Monday, November 24, 2003

Fear

I'm scared.  It's been a while since I've written, talked or shared my feelings about this.  But I'm starting to feel the pull again, and it's needing some attention.  Perhaps it's not as big of a deal that I'm making it to be.  But the more I think about it, the more pain I feel.
 
Over a year ago I went to see a doctor about a cyst I had/have behind my right ear because I was having severe earaches. Minor outpatient surgery was prescribed to drain the fluid.  Doc said it was common and the procedure was simple enough to drive myself in and out - 30 minutes tops.  He also said these surgeries take a back seat to other major ones such as cancer.  I was relieved (I really didn't want any kind of surgery) - but when I made the appointment, there happened to be a last-minute cancellation for the very next day.  If I didn't take it, I would have had to wait three months for the next appointment.  Three months of more earaches?  Ugh!  Which is worse?  I took the appointment.
 
In a small room with the doctor, a trainee/assistant and two other nurses, I almost passed out from the fear alone.  Why did I think I could handle something like that on my own?  I should've heard the key terms, needles, cut, anesthesia, sign-here.  I really should've had someone, an ally, there with me - just because of who I am.  Needles - Doctors - Hospitals: We all clash!  Most can handle more than I can when it comes to this stuff.
 
They tried to make me as comfortable as possible.  I asked what was going to "drain" and if I could see it when we were done. I'm curious like that.  The doctor put on music of my choice.  I wanted it loud, since he was going to be working on my ear.  The loudest he had was GooGooDolls.  But after the first few local needles (OUCH) he started cutting and I could hear e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.  The cutting, my skin ripping, his breath, the sweat dripping off my forehead onto the gurney, then scraping! [scraping?  he never mentioned anything about scraping] 

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6 comments:

slowmotionlife said...

Scraping??? Eeeeeeeek. I'm enthralled... reading on....

karynetaylor said...

Thinking of you, praying for you, here for you whenever you need to vent.

You are very special, a wonderful person who shows through in her words and so many care very much about you.

Keep us posted, and we promise not to badger you!!

am4th said...

Oh, I am sorry to hear that you had to go through this. I hope you are feeling better:)

gvpagenc said...

Oh God Freee! I would've had him knock me OUT! I'm a total wimp about stuff like this. There's no way I could've dealt with all that. Talk about a trooper!

Gregg

musenla said...

oh gawd, i'm getting the heebies just reading this. muse<---scampering over to the next entry.

babyshark28 said...

GooGooDolls...love that band. This sounds rather frightening! I have got lots more to read though, down below...