Saturday, April 3, 2004

Saturday

I am not well today.  I've been keeping myself busy so I wouldn't slow down enough to feel.  I'm not busy enough today I guess, because I'm taking a nose-dive into despair.  Distractions only prolong the agony.

There's a mega-celebration tonight for my dear friend Roshimomma. I've spent the last three weeks trying to put into words just how much she means to me. Some things are just too deep for words, you know?  She penetrates my walls with her compassion - her insightful wisdom - her vibrant spirit - and her own life experiences.  I honor all that she is.  I look to her as a parental figure, I cradle her like a child and I love & laugh with her like a sister. 

We don't see each other every day - sometimes we go weeks.  But when we do, there's a knowing - an understanding.  She knows exactly what's going on in my life because she's my only non-online-friend who has read my journal regularly - from day one.  She hears me.  She supports me.  She gets me.

Today is all about her.  Half a century on this planet, in this skin, is a milestone.  There's a lot to celebrate and reflect upon.  I've been looking forward to celebrating this moment for her since last year.

Yet, this morning I woke up in a panic attack.  I don't know how I'm going to get myself to her gathering.  So much emotion.  So much celebration.  So much love.  It's just so much.  My friends insist they will "take care of me" no matter what mood I'm in. That's what we all say.  That's what we do for each other.  But that's not how I want to spend this evening.

[continues below]

21 comments:

krobbie67 said...

Your friend is 50? It's so hard to believe. She looks darn good! I hope I look half as good when I reach her age. Shoot, I'd like to look that good now. As far as all the rest goes....I'm sending an email...but please let your friends take care of you!!! :-) ---Robbie

harborkin said...

sorry about how bad you felt. hope you feel better!

queenz43 said...

Hey Freee. They say when you don't quite know what to say it is better to say nothing. So know that I was here, and I heard you. And although you can't feel it physically, I am sending you my love and a hug from my heart. Hang in there sweetie. It'll get better. Much love to you tonight, ~RC~

karensull12 said...

Well if I could send you a hug through the internet I would. I think that what's most important when you feel like this is to know that you are not alone, because you are not. My thoughts are with you.

miarenee24 said...

Happy 50th? That CAN'T be right. She looks way tooo darn good!

If you only have one friend like her, you have something special. You have many online, and probably offline too who love you :) I am one. xo

andreakingme said...

I'm so sorry you still don't feel like YOU, Trish. I wish there was something I could do or say ... a button I could push. Lottery winnings I could share! ::sigh::

Like others have said, please know that I care for you and am here for you, too. I hear you!

Happy birthday to gorgeous Rhshimomma!

alphawoman1 said...

Trish, I care about you and if there were some magic words to help I wish I knew them.
Mary

babyshark28 said...

what a lovely tribute freee. And dang...she looks great for 50!!
And she sounds like a GREAT friend. I have a friend who says that about me "You get me" it's a nice feeling, it's beyond nice really.
It's a STRONG connection. So, I understand what your saying here.
I just wish you were not feeling a panic attack coming on :( Does it come every weekend?? There seems to be a pattern...hmmm.
anyway...rambling. just want to say "Love you" xo

txsguinan said...

How wonderful to have a woman like Roshimomma in your life ~ sister, mentor, wise spirit, friend. I hope you made it to her celebration, but even if you didn't, rest assured she already knows and appreciates how you feel. I envy you such a close and caring circle of friends...You must be doing something right... :)

coy1234787 said...

Panic attacks sound very profound and this sounds like perfect timing to deepen your yoga and meditation practice (good medicine). Taking time out to reconnect with the universe, reaffirming you hopes and dreams, releasing emotional baggage and embracing the feeling of gratitude for all that you have.
breathe freepeace breathe.
*** Coy ***

slowmotionlife said...

First - HUGE Happy Birthday Wishes go out to Roshimomma!!! Woot!! You rock, woman!! So beautiful. :D

Secondly, you've had a lot going this week. It's enevitable that you're going to finally have a breakdown. Just remember what we talked about.. you always think in the moment that it won't pass, but it does. It will. Give it time. ::hugs::

s0ngbird1962 said...

Hey Freee.... Hoping that you went to your friends celebration. When feeling down, nothing like the love of good friends to remind you about how good life can be. (((Freee))) Feel better soon... xo

gingergirl05 said...

Wow, your friend does NOT look 50 in the slightest bit!  Happy Birthday to her!

Let yourself slow down a little; let yourself feel.  If you hold it all back it will only build.  It's not gonna just disappear, so you might as well relax, talk with what you feel and find the best way for you to deal with it--not the best way to avoid it.

reading on....

goldenchildnc said...

Uh oh! I'm not sure I like where this is going. Reading on...

mkgninja said...

Wow, I can't believe I've waited so long to come read this entry.  I hope you ended up going to your dear friends celebration.  I also hope your mood has picked up a little.  I have also read the suicide talk here in journals and have to admit, it bothers me, but I don't really know what is going on with those people.  You seem to have such a spirit, that it's no wonder you question things, but you also seem to have an insight I don't see often. ~Melissa

jensie248 said...

Trishilicious...wow!  What an entry!  It's taken me a few days to recover enough to read this ... I am so grateful for our friendship, for your love & reflection, and the party just would not have been the same without you. You know too... however you are...however you feel ... is totally okay with me.  You are welcome in my life with all of you!    And thank you so much for gracing our birthday bonfire on Sunday with your music & your sweet self.    With much love, Roshimomma

miarenee24 said...

Checking in...

musenla said...

I'm sure you are cherished and appreciated as much as you do her.  Your friendship sounds special and one of a kind.  

A friend will understand, without words, what it is you feel, even though it's not the usual cheeriness.  Life isn't sunshine all the time; we have to cherish even those cloudy moments of self doubt because it is what makes clarity even sweeter when it comes.

babyshark28 said...

hello freee. xxoo

deabler3 said...

Wow!!!    50!!!    HArd to believe!!
Happy Birthday!
Vince

somenuttychic said...

She's FIFTY! D*mn. She is a freak of nature. She doesn't look a day over 35!