Friday, October 31, 2003

Celebrating Excellence

What a day in in Journal-Land.  The nominees have been announced for the AOL-Journal Awards - Celebrating Excellence.  A big huge thank you goes to Vivian and her hard-working team for putting this whole thing together!  A big huge slobbering thank you goes to all who voted.  Without your participation... well, there wouldn't be a contest.  A big huge slobbering, blubbering thank you goes to all who nominated this Livingroom Superstar on her Journey to Peace for Best New Journal category.  I'm thrilled to be sitting up here with my peers and so many of my favorite journals.  I'm also bummed because a bunch of my favorites didn't get nominated.  But I really think it's because there are only ten categories this first time around.  I imagine there will be more in the future.  I'll be posting some more of my personal favorites in the weeks to come.

Be sure to visit all the nominees.  And remember to vote for your favorite in each category.  The polls are open from Saturday November 1st through Saturday November 8th.

I joke about being competitive (because I am) but sincerely, I am honored just to have been recognized by my peers.  We are all winners just by being here. It takes great strength and courage to express our art, our writing, our spirit in the world.  Congratulations to the entire AOL-Journal Community!

Thursday, October 30, 2003

Paying it Forward

Freeepeace's favorite new AOL-J HotSpots!  These journals may not be new but just like an NBC rerun, "If you haven't seen it, it's new to you."

Cynicism as an Art Form - art, theatre, kids and a life complete with an imaginary pet llama named Fletcher!  I laugh so much my throat hurts!  She's climbing higher on my "must sees" every day.

My Unvarnished Truth - Donna is "the one in charge of the madness."  I love her because she's down-to-earth, funny and heart-warming. You might find an occasional pic of her beautiful son Colton, or some animated image but (thanks to dial-up) her journal isn't bogged down with a bunch of tricks and fluff.  It's just honest and real.

Blah Blah Blog - I've mentioned her before... way back when I was "a corner coffee shop."  She's been outta the loop for a few weeks because of a disconnected telephone - thanks to her ex-hubby. She's back and full of spunk. Today she's a single mom with two toddlers and a gay sidekick, Lonny (who, for a long time I thought was some kind of pet).
DJ's Mind Maze - DJ - her name and her nickname!  She's a veterinary technician - One of the biggest animal lover's on the planet. Read this tidbit about her and see why it's exciting that she's about to move out of her parents' home and into her own apartment for the very first time.
7th Grade Life - Imagine a world of homework, sibling rivalry, video games, chores, crushes and AOL-Journals at age thirteen!  This is Andrew.  He'll tell you all about his "boring" day at school and sometimes he'll throw in a hint about the girl he likes.  He's intelligent, very friendly and loves to write.

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

shifting focus

This is as real as it gets.  It's a scary thing - vulnerability.  It's one thing to write to the faceless world.  It's easy to sing to that world.  It's also a piece of cake to mark up images so much that it would be impossible to recognize the face.  But tonight I risk losing face-lessness.

It's time to shift focus.  There's a lot to consider when other (innocent) people are involved in an AOL-Journaler's life.  As I delve into my process - and share it with 'the world' - I need to get clear about my intentions.  One of the reasons I started this journal was to have a candid place to release whatever needed to be released. It was also my intention to hash out some creativity and play a little bit.  As my journal developed I began putting obvious signs of the real me in here.  Then I added my music.  So much for being candid.  I need to take full responsibility for the content in my journal.  I've noticed my counter is skyrocketing yet most of the same people are leaving comments.  So before this gets way out of hand, I've decided to make a few subtle but very important changes.   I've made some great friends, met some very interesting people and I am excited about continuing on this path.  I thank you all for your support (comment or no comment). 

keeping it real

Thank you all for your love and support.  I'm overwhelmed with gratitude in this moment.  You are all so unique in the way you express your love, it's heart-opening.  I'm suddenly acutely aware of the lyrics in my own song that was embedded in my journal - up until last night when I just couldn't bear it any longer!  "I can just receive as much as I can bear."  You all "sent me love through walls of pain."  I guess I am human afterall.

Sepintx, you put a pinhole through the walls last night with your stunning flower photo - and your cyber-hug speaks volumes.  Andrea, thank you for your warmth and generosity.  DiAnne, what can I say? Your reflection is greatly appreciated (and was apparently needed).  Ayn, Jesse and all - you are truly amazing, with your heart, your wisdom and your ability to put a smile on my face (peanutbutter/jelly).  Penny, your timing is impeccable.  I plan on getting to that list this evening.  Babyshark, I'm sorry you're struggling as well.  Please know I'm available too - the door swings both ways.  Donna, thank you for your support, always.

