I am a mess today. My headache is so bad that all I can do is cry. (Where is my WeepyTime Tea?) I'm sitting at the yoga studio, ready to greet clients with a bright red nose and puffy eyes. And just as my drying tears start to crack on my cheeks, I'm reminded that I had just been crying and a whole new wave begins. What am I doing? What am I doing here? What am I doing with my life? What is this all about? I'm crashing head-first into despair. I have a recording session tonight that I'm this close to blowing off. I have to stop thinking! My thoughts bring on more tears and stronger headache. Dammit. I just can't stop crying.
I was a blubbering idiot in Trader Joe's this afternoon. If I wasn't on the verge of passing out from low blood sugar I would have just left. But instead I chose to accept all the freakish looks of fearful shoppers. People are afraid of public cryers for some reason. As if it's contagious.
Things are changing in my life. I'm always resistant to change but when it actually happens I end up accepting it. But right now I'm scared to death. There's so much... I can't remember the truth in this moment. I need to remember truth. My thoughts tell me they are the truth. I get suckered into taking them to heart. Words like worthless and useless ring so loud that I can't hear anything else.
If I post this entry it's because I'm committed to keeping it real. If not, then no one will know and we can go on like nothing ever happened. I can't even pretend that I feel okay in this moment. But I can't write anymore. The crying must stop (at least while I sit at the front desk). How do I even think I'll get through my recording session tonight? Stop. Stop thinking!