This has been a week of fear. I didn't see it coming. It just kind of smacked me in the face and said, "Don't forget, I still exist." Powerful little bugger.
For no reason, other than fear, I suddenly found myself second-guessing every breath I've taken in the past. I questioned my own motives. I wondered if my reactions were too big and if my concerns were valid. I heightened personal security. I changed all my passwords. I saved files I would otherwise delete and deleted some that had sentimental value. I asked friends to speak for me because I couldn't find my voice. I shuddered in terror, tossing and turning during my sleepless nights. I wrote, rewrote, edited and ultimately deleted feelings, thoughts, hopes and dreams.
Why? What am I afraid of? What is this inhibiting fear that keeps me silent and small? I recognize this extreme level of anxiety as a place I lived from on a regular basis much of my life. On edge. Watching everyone's move. Wondering what I should or should not do. It kept my metabolism so high I would not only starve myself of nutrients but my body was actively trying to break down the emptiness inside.
The place of regression is the most difficult to reconcile. It's impossible to think and act like an adult while internally responding as a 6, 9 or 12 year-old child. When I'm smack dab in the epicenter, there's no telling what will happen. It's all-consuming. It's cellular. Information stored in the body. Learned behavior. Cognitively, I understand what's happening. Emotionally, I'm swaying in out of different stages of growth.
The difference between today and years past is, I'm forcing myself to move through this fear. I am reaching out. I went to yoga. I took a long walk. I'm doing laundry. I'm writing. I'm keeping active. I'm talking it out. Crying. Punching pillows. I'm admitting I'm scared while I'm in it. I'm allowing the fear to show its ugly face but I am no longer willing to let it to consume me and dictate my existence [in the same ways of the past].
As I've said before, I'm as safe as I feel. And my present actions show me I'm not feeling very safe. Nothing has changed in my physical world. The only thing that has changed is my perception of my physical world.
Sometimes ignorance is bliss.