Saturday, April 3, 2004

Saturday [continued]

There's been talk of suicide in pockets of AOL-J. [oooh, the word itself seems so taboo].  While I'm not suicidal, I can't deny that I completely understand the desire to stop living.  I get to a place where I don't want to kill myself, but I don't want to live either.  This feeling always passes. But while I'm in it, it's almost impossible for me to remember that - and it feels permanent.  You know, what about that one time it doesn't pass?  But I know nothing is permanent - not even death.

Sometimes I really don't know what I'm living for.  I know I have friends. I have Hunny. I write and sing and laugh and love.  But so what?  Seriously, what are we living for?  I know the obligatory answers, To serve God. To know love. To learn about human existence.

Okay then, next question - How?  By rising and falling?  Through pain and suffering?  And the next question - Why?  Is it worth it?  When I finally know love - what then? What's next?

I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I know I am blessed to have breath. I know that nothing is next.  I know all we have is this moment. And the choice for love is always available.

Writing is my reflective tool - without it, I might not be here today. And for that, even in despair, I am grateful.

23 comments:

irun01 said...

I think the only thing that I can say to you is that I understand what you are feeling. Your not alone . . .physically, mentally, or emotionally. Go be with people. Be with your friends. Know that you are loved, and that I've got your back Rock Star.

bridgetteleigh75 said...

Trish ~
You're not alone. You've got so many people here in J-land who care about and love you. And even though we can't be with you physically, we are there emotionally. We're with you every step of the way.

Love you!

miarenee24 said...

Well, this explains why I picked up the phone twice to call you today, but didn't because I didn't want you to think I was weird for asking if you were okay, and that I had you on my mind so much... Next time, I'll call. No matter what you think :) (and you have my number, call ANY time) take care, honey. I hope you went to the gathering and are having a great time. I understand how you feel. love you xo

grodygeek said...

Yeah, the suicide word. I noticed your comments around. I spent a bit IMing one of the people who might be thinking about it. I know I thought about it more when I left my family. I invested a lot and then it was gone. I didn't mainly because I know they still depend upon me. I don't know that I was any help, but I do care. Depression can be very tough. Gordy

sepintx said...

I liked the first part of the entry better ;-) I don't know what to tell ya, but you do enjoy life. I see life in your Journal entries even the ones were you are all tangled up in your own emotions. Life is a Journey and I do so enjoy reading of your travels.

aynetal3 said...

Freee, sorry for getting behind ... we've read up. I don't much about what's going round. I use writing as a reflective tool as well, but because we know these depths its been important for our safety that we're connected who's safe and able to help, no matter what. Maybe its time you looked into getting this kind of pro-suppot? Insure your self. Because I know ... YOU are "worth it!" We mean this with all our heart. Please let us know if we can help. All our love, Ayn and all

andi214 said...

I'm so blessed to be able to be here at this time. YOU truly are an incrediable human being, with all that you feel and all that you are I'm so blessed to know you, THANKS FOR BEING YOU! So please try extremely hard to be good to yourself even when it's difficult, because you are so worth it.

donah42 said...

I'm too much of a wussy to ever actually kill myself, but there have been times in my life when I just wanted to escape---I can understand the lure of it....

andreakingme said...

1 of 2

I've always thought one of the best things you can have in life is a PURPOSE. Something to work towards, something that inspires and moves you--and a secret knowledge that someday all of your struggles to GET THERE is going to pay off. I'm not saying a goal can replace love or friendship, but a the drive and love of a goal can sustain you when everything else seems to be going to hell. I know this because I've felt this more than once in my life.

andreakingme said...

2 of 2

Remember how good you are, Trishy, and that you inspire others. That's just one reason why I think you're here.

babyshark28 said...

*big hug to Freee*
I am not going to give any answers...who says I have any anyway? I am just *listening* to you. And wishing I could really give you a hug and lend you a real ear. take care. XO

txsguinan said...

oh...I feel you so strongly right here I could just cry. I've known despair and melancholy so intense that I too felt the seductive appeal of the 'idea' of death...but never the reality. Perhaps many people do. But you do know that it passes, though it seems it may not. I have no answers; I don't really believe there are any. Someone much smarter than I once wrote, "Embrace the questions; be wary of the answers".... :)

dymphna103 said...

Trish so many questions. Just live the life that was given to you as honestly and fullfilling as you can john

slowmotionlife said...