Keeping it real... I'm struggling.  But I'm always okay.  I'm beginning to understand that I've been through the ringer - and I've been putting myself through the ringer (double-whammy).  But I'm grateful for all the events in my life - even the most gut-wrenching, hiddeous acts of betrayal were all necessary for me to be the whole of who I am today.  As I strive toward forgiveness, I am bombarded with a flood of emotions.  But the only way out is through.  Sometimes I forget.  I have a lot of love and support - on the outside and now here in journal-land.  I am exactly where I need to be (even if it's not where I want to be).

Monday, October 27, 2003

tears, tears and more tears

I am a mess today.  My headache is so bad that all I can do is cry.  (Where is my WeepyTime Tea?)  I'm sitting at the yoga studio, ready to greet clients with a bright red nose and puffy eyes.  And just as my drying tears start to crack on my cheeks, I'm reminded that I had just been crying and a whole new wave begins.  What am I doing?  What am I doing here?  What am I doing with my life?  What is this all about?  I'm crashing head-first into despair.  I have a recording session tonight that I'm this close to blowing off.  I have to stop thinking!  My thoughts bring on more tears and stronger headache.  Dammit.  I just can't stop crying.

I was a blubbering idiot in Trader Joe's this afternoon.  If I wasn't on the verge of passing out from low blood sugar I would have just left.  But instead I chose to accept all the freakish looks of fearful shoppers.  People are afraid of public cryers for some reason.  As if it's contagious.

Things are changing in my life.  I'm always resistant to change but when it actually happens I end up accepting it.  But right now I'm scared to death.  There's so much... I can't remember the truth in this moment.  I need to remember truth.  My thoughts tell me they are the truth.  I get suckered into taking them to heart.  Words like worthless and useless ring so loud that I can't hear anything else.

If I post this entry it's because I'm committed to keeping it real.  If not, then no one will know and we can go on like nothing ever happened.  I can't even pretend that I feel okay in this moment.  But I can't write anymore.  The crying must stop (at least while I sit at the front desk).  How do I even think I'll get through my recording session tonight?  Stop.  Stop thinking!

Sunday, October 26, 2003

what time is it

Well, I figured out what it is that I do with that "whole extra hour" each fall.  I spend the entire day befuddled by every single clock in my pathway!

The clock in my car is eternally stuck on daylight savings time.  I know there's some simpleton way to change the time but I never seem to figure it out until the next time change.  So for the next few months I expect my car to be one hour ahead.

Somehow I managed to change the time on my favorite ten-dollar-Target-kid's-digital watch - but in the process, I also changed the date, set the alarm and it's now permanently on military time.

My cable box and VCR both have clocks on them - and they sit, one on top of the other.  So last night I kept my eye on the VCR time because I expected the cable box time to change automatically (big brother cable companies - don't get me started on the computer and cell phone clocks! )  Well, I was up very late - you know, doing all the things I was eager to complete in that one extra hour.  So when I went to bed, the cable box and VCR both read "2 AM" - Great!  In my mind, that meant it was really 1 AM.  Not bad!  But when I looked at that stupid hand-me-down alarm clock by my bed, it read "3 AM" - How could that be?!  Took me a while to figure out that while the cable box had already changed time, the VCR had freakishly done the same on its own!

So I don't know what time I went to sleep last night.  I felt so tired, I was just glad to have the extra hour.  Ironically, I woke up earlier than ever this morning - Did you know 6:00 comes twice a day?!

AOL-J Awards

It's getting to be crunch-time with the AOL-Journal Awards.  Thanks to SEPINTX for sharing his wonderful display of organization.  I'm so not good at this.  I hate contests, even though you won't find a more competitive personality around - except for maybe my best friend but she would never admit that (she's so competitive, we've fought over this).  I'm also a procrastinator and a perfectionist so it's like me to put things off till the last minute and if I can't deliver perfection, I won't deliver at all.  Then I suffer remorse for not participating.  Then I blame those in charge for not giving me enough time.  Then I quit altogether.

I want all my favorite journalers to be donning the award of excellence.  But I don't seem to have much luck, given the last few times I voted in elections.  But I know it's my responsibility as part of this community to speak up.

As much as I'd love to see that sparkling beauty of a graphic illuminating my journal, I just don't think it falls under any of the categories - except for maybe Best New Journal.  But most (if not all) of my favorites fall under that category.  I don't even know how I would describe my journal.  "Come visit my journal.  It's about... well, it's got... uhh... you'll laugh, you'll cry, you can listen to my music."  Ugh, my music, that's a whole other process, "Come to my show, it's sort of acoustic-folky-pop-rock-AC-indy-ish."  I guess there's just no category for me in general.  It's exactly how I live my life.  I don't like labels - if it's not obvious, then don't assume.  I like having the option of living outside and inside the box.  But damn, that award is stunning.  I covet thy graphic!

Saturday, October 25, 2003

Fall Back

It's that time again!  Daylight Savings Time will officially end at 2am, Sunday October 25th.

