Tuesday, October 14, 2003

Ten Years

(note: audio is very muddy - remember, it's recorded from the stereo on the phone)

I haven't seen my family in seven years.  I've managed to avoid seeing my father for ten years.  I plan on seeing him this fall. 

My Father - My father taught me how to sing and play the guitar.  He brought me to bars and clubs when I was 12 so I could get experience singing on stage.  He bought me my first guitar.  He gave me the family car for my birthday when I was in high school.  He helped me with math homework.  He taught me about preventive car maintenance.  He taught me how to play baseball and chess.  But my father also taught me about fear and shame.  He taught me about the pain and rage of silence.  He taught me about disrespect and self-hate. 

My Mother - My mother didn't just get involved in everything my brother and I did, she was the Brownie and Cub Scout Leader.  She became the president of PTA.  She was the cheerleading coach.  She made all of our Halloween costumes.  She made sure the house was stocked full of soda and junk food.  All my friends loved her.  She was every one of my girlfriend's surrogate mom.  But she was needy and controlling.  She was envious of my relationship with my father.  Yet, she hated me for hating him.  But she would call me her "best friend." It took a long time for me to unravel that web!  Today they are still together.  She suffers with Lupus.  He just suffers.

Every day I get closer to remembering truth - I am love.  He is love.  She is love.  They were once children too.  What they taught me is what they were taught.  It's my intention to break the cycle.  Shedding light on the shadows is the only way to remembering.  And they know that's what I've been doing for the past ten years.  I'm ready to see them.  My mom's thrilled to see me.  I don't know about my dad.  Then again, I never really did.


babyshark28 said...

wow. so much pain, but beautifully written. I don't want to get too deep in this little comment space..let's just say I relate. and I feel honored to have been able to read your thoughts tonight..

musenla said...

Our parents, they're only human, too and try to do the best they can. It took me a while to accept they're mere mortals. At some point, the best thing we can do is take the torch and tell them, "thanks, i'll take it from here".

jellybean1437 said...

well i changed my colors a little bit...lemme know if its better or worse :) -*-Kayleen-*-

aims814 said...

How I overlooked your comment in my journal is beyond me... I am so happy that I looked through my older entries and happened upon your comment, so full of kind words. You have a very kind heart and soul. Thanks so much for stopping by our place and leaving such touching words. I cannot wait for some time to myself so I can read through your journal entries :) So wise, to be so young :) Peace to you!