ACK! I woke up anxious this morning. I haven't felt nervous all week, but with so many friends asking if I'm nervous, I think it's sinking in. HA! EEK!
I don't usually get nervous like I used to. I get excited, my palms sweat and I get short of breath. But I think I need that rush of adrenaline to play off of. Singing and playing my own music is much different from acting in a play or a musical. That stuff was written and directed by other people. Tonight's "show" was written and directed by me...only me. There's no one else to be accountable. No band members even. I have to create all that energy myself. Maybe play off the audience/friends. But still I have to contain it. Yikes!
Years ago, I used to go to poetry circles. It was a wonderful way to share music, thoughts, ideas, etc. It's helped me understand the value in sharing. So today when I get on stage, I imagine I'm sitting with peers, sharing. If I think I'm "putting on a show" it'll look and feel contrived. That's not who I am. And it's not who I want to be.
Secret : I always get the feeling I need to rush through my set so everyone can get on with the things in their lives that they'd rather be doing. As if they're all held captive in the audience. Even though I hear laughing, clapping, crying even. I can see smiles, tears and all eyes on me. But still I wonder if everyone is bored! I have friends who would call out names of songs they wanted to hear. And I've denied them the pleasure because I thought they were just naming them out of support - not because they actually wanted to hear them! [even songs that are on my Teaser CD]
Going to Jillian's and Jason's gigs this month really gave me a sense of what it's like to be in the audience, supporting a friend. There's nothing they can do that would change my respect for them. There's nothing like a live show! Jillian broke a string and rolled her eyes about it. Jason's a goofball and ad-libs a lot. That reminded me that I often break out into laughter when I forget lyrics in the middle of a song. You can't get that stuff on an album!