Don't forget to change your clocks back one hour tonight!  Woohoo!  One whole extra hour!  Isn't it funny how we think we can get so much done in that hour.  The things that go through my mind: I'll get caught up on, laundry, bills, thank-you notes, house-painting and the twenty books on my shelf that I've never read.  In my delusional mind I could get Slomo's weekend to-to list done in that hour!

But it's no secretWe all know what we all will be doing - so I expect to see all my faves posting extra this weekend!  Remember, I have a whole extra hour to read and comment!  So have at it!

Chocolate & Music



Chocolate goes to all who helped me figure out how to get my music heard!  All of you led me to the Queen of the SMEs  :)

An entry is on its way. 

For now, have a listen...   click here to play song

Song - Walls of Pain  c1997 TMonaco

Friday, October 24, 2003

Friday Five

I'm hoping today's Friday Five (courtesy of Andreakingme) will kick-start my healing process.  I swear though, this headache must stop now!  (Dear Headache, I command you to leave my body.  You are no longer welcome here.  I thank you for all that you taught me - basically, that I'm a wus and can't handle you any longer.  I bid you farewell.  Now get the hell out!  Ommmm)

1. What is your favorite scary movie?  I'm not much for scary movies but my scariest scary movie is Nightmare on Elm Street.  It was just too much like my real-life childhood dreams.

2. What is your favorite Halloween treat?  Skull pops!

3. Do you dress up for Halloween? If so, describe your best Halloween costume.  I love dressing up for Halloween.  I haven't in a while but a few years ago I was Peter Pan.

4. Do you enjoy going to haunted houses or other spooky events?  Not really - I always wonder, what if someone is really dying?  Strangers come screaming at me with knives in their backs and axes through their skulls, gushing blood, pleading for help and I laugh and applaud because it looks so real.

5. Will you dress up for Halloween this year?  Haven't even thought about it. I guess it depends on what my plans are.

Thursday, October 23, 2003

Weepytime Tea

Oh I'm so tired.  I realize I haven't posted since Tuesday.  I can hardly believe it's Thursday already. (it's Thursday right?)  I'm a little overwhelmed with life at the moment.  Nothing I can't handle.  Just really needing to go in and listen (y'know?)

I'm a little freaked out about finances.  But I wonder who isn't. It's okay though. I know I'm in the right place (spiritually) and I am not ready to give up dogwalking.  Honestly, the heaviness of financial worry is less painful than the thought of sitting in an office all day.  I wanna cry just thinking about it.  I believe if my heart is in it then the rest will follow.  But it's taking a little longer to follow than I'm comfortable with.

Woke up not feeling well (again). It comes and goes. But the headaches (ow).  I'm pretty sure the weather is a big contributor.  Fall was here for a couple of weeks and now it feels like we're smack-dab in the middle of summer again!  I don't eat.  I don't sleep. I'm sure it'll all work itself out.

So much for my exciting recap of the blah and mundane.  In this moment, it's just plain old blah and mundane. 

There are so many teas on the market for just about every emotion or syndrome.  Is there a tea for me?

Tuesday, October 21, 2003


First - I had an incredible recording session last night.  MusicMan and I are finding a groove in our work together building trust.  That's so important - especially with some of my music's heavy subject matter.  I wasn't sure which song to record until I started tuning my guitar. MusicMan liked a chord he heard.  It happens to be in one of my most emotionally challenging songs.  I was scared at first but I thought, what the hell, I'm gonna have to record it sometime!  So I just went for it. (toot-toot) The dynamics are insane - I start off whispering and end up screaming.  He set the recording levels and gave me the go.  When I finished he said, "I know you well enough now to know I can't get any more out of you.  We don't need to do another take."  What?!  We did it in ONE TAKE!  I don't know how he did it but he got it all and we never broke glass!  He's a genius. This take told the story with the range, the emotion, the build, everything we're looking for.  To top it off, he loves the song.  I always think guys are going to be turned off by songs that are so vulnerable - and it usually turns out, they are the most responsive.  Even though my song is about child abuse, MusicMan was relating it to his 5 year-old daughter's overwhelming fear of Halloween ("But there's a monster in my bed and he wants to see me dead.  Can you hear me?  Mama can you hear me?  Please don't leave me here alone.")  ~  I love how universal music is.

Second - I tested my sense of strength and will today.  I went to work (the dogpark).  It was like a bazillion degrees out today so dogs literally parked themselves under trees in the shade.  My clothes melted into my pores.  Too hot.  Went to Trader Joe's and found out that my salad had indeed been restocked.  I bought two.  And when I came home this afternoon, I did not rush to my computer! (toot-toot!) Instead, I did all my backed-up chores, including three loads of laundry and bathing Hunny. 

