Sunday, March 14, 2004

Fear

This has been a week of fear. I didn't see it coming. It just kind of smacked me in the face and said, "Don't forget, I still exist." Powerful little bugger.

For no reason, other than fear, I suddenly found myself second-guessing every breath I've taken in the past. I questioned my own motives. I wondered if my reactions were too big and if my concerns were valid. I heightened personal security. I changed all my passwords. I saved files I would otherwise delete and deleted some that had sentimental value. I asked friends to speak for me because I couldn't find my voice. I shuddered in terror, tossing and turning during my sleepless nights. I wrote, rewrote, edited and ultimately deleted feelings, thoughts, hopes and dreams.

Why? What am I afraid of? What is this inhibiting fear that keeps me silent and small? I recognize this extreme level of anxiety as a place I lived from on a regular basis much of my life. On edge. Watching everyone's move. Wondering what I should or should not do. It kept my metabolism so high I would not only starve myself of nutrients but my body was actively trying to break down the emptiness inside.

The place of regression is the most difficult to reconcile. It's impossible to think and act like an adult while internally responding as a 6, 9 or 12 year-old child. When I'm smack dab in the epicenter, there's no telling what will happen. It's all-consuming. It's cellular. Information stored in the body. Learned behavior. Cognitively, I understand what's happening. Emotionally, I'm swaying in out of different stages of growth.

The difference between today and years past is, I'm forcing myself to move through this fear. I am reaching out. I went to yoga. I took a long walk. I'm doing laundry. I'm writing. I'm keeping active. I'm talking it out. Crying. Punching pillows. I'm admitting I'm scared while I'm in it. I'm allowing the fear to show its ugly face but I am no longer willing to let it to consume me and dictate my existence [in the same ways of the past].

As I've said before, I'm as safe as I feel.  And my present actions show me I'm not feeling very safe.  Nothing has changed in my physical world.  The only thing that has changed is my perception of my physical world.

Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

23 comments:

jensie248 said...

Trishy ... dear one ... tears from the first image ... awe ... such honesty, vulnerability, courage.... yet again, I am reminded how lucky I am to call myself "friend". Roshimomma

gingergirl05 said...

Fear can be so ruthless sometimes. But the strong-willed Freee seems to be just as ruthless, which shows in your attempts to fight this feeling. You are not pushing it down, but rather battling it with action. You are so amazing to be sharing your vulnerability with us readers. I truly hope that you are able to overcome this fear. Though, you already stand triumphant just for not giving up. Stay strong! ~ Kate xo

babyshark28 said...

((Freee))
I understand fear a great deal. It has kept me in my house for days on end sometimes. not wanting to interact with loved ones. I just want to curl up on my couch and dissappear. I am struggling out of that mental frame. struggle, struggle, struggle.

I like your statement...."I'm as safe as I feel" your words have made me stronger. thank you.

slowmotionlife said...

It's difficult to comment on entries like this because the issue at hand feels so large, so overwhelming... our words can't pin it down or comfort it. The only thing I know for certain in this life is that love heals all wounds. Not time. But love. Seek out love where you can. Mine is already offered to you. You know that. Luv you.

derossetfamily said...

The quote at the top made me shiver. Its so true. I've been debilitated by fear for the past 4 years, sometimes to the point of not leaving home (for days at a time), and its this time of year that jumpstarts my fears all over again. I'm on edge lately too. Good for you for reaching out, and being determined to fight it, I want to do the same thing, change the perspective. I hope I can, and I hope you can too. Wait, I know you can! ((big hugs))
~Mary

aynetal3 said...

We were going through fear yesterday too, so I feel well-primed to thinking cognitively of fear. We understand there is power to fear and it seemingly "comes up" as an ajar to sense of self and well-being. We're familiar with effects of "younger parts" who've been trained to second guess, question, place on guard, become speechless, feel terror, and lack sleep and feelings of worth. We'll say upfront that your effort to remain in the present is superb!

For a moment though, after passing the eye of the storm ... maybe this could serve as a marker to be working through (with proper strength and supports) what had happened to that 6, 9, and 12 year old child. Why were they so preoccupied with safety needs that affected their growth and development? One little step at a time Freee. We love you!!!

queenz43 said...

l(((((Freee))))) Freee, you are singing to the choir with this entry(I think that's how the saying goes) When it comes to fear I have always seen myself as the Captain of the team. It has been my master, I its slave.It has kept me in my home making me no more than an exister,and observer of life. When I told fear that I wanted to "live" and participate it smacked me around too, still does. What fear doesn't know is that I'm learning "mental self defense".

irun01 said...

I'll offer what I can . . . understanding, friendship, and thoughts of support heading your way.

queenz43 said...

You are strong freee, just ride this out. Don't let fear take you down. Face fear down just like you are doing never let it get you in a corner. Keep moving as much as you can. It's much harder to hit a moving target. You are not alone on this one. There are many of us fighting right along with you. You are in my thoughts Freee. ~RC~

s0ngbird1962 said...

