Friday, May 28, 2004

Fear or Love


Red Tailed Hawk  -  Photo Friday Challenge : Black and White


Fear takes on many forms and shows up in many ways.  Violation is just one of them.

We have subterranean gated parking in my building.  That means only residents have keys to the palace.  Once inside the parking structure, it doesn't guarantee access to the main lobby and the apartments.  We have keys for that too.

This morning, I went to my car with Hunny and found it unlocked.  Before even opening the door, I knew someone had been there.  The hackles went up on the back of my neck and both Hunny and I stood in silence, as if frozen in time.

I've been robbed.  That was the first realization.  The second was the missing keys.  For years I've kept clients' keys in my car because I've left my house without them too many times before.  But they were all gone.  Including the parking garage door opener.  Our parking is tandem - one behind the other.  So my roommate and I have a copy of each other's car keys.  I leave his in my car.  He leaves mine in his car.  When I noticed his car key missing too, I checked his car.  Unlocked and shuffled through, just the same as mine.  An entire bag of brand new clothes was taken from his trunk.  But, like my car, most other valuable items were still there.

I thought about all the things they [the mysterious they] could've taken. Mainly, if they had both our car keys and the remote for the garage door, why didn't they steal our cars?  Even my trunk had been searched - but nothing taken.  Rollerblades, basketball, baseball glove, shoes, and my 35mm camera, all my CDs were still there.  Including my portable CD player.  Loose change was still hanging around.  Later I realized my backpack is missing.  I thought it was at home all day.  Guess not.

I sway in and out of fear-based thinking - to the extreme!  Was this deliberate?  Was it personal?

But the more likely reality is, it was random.  And perhaps it was the one night I forgot to lock my car door.  I imagine the keys were taken in hopes that they granted entrance to the palace.  I'm sure they were quite disappointed to find that none of my keys worked in the main doors to the building.

The biggest stress was having to call my clients and tell them their keys had been stolen and I had no way of getting their dogs out for the day.  Two of my clients were more concerned about my well-being.  But two clients haven't called me back yet.  I feel a little incompetent and irresponsible.  How could I let this happen?

It's not about what was taken.  The feeling I had in my own car today was uneasy.  I was a little stunned and unsure of what to do.  But I went on with my day as best I could.  I'm more creeped-out to think that some stranger was in my personal space.  And now that it's the dark of night, my mind is filling with all kinds of horror stories.

I called my mechanic to see if it's at all possible to change the locks on my car doors.  It is.  But it was less expensive for me to buy The Club.  Or perhaps reactivate the alarm system.

I've come to believe I'm as safe as I feel.  That's always the truth for me.  Even in this time of terror, threats and war, I've been able to stay connected and feel protected.  Today was just a small reminder of how vulnerable we can be.  I don't think there's anything wrong with that.  It's just an observation.

I'm looking for the deeper meaning in this.  The lesson.  The opportunity for growth.  So far, I've gained hope and strength from this experience.  I feel blessed and watched over.  I hope that whoever is responsible for this got what they needed.

Perhaps it was an act of desperation.
  A starving child.  A lost teen.  A homeless single mom.  A victim looking for some light at the end of the tunnel.

This brings me back to my question about the black widow.  If I got bit would I instinctively want to kill?  Or would I be able to have compassion and see that her bite was her instinctive defense mechanism?

There are only two emotions : Love and Fear.  Anything that is not love is fear.  The choice for both is always available in every situation.  It's a moment-by-moment choice.  In this moment I choose love.  I'd better save this entry before fear rears its ugly head again.  And then, I hope to choose love again... and again... and again.

31 comments:

punky5678 said...

I think your choice to choose love will be your angel of protection. Be cautious but always choose love for that is Divine Power. Be Safe my prayers will be for your safety

krobbie67 said...

Good grief!!! You amaze me sometimes. I know you're not perfect but yet you still end it with love. I'd be a raving freaking lunatic. Shoot, I had an episode of fear swarm over me today and all kinds of crazy went through my head. But, this isn't about me, it's about you. Even though you want to be loving, please be careful. I wonder if it wasn't someone in your building or someone who knows you somewhat and knows what those keys are for. That is what scares me - for you. I am going to think good thoughts now and send positive vibes that all will work out as it should be. But...can I hold onto a wee little bit of worry. Oh....please. ;-)
:-) ----Robbie

babyshark28 said...

I love your black and white shot. :)  it just simply is, black and white.  can't beat that.

I feel so bad for you on the whole robbery thing. :(  our truck got broken into in CA when we lived there.  husbands wallet, a bike. odds and ends.  it is a creapy feeling that someone you don't know, the THEY.  Can just invade your personal place, just because they can.  but, you are right. you are as safe as you feel. It sounds like it was random and that they felt like they didn't have much time, and just grabbed what they could in like, 5 minutes.

but, even still, be safe.  look around. change some locks if you can on some things.  Atleast for a little bit.
take care. XO!
~sharky

deabvt said...

