I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I love my friends and the new traditions we're creating. I'm learning to rely on my spirit. I spend all year trying to remember to look within to fulfill my own needs but come Christmas I lose sight of that.
It just occurred to me last night that so many of my friends don't really know what it's like NOT to have family around. Not just for the holidays. Every day. No phone calls. No check-ins. No lunch-dates. No safety net. It's been my choice. I moved 3,000 miles away. No longer willing to be who they needed me to be, I cut myself off from their ways. I created my own life, based on how I wanted to live it. I have a better life because of my choices. But that will never replace the longing I have for a mom and a dad.
I know that even if I had them in my life on a daily basis, they themselves could never replace that longing. They never did - why would I think today would be any different? So are my standards too high? I've gotten myself stuck in a catch-22 situation.
What do I long for? What do I think a mom and a dad can provide that I don't already have within myself?
My mom and I have come a long way. We are in limited communication, slowly learning our way back toward each other.
My dad and I are about as far apart as living relatives can be. I don't know him. He certainly doesn't know me. Perhaps he doesn't even care. But I refuse to believe that. Maybe that's where I'm stuck.
I'm sure this place isn't new for me. And each time I visit, I get to a deeper level of acceptance. But really, if you haven't lived a day without your parents - your living parents - then you have no idea how I feel. I compare it to flying without a net. I'm able to soar but the pain of the fall is excruciating.
Perhaps we all feel this way - parents or no parents. But do we all long for that parental figure to make everything seem bearable? To make life seem that much less overwhelming? To feel protected from the big bad world? I've been longing for that person as far back as I can remember!