Monday, November 24, 2003

Love and Laughter

[continued from above]

The few months following, my life was more stressful than it had been in years.  I couldn't afford the homeopathic remedies.  I was taking care of others in my life, without first considering myself.  I kicked into survival mode - which is basically another term for denial.
 
Last January I slowly started making major changes in my life.  My ear began to hurt less and less.  I would swear the tumor actually decreased in size.  I was able to massage it without feeling pain.  It was easy to deny it when it wasn't bothering me.

But recently, I've been feeling the earaches.  My ears ring.  There's a tugging in my throat.  And the lump feels a little more swollen.  I'm terrified.  I know I need to make an appointment to get those tests done.  A biopsy will prove that it's still benign.  The MRI and CT-scan will show exactly where it's located and what size it is.  But my debilitating terror keeps me from making that phone call.

I'm writing this in hopes I'll find the courage to do something [hey, I found the courage to write].  I don't want to give the tumor a lot of attention.  I want to give myself the attention.  I do believe in natural healing.  I believe in the power of prayer and affirmation.  I believe I am what I believe I am.  And if I believe I'm sick, then that I shall be.  So in this moment, I am well. 

Please don't try to convince me to have the surgery.  Please don't try tough-loving me into the surgeon's office.  Please support me on my journey to peace.  Please allow me to have my process.  Please listen.  Please check in.  And please, for God's sake, love me and make me laugh!  Love and Laughter Heals!

23 comments:

sepintx said...

{Freee} I think maybe the first procedure traumatized you, the second doctor suggested a course of action that you could'nt accept. And maybe you were right. Make the phone call and just go in to see if something has changed.

Find someone to talk to about the first procedure. Does not sound like you were very deeply under and that might be one of the reasons you felt so terrified. Might be very subconscious trauma that makes the whole situation very hard to deal with.

viviansullinwank said...

{{{{{Free }}}}}
PROVERBS 17:22 A merry heart doeth good like a medicine

isabelzmia said...

((((((((Freee)))))))))
I'm with you, that journey of fear - yet, the determination, that I, too, can heal myself. It's a daunting task, and it can be discouraging, but I do believe - I believe in you. Love & Laughter does hear ---- from my heart to yours!
xoxoxo ~ Isabel

irun01 said...

Wow, hard to know what to say. I just IM'd you.

slowmotionlife said...

As far as the love and laughter goes, I think I've done my fair share. :)

I think this decision has to be yours and yours alone. We all care so much about you. It's natural for us to worry, to want the best for you. We want you to be WELL. Most of all, though, I want you to be happy. I want you to be without fear.

Do what you feel is best for you. And write about it if it makes you feel better. We're listening. [And I'm sending a gaggle of giggles to your in-box RIGHT no

andi214 said...

I'm praying for you. Your courage to write about your fear is admirable. Thanks for trusting. Be good to yourself. Andi

s0ngbird1962 said...

(((Freee))), I went thru surgery to remove a tumor on my thyroid 9 yrs ago... I was worried about many of the same things you are. Especially worried about losing my voice; what's a s0ngbird if it can only croak like a frog? LOL. Anyways, all went well, I'm sure yours would too (when you decide to have the surgery in your own time). I'm a nurse, so trying hard to stop myself from convincing you to have the surgery, lol. If you ever need an ear or wanna talk about it, IM or email me anytime ok?

gvpagenc said...

First of all, I'd've told Sir Scapes-a-lot to back the f*ck off until he could garauntee SOMETHING or I'd have his sack sitting on my mantle if he hacked up the side of my face for nothing. HEL-lo! But this is totally something you have to decide for yourself hon. You've gotta do what's best for you-- no one else has a say in that. I've more thoughts (imagine that lol), so expect thee a Letter Most Royal in thy inbox sometime soon. :-)

alphawoman1 said...

If this was someone you loved telling/sharing with you these thoughts and feelings, what would you do? What would you say to them?

dazeychic said...

