Sunday, February 8, 2004

Search for Balance

Thanks to fdtate313 I'm listening to Damien Rice online.  Perfect music for a day like today.  A day that seems no one really gets me - not even myself.  It's okay.  It's just the way it is.  Not a bad thing - just an observation. 

I'm at a spiritual crossroads.  Perhaps it's seasonal.  But it's about that time when I feel like running far-far away.  In the past, this has been one of the scariest places, but today I'm allowing myself to be here.  No judgment.  No shame.  No blame.  No reasons needed to justify any of it.  

I find myself trying to fill my inside with stuff from my outside - a temporary fix-me-up.  Not that I'm broken.  But I don't feel whole.  That's okay I suppose. I'm not whole.  I mean, I'm as whole as a person can be, but my spirit has been split.  Split and shared with the rest of the world. 

See, I spend half my time trying to fulfill my own needs - as a whole person.   And I spend the other half, reaching for others - as a shared spirit.  Sometimes I get lost in one or the other - A constant search for balance. 

I'm beyond ache.  Today I can but only breathe.  For that, I am grateful.

22 comments:

metski715 said...

I sometimes think I have the answers to someone elses problems and then realize that its the same problem I haven't figured out with myself. I guess I sometimes put others problems before mine. A big cluster bomb.
:)
chris

itsjustusinnc said...

"..fill my inside with stuff from my outside."

I'm glad you recognize this for the band-aid it is hon. Too much of that only leads to misery. You're a beautiful, wonderul person & finding that TRUE inner peace is all you really need. By making full peace with yourself the search becomes unnecessary as the right people are drawn to you as if by magic. JMHO. :-)

Gregg

viviansullinwank said...

{{{{{Freee}}}}} at least you're trying to achieve balance. Some people just stay stuck on 'one side of the scale'. Do you find yourself creative at times like this? Are you ever motivated to write some new lyrics/music when you're in search for balance? You know you could always 'call up some chat friends'. We'll at least make you laugh :)

bridgetteleigh75 said...

If you plan on running far-far away...run MY way! =)

I don't think you realize it, Trish....but I think you HAVE achieved that perfect balance. I just told Doug yesterday (and this is absolutely the truth), that you are totally comfortable in your own skin...and you seem so at peace. I'm still struggling with these issues.

Take each minute as it comes, Trish.

XO ~ Bridgett

gingergirl05 said...

I find it amazing that you are able to allow yourself to be in this state without judging yourself or being frightened by it. Isn't life always a constant search for balance? Trying to make sure you love, live, understand, move-on, rewind when necessary, learn, sleep, wake and start all over. And every breath you take is one more step to having full lungs :o) ~ Kate xo

karensull12 said...

If it makes you feel any better, you should know that alot of the world walks around with the same search for balance that you do, but they are not able to articulate it as well as you.

musenla said...

You're doing the best you can do under the circumstances. Just BE. No need for judgment. It's a state of being.

irun01 said...

Wow. That is wonderfully written. Very honest and real. It should cause all of us to look at ourselves for a while.

diannevan said...

When you're aching, we all ache for you. When you're full of joy, you spread that joy to us as well.

wayoutdacloset said...

I FIND MYSELF NOT UNDERSTANDING MYSELF ITHER.. STRUGGLING TO GO FORWARD, AND TRYING NOT TO LIVE IN THE PAST. I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE I AM GOING I AM WALKING IN THE DARK WITH A FLASHLIGHT WITH NO BATTERIES. I DONT FEEL WHOLE ITHER INEZ IS MY MISSING PIECE AND SHE IS NOT COMMING BACK.. I UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL I WISH I COULD HELP YOU OUT OF IT ..BUT RIGHT NOW I AM BARELY AFLOAT IN MY SINKING SHIP. ~BERLY

krobbie67 said...

