Monday, October 27, 2003

tears, tears and more tears

I am a mess today.  My headache is so bad that all I can do is cry.  (Where is my WeepyTime Tea?)  I'm sitting at the yoga studio, ready to greet clients with a bright red nose and puffy eyes.  And just as my drying tears start to crack on my cheeks, I'm reminded that I had just been crying and a whole new wave begins.  What am I doing?  What am I doing here?  What am I doing with my life?  What is this all about?  I'm crashing head-first into despair.  I have a recording session tonight that I'm this close to blowing off.  I have to stop thinking!  My thoughts bring on more tears and stronger headache.  Dammit.  I just can't stop crying.

I was a blubbering idiot in Trader Joe's this afternoon.  If I wasn't on the verge of passing out from low blood sugar I would have just left.  But instead I chose to accept all the freakish looks of fearful shoppers.  People are afraid of public cryers for some reason.  As if it's contagious.

Things are changing in my life.  I'm always resistant to change but when it actually happens I end up accepting it.  But right now I'm scared to death.  There's so much... I can't remember the truth in this moment.  I need to remember truth.  My thoughts tell me they are the truth.  I get suckered into taking them to heart.  Words like worthless and useless ring so loud that I can't hear anything else.

If I post this entry it's because I'm committed to keeping it real.  If not, then no one will know and we can go on like nothing ever happened.  I can't even pretend that I feel okay in this moment.  But I can't write anymore.  The crying must stop (at least while I sit at the front desk).  How do I even think I'll get through my recording session tonight?  Stop.  Stop thinking!

9 comments:

raisinglouisiana said...

If it helps, and I hope it does, please go
read my entries from my journal today.
I wish I knew what exactly it is that is hurting
you, but in a way, it's not the exact thing that we
go through, but the end result is the same. We cry,
we hurt, and we question ourselves. I had to stop
"thinking" and start "feeling" and sometimes, it makes
a difference. Just know I'm "feeling" for you right now.
Love you, Penny

sepintx said...

{{{{{{Freee}}}}}}}}

clarity4today said...

((Freee)) I hope you are feeling better very soon.

babyshark28 said...

ahhh (((freee))) I am struggling a bit as well.... I'm sorry. I wish there were magic words to say to make it all go away..

aynetal3 said...

{{{{{{freee}}}}}} We get triggered into confusion through pain too. We believe you are "worthmore!" For the moment, you may need to re-ground yourself in something you trust, if nothing more than an old fashioned peanut butter/jelly. When the smoke clears from this flare-up (blast from the past?), you WILL be able to reorganize challenging thoughts. You've been taking on a lot lately, like with all your care of fellow journalers. They're good, you're good! We have faith in you. Jesse

andreakingme said...

I sent you an e-mail, but I wanted to show my support for you here as well. And I hope you ended up doing what you needed to do last night (sleep! sleep the sleep of the dead!).

Sometimes the best thing we can do for someone else is just to let them know that we are listening (reading). And, well, I'm here and I'm reading ...

Please feel better, Feep.

musenla said...

hey girl, i'm reading your entries late. i'm sorry you're feeling this way today, anything I can do? You've been so generous, there's someone here who appreciates your and your golden heart.

rinakatay21 said...

awww...I know this was days ago...but I still want to give you a hug. Hope all is better now...=) I'm sending positive thoughts your way.

slowmotionlife said...

Sweetie, I'm sorry I wasn't here for this. I had my own tears to cry, but I somehow feel more sorry for yours... they seem so internal, so deeply inbedded in who you are. I can't help but love you as if you were a small thing, as if I could hold you in the palm my hand. What you give to us by being honest is yourself. We can only ask for that and nothing more.