Hi sweety! Ok. What is it that you told me? "What are you really afraid of?" Whether we are talking about writing...or singing...or poems...or surgery..Your words hold true. I KNOW for a fact that you are full of courage or you wouldnt have shared this with us...you are my total inspiration! "Believing is Recieving." Believe in yourself, in God and (yes) even in doctors. Get a second opinion and trust in yourself. I am always here for you...you little exotic thing! ~Shells

hempenhomespun said...

What, you're not into the white walls, white sheets, white coats thing?
Have you considered visiting a professional who specializes in holistic health care--someone who can give you advice on how to heal yourself spiritually and physically and keep yourself in balance?
Remember that you can lessen or conquer your fear of the situation once you learn how to control it.

raisinglouisiana said...

Wow, I read every entry, on the edge of my seat.
Well, you know the nurse in me wants to help you
feel better, but I'm one nurse who is an advocate
and respects the person's decision regarding what's
best for them. I think you had a bad experience the
first go round, and I can understand your fear. I also
believe in the power of prayer and spirit, faith and a positive
attitude doing wonders. Laughter is the BEST! Love, Penny

musenla said...

first and foremost, the warmest hugs to you freee. i'm sure all of us in aol-j will give you a group hug if we could. as i said in my previous comment, have you gone for a second opinion? maybe other measures can be taken short of surgery to help you. i'm not a medical professional so i don't have anything else to suggest; just remember that we're all here for you and thinking of you.

aims814 said...

Ok. First. I love and care about you, and just want you to not only be well, but to feel peace over whatever you decide. I believe in the power of prayer also. I wish I'd read this a while ago. But, first thing tomorrow I'm sending a positive e-mail your way! and I'm also thinking, "OMG I've had a knot like that in front of my ear for 15 yrs! and it hurts at times. Never went to the Dr. about it tho... going to do research tomorrow.. ::hugs::

aims814 said...

PS~ keep this in mind. You know most of my story about my health issues. The Dr. that I went to last week has so far been a God send! It's always good and can be very refreshing and comforting to get a 2nd opinion. Let's face it, some Drs are lots better than others. Don't go to that other one. Find a new, good one-if you go that route. Sending Stephen hugs for ya!

ondinemonet said...

Honey, I haven't known you long, but you are a grown up and you must decided something this important for yourself. But, I wish you would just consider options without committing to one focused course. Its always good in all things to keep options alive. We girls have the perogative to change out minds afterall :) I will most certainly check in and download my hug letter if you need it. :) Keep us up to date OK?

derossetfamily said...

((((HUGS)))))
Freee I was on the edge through that whole story. I can understand how terrifying that is, really. No tough love from me. I'm a really good listener, keep telling! So worried for you, your in my thoughts. Please keep us updated.
~Mary

babyshark28 said...

Hey, I am listening...and I love you freeepeace. your a special person. Do what you need to do. Enjoy your journey, wherever it takes you.

andreakingme said...

I'm here. No, I'm there beside you. Whenever you need a hand squeeze, hug or a smile. So whenever you need to, remember that there are people pulling for you and there with you in spirit.

Hugs,
Andea

diannevan said...

In the space of this four part entry, so far I see 35 comments in here. I haven't yet read any of them, but I'd bet a dollar to a donut (Mmm... donuts) that all 35 commenters want you to do anything it takes to stay healthy. I'm not a believer in homeopathic remedies (could be because I work for an oncologist and used to work for an ENT surgeon), so you know where my thoughts are. But you have to do what is right for you.

yakima127 said...

I am new to your journal. I was rivoted to the entries as I read through them. I have no good advice. What I have is an experience...
2 years ago, my daughter was diagnosed with Cancer...we didn't get the choice to self-heal;

yakima127 said...

WE were at the mercy of the beast and the slayers (doctors) because when hers was found, it was stage IV. I subjected my child to very aggressive chemo treatments, blood transfusions, and hell. It appears we have saved her life. But, her soul is not healed. This journal has opened my eyes. I made her choice... God bless. Keep posting...Jae

clarity4today said...

Oh my gosh. I'm so behind on reading, and now I see I've missed a lot. Now, I don't know what to say to make you laugh! But, I'll be praying for you, hoping you make whatever choices are the right ones for you. And I"m sorry it has been such a difficult road. (((freee))))