I write and sing and laugh and love. But so what?

Girl, you need to wake up. So what?? Hmph...

Honestly, I don't think any of us were put on the earth for ourselves. We were put here for other people. Your writing, your songs, your beautiful voice and laughter, your love - it means something to people. It means something to ME. I LOVE YOU!

ondinemonet said...

((((TRISH))))) Email to follow, love, Carly :)

jeanyu said...

Thought about this entry a lot,
'You can't live for yourself only'___from Mrs. Dalloway by V Woolf.
Life is difficult, and everything, all form is nothing.___from Buddhism.
Remember, sometime in our life most of us have been there where you are now. In the end you are the only one who can help you...
I love your writing so much!

gingergirl05 said...

Hmm... I will comment with the "intelligent" side of myself because I don't want to fan the fire...

Here's what I think about life:  You'll never know why you're here or what the hell you're doing or what you're supposed to be doing.  Nothing is sure on Earth.  And you can't change that; hell, half the time you can't really accept that.  So, what then, do you *live* for?  YOU.  Because YOU are the best thing that exists on this planet.  Because no matter what anyone else says, YOU create everything worth while, YOU put life on this planet.  You *live* to write, to sing, to bring intelligence to yourself.  You live in your body (home) because the soul that is really you needs a place to stay.  You live for the passion.

And you will always wonder why you're here.  You will never know the answer.  There might not be a Heaven that awaits our arrival.  There might not be a God.  So, you have YOU and everything that you love.  And that's it, because that might be all there is.  And if this is all there is, maybe it's all worth it.

If your body is your soul's home, sometimes you have to push your soul into a different room.  Don't let it sit in the pit of your stomach when you can feel it eating away at you.  Move it into your brain and let it ingest your thoughts, your intelligence.  Sometimes souls feel too much too often.  They need a little insight from the world in which you reside--this world, this earth.

I hope that that made some sense.  I hope that I don't sound ridiculous.  I know that I'm not one to talk, being that I seem to be in a place of no hope and unhappiness.  But I know that I have been here before, and I've been [there] before.  I can't say that it's ever easy, but if you do eventually emerge with a little smirk of sagacity, it seems so much brighter outside.
You've said it to me and I'll say it to you..

gingergirl05 said...

...if you need to talk about anything at all, let me know.  I'll listen and I'll respond the best that I can.

(sorry if my comment was far too long and boring!)  ~  Kate xo

jennipooh3597 said...

Completely understood...and...comprehended. I struggled most of my life with...um... why? Until I stopped caring about "why". Sometimes...it appears irrelevant. Mitch said something the other night about not knowing what he'd do if I died... if I never before knew the *why's*... I did at that moment. Maybe, there doesn't really have to be a reason. Just maybe. Be well, Freee... Love, Jenn

musenla said...

The biggest question everyone of us should seriously ask:  Why am I here?  This is a tough and scary question for which most of us probably don't have an immediate answer.  

I've asked this of myself time and again and came up with an answer that's best summarized by Stephen Covey:  to live, to learn, to love, to leave a legacy.

When you finally know love?  Is love really known?  And like you say, love is what's real, the rest is an illusion...

annalisa135 said...

hi freee! i can totally understand your questioning the meaning of life.  I wrote an entry in my j titled "Whats the Point?"  pretty much asks the same question.  so, i don't have an answer for you.  i guess its one that has been floating around the minds of people for as long as time itself.  I guess we are here to make a difference in whatever small or large way before our time is up.  Have you ever read the book "5 People You Meet in Heaven" by Mitch Albom?  If not, I HIGHLY recommend it.  An excellent book.  anyway, take care!  you have a lot of friends here in j land who care about you.

somenuttychic said...

The meaning of life. I've pondered it and given up. Sorry, but that's as much as I can offer on this one.

jenbirdlover said...

There will be days like this for all of us. Please dont give up on those who love and care about you. When you are hurting realize that there is going to be an up to your low. Look for the small wonders around you. Look -really look for things to enjoy. They can be found. Look for little daily presents to your days. Take a piece of paper and start looking for the good things in your life. I do know how you feel as i too have been through a very rough childhood. Do one thing positive for yourself and see how that one thing can make you feel so much better. Make a list of the things you never get to do that you want to do- then when you are feeling down, do one of them. One of the people we neglect the most is ourselves.