Freee, I`m so sorry you have to suffer through this violation. You`re probably right that it was someone who would like access to the building, since they didn`t take your valuables, other than your friend`s clothing [ untraceable ]. And how you must have felt, thinking you had somehow involved your clients! I hope the last two call you back.
V

chattiekimmie said...

First, I'm so sorry your personal space was violated, leaving you feeling vulnerable.  I'm glad you weren't harmed physically.  Keys and clothes can be replaced.

But like some of the previous comments.  I'm totally amazed at your character and ability to find the logical and loving p.o.v.  That is a very rare and wonderful gift.  When I grow up I want to be more like you. ;)

Breathe in...breathe out.  Now have a fantastic weekend.  Give hunny a little pat for me, will ya?

gatorspictures said...

Wow, first of all I love your b/w shot...it is just awesome.
Second, I am so sorry for your trauma. Strange pickings for a thief...I'm sure it was totally random...I hope you get your peace of mind back soon...which brings me to Third---I just love your writing style. It is so deep and thoughtful!

dockart said...

{{{{{Freee}}}}}}, I wonder if the creep who entered your space knows love? Here's hoping!
Stay safe!
Donna:)

dakotarose2852 said...

OMG, how scarey for you.  And how very strange they left your valuable things.  You've taken the right outlook, though.  The hate and fear will eat at you, but with love and acceptance you'll be able to move on.  I think I'd want to change the locks, though.  The Club will only prevent someone from stealing your car, but if whoever still has your keys, won't they be able to get back inside again?  This world is so full of crazy stuff.
Susan

slowmotionlife said...

Darlin, I know how invasive that is when someone comes into your personal space without your permission.  Try to remember that it was probably just kids - adults would have known that the stereo and the car itself was worth more than a bag of clothes, etc.  The lesson?  Lock your door!!  LoL  Poor thing.  What a mess. I bet calling your clients was nerve wracking.  Sorry, honey!  And try to not be afraid.  They've taken all they wanted to take.  They've moved onto something else.  Just keep an eye out.  And don't keep valuables in your car for a while.  ::hugs::

lucylouladybug said...

Freee, I'm so sorry that has happened to you.  And I totally understand the feelings you are having.  My house was broken into a couple of years ago while I was working nights.  I had been "cased out" for a while before it happened, having strange people come over during the day, looking around.  I never open the door for unexpected or unknown people.  I came home one morning, the front glass door wide open and the glass shattered.  My INTIRE house was ransacked, only electronics stolen.  But I did not, and still do not have any compassion for the people who did it.  Never found.  The police think it was a teenage drug ring as other houses and cars broken into that night.  Did I eventually get over it?  Yes.  But it changes you.  
Be safe, be aware.  And take care of yourself too.  Breathe.
Love, Penny

sistercdr said...

A break-in can really make a person feel vulnerable.  It's really a gift that you've been able to look through that and find something underneath that's deeper and more enduring.

geminiwilder said...

what a rotten thing to happen.
but, i love your attitude. you are a brave and loving soul.
your photo is beautiful too.  
hugs ~ phinney

coffeesheavenly said...

I'm so sorry . Not many people could come up out of something ( negative like this ) and still sound optimistic . It is nice to know there are people like you out there :) You have a wonderful energy !!! Take Care and God Bless*

diannevan said...

Ugh.  I worry for you.  I remember your post about when someone was insistently ringing your bell late at night.  I wish you lived in a small town like me... but then you wouldn't be you.

Lock your doors.  Keep your precautions up.  And I'll cross my fingers about the clients.  I'm glad some were concerned.  BTW, you DID file a police report, right?  Any expenses you incur because of this theft are able to be written off on your taxes. Also, as a client who had given you keys to my house, I'd feel better knowing you had filed a police report, ya know?  But since you don't remember not locking your car door, I wouldn't make that info available.  If you usually do, that's just what I'd say "I usually lock my door, so I assume I did last night as well."  You're not admitting you didn't, but there's always the potential room for a mistake.  

popitart said...

Wow...I'm sorry about the break-in, but this entry wasn't really about that, so this comment won't be, either.  Your outlook on life astounds me.  You somehow manage to find positivity wherever it exists, and where it doesn't exist, you create it.  I feel a certain sense of contentedness from your words; I can only imagine how many times that feeling is magnified for those that know you personally.  Your choice of love in light of recent events is admirable.

And your spirit, Freee, glows with love.  Thanks for lighting up the world one choice at a time.

*Emily

mallory4284 said...

Wow, that's rough. Ever since I got a CD player for my car I've had this intense fear of someone getting into my car and stealing it. (and my CDs since now I have every CD I own in my car...) I even lock my car when it's parked in front of my house, and we've never even had any problems with break-in's in our neighborhood. I'm just paranoid I guess....