Third - I took a nice long cool shower and now I have a full stomach, a clean home and a sunburn on my shoulders!  And the night is still young here in the west! (toot-toot)

for you, SloMo

We all know how the rush of journaling, blogging and commenting can be a blinding force.  We order take out one night, then the next.  Soon all the restaurants in our area know us by the last four digits of our credit card.  There's a trail of laundry from the bathroom, through the hallway, into the bedroom.  We start wearing the same pair of jeans three and four times.  We pack a lunch for our dogs and send our kids to school with kibble and a bone.  We fall into bed at some ungodly hour of the night and two hours later when we pass our computer on the way back from the bathroom, we get online just to see if anyone posted anything new.  For some, chores and bills start to pile up.  Friends "on the outside" start to worry.  We don't see the signs.  We think we can handle it.  We've "got it under control."  Until one day, tragedy strikes.  And we, as a team, must gather in support of each other.

To our friends and loved ones - One of our fellow journal addicts has hit bottom and needs our help.  It seems she's innocently forgotten to follow up on a minor infraction and now (thanks to Frank) she's shivering in her sleep, with one eye open anticipating her trip to the "Clinker" as Big Mama's b*tch.

Please send prayers and good thoughts to our sister as she stands tall, facing her fears and owning her part in this catastrophe.  We're here for you SloMo!  Fly and be free!

Monday, October 20, 2003

Crossing the Line

I had to make an uninformed decision to cross a picket line last week.  I pulled into an Albertson's parking lot and ducked behind the steering wheel to call a friend who I thought might've had some information on the situation. The stores were still open.  But I didn't know what it would mean for me to cross the line.  My friend knew just about as much as I did.  I'm not much of a supermarket shopper.  I was only going in to cash in my sofa change at CoinStar.  I shamefully walked through the picket line into what felt like a ghost town.  My footsteps echoed through the lifeless market.  There was such a chill in the air, I could practically see my own breath.  There were two cashiers, one examining a rubberband as the other observed (I think they were managers).  And there were three other customers, all using CoinStar!  I did see someone scurry by the picketers slurring some kind of apology about needing toilet paper.  At which a picketer blankly snapped, "Sav-On is less than 500 yards from here."  She mumbled something else and I'm pretty sure it wasn't "have a nice day."

This has been going on for over a week and I'm embarrassed to report that I'm not that much more informed.  From what I understand, the companies want to cut their health plan and the unions are protesting.  Frankly, I don't blame them.  How much can a grocery store clerk make in a week?  My guess is minimum wage plus free health care.

During my drive to work today I heard an Albertson's radio commercial - some big blowout giveaway - details are a blur.  What struck me was how they'll spend bundles on advertising and promotional freebies but they won't continue to take care of their employees the way they have from the very beginning?  Corporations!  BAH!

Mid-writing this entry, I took a break to skip down the street to Trader Joe's for a quick salad...or not-so-quick anymore!  Now I know where all the protesters are shopping!  It took me thirty minutes to get out (and they didn't even have the salad I wanted - drat!).  Now it's personal!  Come on people.  Let's get through this already so everyone can go to the grocery stores and I can make a quick TJ's stop again!

Sunday, October 19, 2003

Obsession - part 1

And now for something completely different...

There's a little stalker in each of us.  We've all been there.  And those who say they haven't, have been there more than most!  We look to others for acceptance.  We want to be noticed.  We look outside ourselves just for that ounce of validation.  We will shred our dignity to be seen in the way we want to be seen.  We want to be loved.  But more than that, we want to be liked.  We go out of our way to be acknowledged.  We plant ourselves in places where we can't be missed.  We get the idea in our head that if we're not accepted, then we're not worthy of breath.  We cut ourselves to the bone.  We become righteous, bitter and angry when we don't get what we want. 

What we're not seeing is we're always getting what we need.  But this is for those moments of angst when we think we know what we need - and no one can tell us different!  We go for it.  We get it.  And when we find out it's not all that, we're crushed (maybe that's why they call it a crush)


Obsession - part 2

(again, I apologize.  The audio is muddy.) 

Obsession (c1996) 

I saw you in your car today - You didn't know I was there - You were headed the other way - I couldn't help but stare

I should be in class right now - But this is your day off - I rearrange my life somehow - Where do you get off

Teasing me This way 

No one knows the things I do - With the thoughts I have - Of you

Maybe if I dye my hair - Or change the way I dress - Maybe I could get you to care - And life won't be such a mess

I think about the life we'd have - It's just not the same - I know all about your past - And you don't know my name

When will you - Wake up 

No one knows the things I do - With the thoughts I have - I have - Of you

You're still playing games I see - You think your love will last - Wait until you check out me - You'll never go back

What is it that you want from me - I give you all I've got - Are you just too blind to see - Or is it you forgot

I'm the best - You'll get

No one knows the things I do - With the thoughts I have - Of you - