Monday, April 12, 2004

Goodbye My Hero

For the past couple of weeks, I've checked in on the black widow spider at the studio.  She's been in the same spot for a while.  But these last few times I've seen her, she hasn't looked well.  Seeing her gave me a sad, sickly feeling of worry.  I found myself wondering if she was even the same spider I had fallen in love with. Not because I didn't love her - but she just didn't seem so strong and powerful as she once was.  Remember when E.T. started getting sick, needing to be home and Elliot could feel his pain?  That's how I felt.  That's how I feel.  There's a big part of me in her.  And vice versa. 

I work at the studio only two half-days a week and I always see her.  Cheryl is co-owner of the studio and never sees her.  Cheryl always sounds surprised [and a little disappointed] when I report a sighting and give her updates.  One time I came by while Cheryl was working and tried to point her out.  But when Cheryl walked over, the spider scurried.  I guess it's just not meant to be that others see her.  You know, like Big Bird's friend Snuffy.  For the longest time, no one could see him.

On my way home from the mountaintop this afternoon, I decided to pick up photos I left for developing about a month ago.  I remembered I had taken a far shot of the black widow and today, for some reason, I just had to see the picture.

I arrived at the studio and looked at the pictures.  The above photo is not the clearest image - but it's the only picture I have of her.  I wish you could've seen her the night I first met her.  She was big, bright and bold - with her red hourglass out and proud.  Beautiful.

After seeing this picture, I went to her corner to check on her.  And before I even got over there, I saw her - but I hoped it wasn't her.  There. On the floor. Curled up. Dead.

I dropped to my knees and begged to God, "Please don't let it be her."  I turned her over, looking for that distinguishable marking on her underbelly.  She seemed so frail, so small, so powerless. Her hourglass was hardly noticeable.  I wept.  And wept.

I scooped her up and put her someplace safe.  She deserves a ceremony.  I'm still secretly praying this is a decoy and my totem is still alive and well somewhere watching over me.  I'm not fully convinced she's gone.

But there are many lessons in this.  The black widow spider has been a powerful presence in my creative world.  There have been some shifts in my life, my creativity, my writing in the last few months.  Perhaps now that she's home, I will start this next phase of my journey with a bigger heart, a clearer mind and a stronger spirit.

Goodbye my hero.  You may have left your shell, but your spirit lives on.

32 comments:

irun01 said...

Loss is always hard.  However, as you said in your entry, she may be gone, but her spirit lives on with you as long as you let her.  Love ya Rock Star

somenuttychic said...

(((((Freeepeace)))))

geminiwilder said...

awwww...sorry, freee

babyshark28 said...

I don't know much about the black widow..but, i know a lot of spiders after laying eggs...end up fading away.  maybe you should be on the lookout for baby black widows :)   sorry you feel so sad about the loss of your friend :( xo

slowmotionlife said...

Awww... I'm sorry to hear you may have lost your little webby muse, love.  I wonder how long spiders are meant to live?  The fact that she stayed so long, so near to you, and always allowed you to see her, was perhaps a clue to how comfortable she was with your presence.  ::hugs::

indigosunmoon said...

Remember Charlotte's Web?  I'm sure she left her mark on this world, in her offspring.  In our busy lives, its hard to stop and take in the beauty of something that most people find scary.  But all creatures have a place on this earth.  And the loss of one, especially one that is important to you...regardless what it is...hurts.  Sorry for your loss my friend.   ((((Trish))))

ondinemonet said...

Trish...you have done the impossible...I miss the lady widow! And I get the major wiggins from spiders!::: Weep, Sigh:::: Love, Carly :)

aynetal3 said...

I'm sorry to hear of your spider friend Free.  We know you loved her ... Since you started talking of her, we've shown our own little spider a little mercy.  She's a much smaller water spider who lives at the back of our sink.  I see your spider's strength and power and cherish in you her legacy left.  Our love always Ayn and all

alphawoman1 said...

Poor spider.
Mary

deabvt said...

That`s a wonderful story, full of wisdom.
Thanks

donah42 said...

Isn't it remarkable how the smallest of creatures can touch our lives? Reminds me of "Charlotte's Web"--maybe you'll find little Black Widow babies....

jeanyu said...

A true moving story!
You made many people thoughtful, including me.
Thanks for that!
I wish your big success from my heart!
It will come sooner than you think.

s0ngbird1962 said...

Ok, well first I want to say I'm so sorry that your hero died.... The compassion you have for even the smallest of creatures astounds & touches me.  (((Freee))) on the loss of your hero spider.

Now.......

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  Look at the size of that spider!!  I would have been running the other direction looking for the closest brave individual who would dare move her.  I admit that when I find bugs in my house that are too scary for me to touch, I'll trap them under a cup and leave them there until Mike gets home, lol.  I let most bugs/spiders live on, just not in my house...  : )

tammy97501 said...

I am not particularly fond of spiders, but apreciate the beauty of a black widow and the loss of your totem.

c82trinity said...

It was very interesting to read your story today. One of the greatest and last standing fears I have is spiders. I actually go into meltdown at the sight of them. Yet my favorite comic book character is the wonderful part arachnid Spiderman :) It is a very love and hate realationship and a fear that one day hope to stand up against but I love hearing stories like this because it reminds me of their beauty and uniquness and eases me into being less afraid of them. So her power still lives on because it was one step closer to me today :) Thanks for the wonderful story and I am sorry for your loss with her.

montaukny said...