I'm glad at least they didn't steal anything from you. Well, besides the keys....that sure stinks....

-- Mallory

aims814 said...

Uh,Oh! I didn't read this entry yet. I'm sorry, I didn't know.
Were you two the only ones robbed? That is scary and I'm glad you're choosing to deal with it the way you are. My husband's place was robbed a long time ago, and he said he felt their "ghost" for the longest. I figure that's how you feel. You take care! Oh..did you notify the police?
Love you!

gatorspictures said...

Just checking in on you this Sunday a.m. to see if that Love emotion has prevailed. Have a Great one!!! ---Christie

aynetal3 said...

Free I'm glad you were't hurt ... could have opened the door to finding someone dangerous sleeping in the back side.  Just a thought though ... doesn't the "MO" sound like more like a homeless person ... clothes, backpack?  Not a professional thief by a long shot.  Seems like they were looking for more if they figured the car door to your friends car ... They could still get in the building by another means ... have you thought of getting the apartment door lock changed, or were those keys not on the same ring?  Praying for your continued good sense and judgment.  Our love Ayn and all

karensull12 said...

Sorry to hear about your car being broken into.  I had that happen to me, and my purse was stolen, and for the longest time, I lived in fear that because they had all my information, that they would somehow come back to get me--which they never did, thank goodness.  I think you are correct in thinking that whoever is responsible for this was desperate in some way, and looking it from that angle, gives YOU back some of the power.  Your attitude in the face of this is inspiring!

Love the picture.  Wish I could soar like that bird in your photo...

sepintx said...

Sorry you got robbed. Sounds a bit on the bizzare side. Keep your guard up. Could also be just a very drugged out thief who missed lots of items.

Now your question:
This brings me back to my question about the black widow.  If I got bit would I instinctively want to kill?  Or would I be able to have compassion and see that her bite was her instinctive defense mechanism?

It's not as black and white or love and fear as you percieve. Black and white is all the shades of white going to black. Plenty of gray in between. If the spider were to bite you, even if you tried not to react, you would react. There is a reflex there. Even if you did'nt want to harm the spider, the act of removing it could cause harm. Even compassion itself can cause injury with a delicate spider.

Nice Hawk!

ondinemonet said...

Wow, you have such a healthy outlook. I have been robbed 4 times, always by someone I knew which I think may make it much more difficult to find the compassion...when you exactly why they did what they did. I am proud of you. Always, Carly :)

indigosunmoon said...

Trish,
I'm so very sorry honey.  I know this is just terrible for you.  My home was broken in to one time, and I swear I had this terrible violated feeling for the longest time.
love ya,
Connie

hempenhomespun said...

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation, but I admire your truly inspiring attitude about it.  I hope all will be well.

ckays1967 said...

I wonder....am only the only one who sees God in your words?

musenla said...

I've had my car broken into before, on Christmas Day no less.  My first reaction was dismay, then anger, then violation.  Like you, more than the things that were lost, I was bothered by someone's impunity and encroachment on my personal space.

It is an unfortunate reality that crimes are common especially in a big town like L.A.  But I'm glad you are safe and that nothing else untoward happened.  In the end, your safety is what matters more than any material possessions, and this incident is a reminder than you can never be too careful.

merelyp said...

On the occasion of our wedding, I wrote to my Hubby ( of 34 years now),
"Let us always be lovers.  And let us not stop with each other."

I was once wise.  And I've never known fear. . .perhaps naively, but I will not let it overwhelm me.  Trust is the issue.  

~~mumsy
http://journals.aol.com/merelyP/ArgumentAgainstGrowingUp

clarity4today said...

(((Freee)))) I'm sorry this situation upset you so.  Nothing worse than having that feeling of safety threatened when you realize how easily someone invaded your private space.

outsiderartfan said...

I am just sitting here with my jaw dropped after saying, wow.
I wish I could see all the dimensions that you do in real time.
deb

txsguinan said...

Freeegirl...you are amazing.  I don't know how you always manage to find the beauty in the ugly.  I'm so sorry you were robbed; I was once & I still remember the sense of personal violation.  But as always you have already found your way through it.  I'm glad I read your new entries before I saw this ~ at least I know that everything is coming up roses.  It's got to be karma...

Lovely hawk!  :)

andreakingme said...

Oh, Trishy! Gosh, you weren't kidding when you said last night that a lot can happen in two blog weeks. (You didn't say a peep about this last night! Do I take that to mean that you got this situation all figured out?)

It's a rotten feeling to know someone's been in your space, uninvited, and that they've taken something that belongs to you. I'm so sorry. It's interesting that whoever broke in didn't take any items worth selling ... there's a clue there. (Where's Monk when you need him?)

I'm glad to read that your clients were understanding. These things happen. Oogie's LOCKED car was broken into and driven away (about 9 years ago). She bought The Club after that and used it for about a year or so afterwards.

I need an update on this situation! I'll e-mail you.