings me back to my question about the black widow. If I got bit would I instinctively want to kill? Or would I be able to have compassion and see that her bite was her instinctive defense mechanism?
There are only two emotions : Love and Fear. Anything that is not love is fear. The choice for both is always available in every situation. It's a moment-by-moment choice. In this moment I choose love. I'd better save this entry before fear rears its ugly head again. And then, I hope to choose love again... and again... and again.