Fear is only scary because it's unknown.... Uncertainity & changes in perception scare most of us Usually sensing changes in perception means that something is shifting within ourselves. That's usually not a bad thing, just scary. Yup, the unknown is scary...When the reasons for this fear become known to you, you'll be able to conquer it, no doubt.

krobbie67 said...

"But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue & loneliness" <--- I keep thinking of this part of the poem Desiderata to find peace.

Ignorance is bliss but being fully aware allows you to take necessary precautions to ensure your safety. It's the balance between precautionary measures and paranoia that I find difficult to temper.

:-)---Robbie

deabvt said...

Free, do these present feelings have to do with your recent posts?
Vince

andreakingme said...

Yes, sometimes ignorance IS bliss. And although I have no idea what you're talking about here or what you may be referring to, please know that you have my support. 100%. I've got your back, Trish!

geminiwilder said...

Freee....~*vibes*~ coming your way
keep holding on.
Love, Cindy

freeepeace said...

ROSHIMOMMA - First to comment! :) It's an honor to call you Friend. I would take it a step further and call you Sister. Truly, I am a reflection of you. xo

KATE - Wise and strong young one you are. You've got a head start on life's lessons. What a blessing.

SHARKY - That's some intense fear. I guess we all experience it - in different ways. Yes, we're as safe as we feel. :)

SLOMO - Great reminder. You know I believe the same: Love heals. That's always the goal/challenge - Will I choose love or fear? Today I choose love. Thank you. xo

MARY - Fear that keeps you home...you're the 4th person I've heard this from in the last week. I can only imagine what Spring brings up for you. I trust you can change your perspective. Honestly, give yoga a try.

AYNETAL - I do see this as a 'marker' - a chance for healing. I'm working with it - "one little step at a time." Thanks for your love. :)

RC - I'm riding it. Not avoiding it. But not fighting it either. Fear has a message for me - I don't want to miss it. xo

IRUN - I feel your support, thanks. ::hugging your poster:: hehe

MICHELLE - I agree, the unknown can be scary. This however, was all too familiar - yet irrational. But again you're right, something's shifting and it doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad thing. I'm riding the waves. :)

ROBBIE - As always, good point. I think I ran the gamut this weekend between precautionary measures and paranoia.

VINCE - No sir. This post and the previous are unrelated. Similar feelings and thoughts but unrelated events and issues. :)

ANDREA - Sorry to be so vague but I needed to write and wanted to share - and had to keep confidence in respect to privacy. So glad to hear you've got my back cuz it's really sore from yoga! :P But seriously, thank you. xo

CINDY - Oooh vibes! :) Thank you sweetie.

bridgetteleigh75 said...

I'm not entirely sure how to respond to this entry except to say...I'm here when you need me...with lots of love and support and hugs and chocolate chip cookies. =) (I bought a huge box of cookie dough at Costco the other night...). Are you enticed yet? =)

Love,
b

itsjustusinnc said...

No dear. Ignorance isn't bliss. I am bliss. But that's a story for another day. What's going on with you? You've said alot here and said it very well, but you're not revealing too much. So what'sa matter?

Gregg

jennipooh3597 said...

This was so well written Freeee! (really honest and touching...and so centered!) Fear robs us of so much. Love, happiness, opportunity....growth. Keeps us in that unhappy place of emotionally stunted safety zones. Comfortable in our discomfort. I know it well. Even in my current state of near bliss...Fear is there...threatening to push me back into old patterns. It's so good to see you working through it... past it... even in it. I hope I can do the same. L, Jenn

alphawoman1 said...

The "Mean Red's"
Mary

aims814 said...

wow, freee...I can understand every word you said. Fear has ruled most of my life.
"The difference between today and years past is, I'm forcing myself to move through this fear. I am reaching out." <~ Yes, that's the best thing. The older we get, the tighter grip it will have on us. It becomes our "norm." Very powerful entry! Love you!

musenla said...

Perception is a powerful thing. But as I've said before, perception is not reality. You are taking stock of your feelings, and that is good. When you stare fear in the face, it loses its grip, and you realize that it is, what it is, another emotion. Acknowledge it, understand it, feel it, and then move on. Take heart, dear Freee, like all things it will pass.

freeepeace said...

BRIDGETT - mmm ... chocolate chip cookies! I know you're here - thank you.

GREGG - All's well. Can't really divulge details, keeping confidence in the name of privacy. But it's all a lesson and a chance for healing. Probably exactly what I needed to re-kick-start my yoga! :)

JENN - Ah yes. Two choices: Fear and Love. Even in the "state of near bliss" - brilliant.

MARY - The Mean Reds? From Breakfast At Tiffany's?

MIA - Don't allow fear to become your 'norm' - please. xo

MUSE - Again, right on track. You're right, it'll pass - and it is passing. I feel stronger already, because of my persistence.

somenuttychic said...

Hmmmm. I' just wondering out loud what has tripped the trigger on this one. I'm wonderin whether it was one important thing, or a series of small insignificant ones. It defintely sounds as thought (at this point in your writing) you feel out of control and are desperately trying to get control back. But of what? Hmmm. Just my "out loud" thoughts. Ignore them.