I can so relate. There must be an imbalance in the biorythms or something. Is there a full moon or new moon happening? Kevin and I both felt blah today so we just hung out doing the dull and routine. But, by doing it together it wasn't quite so blah. Hope you're feeling balanced soon.
:-) ---Robbie

aynetal3 said...

As a whole person ... you can give of yourself to others, but you shall never be left empty if you open your heart to them. Still it's true that the body need to nourish itself too with sound sleep, good food and drink and the elimination of all that's in need. Ask yourself only, "what will it take to allow access to the next passage. How much do you dare risk?"

fdtate313 said...

I'm so glad you are enjoying the Damien Rice...what a beautiful sound!

babyshark28 said...

be grateful for breath, freee. I have a friend who says exactly what you have said.. "no one really gets me" and I have often felt the same way. I wonder if everyone feels this way at times. I am sure. but, it doesn't help. Live IS a constant search for balance, I think I have chosen...to be off balanced and enjoy it. :) xo I will be thinking of you

ondinemonet said...

Trish my dear one, I sometimes we are thinking the same thoughts. I noticed the days are getting a bit longer today and just for a moment I felt displaced. I yearn for balance in all things as well...sometimes its the "journey to peace" thats the best part. :) Always, Carly :)

iwaterbeari said...

I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time.

miarenee24 said...

<A constant search for balance. > I can relate, my dear friend. YOU help balance me. Love ya for that. Thanks for sharing your spirit. As you always tell me..breathe. If you feel like talking, you know how to reach me :) {{xo}}

slowmotionlife said...

I totally forgot to leave a comment on this one!! OMG!!! I read this last night and started listening to Damien Rice while doing my taxes. And wow!! He's great! I definitely gotta get his album! Amazing, amazing, amazing stuff. I see now in my in-box that you left another music link for me. Gonna check that out. But in the meantime, I hope you're feeling more yourself. It was good to chat with you last night, and have some Surreal Life giggles. Luv you. --SloMo

s0ngbird1962 said...

Wow deep thoughts Freee.... I've been feeling just "not myself" lately either, I blame the season. Thinking I'm ready to leave the deadness of winter & yearn for the new living things of Spring.

andreakingme said...

That's EXACTLY how it is--what you said about trying to find the balance (I sure can't say it better than you just did). Thing is, I don't even think I know myself well enough to where I'm unbalanced. Or why. Or how I could FIND that inner peace.

So I eat chocolate and run on my ellipses machine. Not always in that order. ;-)

queenz43 said...

~ A day that seems no one really gets me - not even myself. ~

Hi there. I totally related to the words you wrote. It is easy to lose our balance and to try and fill ourselves from the outside in. These days I am trying to teach myself that when no one gets me, I have to learn to cherish myself and keep moving. Thank you for sharing these wonderful words of reflection and may you find the balance that you seek.
~RC

sharmonyrose said...



Yes...that acceptance is the key to inner peace. I have found that when I can just "allow myself to be here...no judgement, no shame, no blame, and no reasons needed to justify any of it"....and I stop running from the scariest place then it opens to inner peace. WHo would think peace could be found when you are willing to be present with the fear....but it is truely a way to inner peace.


Right....it's not that your broken.  


The answer to this paradox arose for me when I had the courage to ask myself...."Who Am I?" And when I looked to see I found I was not my roles, my history, my accomplishements or any of those external things. At first I found no answer...only this big emptiness that was at the spiritual crossroads.

But as i had the courage to sit with the emptiness I realized that what first appeared as emptiness was really just silence. And in the silence I realized that inner peace that I was looking for on the outside....was already who I am deep on the inside. And the inner peace was full of awareness and the more I looked inward at who I am, the deeper and deeper the inner peace grew, until it blossomed into joy. For me the answer to the search for inner peace was that I am not really a person at all, but rather my true idenity is that I am not separate from this silent freedom and peace I found at the core of me.

I invite you to see my website at www.innerpeace-nomatterwhat.com. And let me know if it addresses some of your concerns here. That's what it is designed to do...your feedback would be appreciated.

Sharmonyrose