Thursday, December 11, 2003

... and Lows

Well, it didn't take long for me to come back down from my high.  I know I must sound manic.  But I feel like I live life from this empty, dark place more than I ever feel good.  I want these moods to change places.  I realize I must experience both highs and lows.  But I want the majority of my life to be experienced from a high and maybe give the lows an hour here and there... rather than the other way around.

I was surprised by how wonderful I was feeling earlier.  It was grounding.  It was from the inside-out.  It was authentic.  I really know that.  But I can't find that place in this moment.  I'm stuck in despair.  I'm writhing in tears.  Discomfort.  Lethargy.  Apathy. 

Dear God, Please help me remember who I am.  Help me remember you.  Show me my next breath.  Show me truth.  Help me accept things as they are, with love and compassion.  Hold me when I'm in this forgetting.  Carry me.  Help me stay present.  Don't let me disappear into myself.

16 comments:

hempenhomespun said...

**hug** I know too well how you feel. The pain of a low after a uniquely exhilarating high is acute. When I feel down (which is more often than I care to admit) I do a simple exercise. I smile. Anyone who knows me knows that I smile alot. For some intriguing psychological reason, if you smile enough, your body thinks you're happy and produces the brain chemicals that actually MAKE you happy. (So what if it's cheating?)

babyshark28 said...

((freee)) you are a clocks pendulem, you angel you. I will be thinking of you, and sending your way, peace, acceptance, serenity, love, joy, truth, and hugs.

itsjustusinnc said...

{{{{HUGS FREEE}}}}

You know ya gotta take the good & the bad. If you were on a high the whole time you wouldn't appreciate it nearly as much. So I say,let the lows be (as long as they're not TOO low) and remember fondly the highs. They'll come again. :-)

Smooches,
Grgeg

groovyacoustic said...

This long winded man can't keep it ot 500 characters.. so I wrote you an e-mail. But I'm thinking about you.

Peace and LOVE

diannevan said...

I wish I knew what to say. I want to have the magic words that snap you out of the funk. Hell, I just want the simple fact that "I want you out of the funk" to be inspirational enough to lift you up, but that's not the way it works. I hope someone smarter than I am can tell you the right words.

irun01 said...

Remember, even in the low times, how loved and cherished and admired you are.

alphawoman1 said...

Free sweet heart, you worry me.

viviansullinwank said...

{{{{{Free}}}}} Doesn't it seem like life is an emotional bungee cord sometimes!?! I hope you find yourself on an upswing very soon. I never feel like you're coming from an empty dark place...you always seem like there's light emanating from you. I hope you find comfort in all of us who love you and draw upon that love to raise yourself back up to where things feel good.

grodygeek said...

Whoa. I so know how you feel. You commented on my last up and down day last Sunday. It was such a great time. We didn't do anything exciting or even romantic, but it was so great to be with someone that so shared an interest. Then I came down so hard feeling I had blown it. Wednesday I called her and it was return to the high. Sigh. There needs to be miners helmets and shovels for digging out of the mental fog.
Gordy

karynetaylor said...

well if you coulda seen how excited I was to get a certain CD in the mail, and perhaps even be here while I tore open the package then stopped to take a digital picture to post at MY journal, well, then PERHAPS that would lift your spirits.

what might dampen them is knowing that I try to sing along after the 3rd or 4th time through the CD. I think I saw my pile of laundry cringe!

~ Karyn

aims814 said...

Freee, I love you and I will sit on that seat in the roller-coaster beside you! I know exactly what you mean! {sending my love}

slowmotionlife said...

Despite the pain in this entry, there's such beauty. There's beauty in hope, in the looking toward brighter futures. I've always said about my sudden depressions that I sometimes have to "feel" a thing in order to conquer it. Sometimes a little crying is necessary. Luv you.

freeepeace said...

Hempen, I tried your "cheat" and I can chuckle about it now but if you coulda seen the pathetic pasted deformed look on my face, with tears falling into my mouth [suddenly understood the shape of a frown]...you might have laughed at me and I might have been knocked right out of my sadness! But you're right about tricking the brain... thanks for the reminder!

freeepeace said...

Thanks for the hugs everyone! Alpha, thanks for commenting. No need to worry! I'm always okay. Just journaling truth. Karyn, your comment put a big smile across my face! Sing loud! Sharky, Irun, Gregg, Vivian, Gordy, DiAnne, Mia, Slomo - I love you guys/gals! Thank you for your love. Groovyacoustic, nice to see you in here! Gotta run so I can get to your show ::gasp:: late! xo all

clarity4today said...

Aw, I don't think you sound manic. I know how much it sucks to have moods that have a mind of their own. Sometimes the circumstances can be identical, but for some reason you feel hopeless. Yet, you'll do a little something, and suddenly you feel so well that you can't figure out what made you sad in the first place. Or maybe that's just me blabbing about myself in your comments section.
((hugs)) though. I understand. :-)
Donna

freeepeace said...

Thanks Donna. You're right...that sudden burst of energy and I'm up-n-at-em... forgetting that I was ever down... until the next round. It's humbling actually. I do learn a lot in those places.