{{{{{Freee}}}}}  I'm so sorry about your spider~hero!  Kind of reminds me of "Charlotte's Web," but in reverse...like I want to make some sort of sign that reads "Marvelous Spider" or the like.  What are the chances, I wonder, of some babies appearing?  ~Aunt Nub~

kathlyna22 said...

Free_ you are much more of a kind spirit than I am. I have terrible arachniphobia, and after even being hipnotized once, just can't get rid of it. You're much stronger in so many ways, than I am
Happy Easter
Kathleen

annalisa135 said...

You are an incredible person, Freee.  To love something so deadly, to appreciate the beauty & wonder of its creation, to feel so deeply over its demise.  I can feel your loss and pain.  

Wish i could share your grief, but alas, i have a hideous fear of those little buggers.  I thank you for the first spider entry, because it made me more aware of their beauty.  But I must continue to keep far far far away from them.  

harborkin said...

sorry about the spider. i hope you feel better soon. she sounded like a real, true friend.

coy1234787 said...

    Awwww Freeee!!! sorry to hear about your spider friend.It's kind of like Charlotte's Web. Good news is Black widows can live for up to 3 years so it may be comforting to think about the long productive life she may have lived.
    Keep an eye out for a possible egg sac that she may have laid before departing. You may soon find 300 or more little spiderlings ballooning their way to freedom.
    Be cautious and avoid possible spider bites. Can cause nausia, dizziness, and abdominal cramps. Yikes!
                                           *** Coy ***

coy1234787 said...

    Awwww Freeee!!! sorry to hear about your spider friend.It's kind of like Charlotte's Web. Good news is Black widows can live for up to 3 years so it may be comforting to think about the long productive life she may have lived.
    Keep an eye out for a possible egg sac that she may have laid before departing. You may soon find 300 or more little spiderlings ballooning their way to freedom.
    Be cautious and avoid possible spider bites. Can cause nausia, dizziness, and abdominal cramps. Yikes!
                                           *** Coy ***

miarenee24 said...

Oh, honey...I know that you are the kindest spirit I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. You know how I feel about spiders, and even "I" cried when I read this. It made me think of my very favorite children's book of ALL time, Charlotte's Web. She was your Charlotte and you, her Wilber... Love you! Mia

lucylouladybug said...

Most likely she had lived a long life, I wouldn't be surprised if there are baby spiders around at some point.  I think I told you before that I think it's bad luck to kill a spider, and therefore I don't.  One time, when I was a kid, I did, and hundreds of tiny baby spiders came off it's mom's back, I was devastated that I killed their mom, and swore, even though I have been bit by one, that I will not kill them.  I'm sorry you lost your friend.  Just like Charlotte's Web, that movie makes me cry.  (((Freee)))

Love, Penny

sonensmilinmon said...

I bet if you look around you will find at least ONE of her babies around.

I love your last line ... it's how I view life.  We leave our shell or body and our spirit lives on. :)

Smilin Mon

krobbie67 said...

You have such a delicate heart. It humbles me. I only hope that the spider knew the soul she was lucky enough to come in contact with when you came along.  I know I feel lucky. :-)---Robbie

bridgetteleigh75 said...

I know a lot of people will be put off that you have feelings about a spider...but I'm not.  I had a pet tarantula...and I wept like a baby when he died.  It was devastating to me.  He'd been a part of my life for 4 years.  Everyday I'd give him a cricket or two.  And everyday, he'd gobble it up.  His name was Dracula.  So yes, Trish...I can feel your pain.  

I'm not sure if you know this or not...but spiders have very short life spans.  Most only live 3 to 4 years.  So maybe your friend just died of old age.  Maybe she had babies though...just like Charlotte in the book Charlotte's Web.  =)

dobguy1 said...

I have tons of black widow spiders around my house in hemet Calif.  Your welcome to one of those...you have to beat me to them though cause I smash them to bits whenever I see one...they arent good to have with a 21 month old son.  I wouldnt worry bout the earthquakes too much...paranoia makes one seem strange.

perpetualnothing said...

I know how it feels to be so attached to something as strong as this... Some people think its funny or even sick how I let myself become a slave for something that I consider a passion of mine. I think they're the weird ones though. They refuse to open their minds and let diversity enter, so they make me sick. I suppose they have their reasons for feeling the way they do, I never really was considered normal, but then again, is there such a thing as normal in the end? I still haven't figured that one out. But you have a good evening.

finn1599 said...

Your experience has touched my soul.  To know that there are others who respect that life of all life.. Thank you for your thoughts.

meijer28 said...

ewwww... creepy. Though it makes me think of Charlottes web. I'm have a major spider phobia. :)

Meisha

boricuavixen22 said...

I THINK THE SPIDER SHOULD BE SCAREY NOT CUTE OK MAKE IT BIG NICE HARIY SCAREY WITH FAGS AND STUFF.ITHINK UR SPIDER IS BOREING CAUSE IT IS PLAIN BLACK MAKE COLOER WITH IT. I THINK UR SPIDER IS CORNEY OK NOT IN A BAD WAY OK. I THINK ISHOULD SEE WAT U WRITE BACK TO OK .

musenla said...

I'm not fond of spiders as you know, not at all.  Although I don't hate them as much as snakes.  

I'm surprised at how emotional you got with her;  she might be beautiful and everything, but to me she always be THAT poisonous black widow spider that can kill me if she wants to.  

I gues it has something to do with your spirituality.  You have a healthy respect for all living creatures, even potentially dangerous ones!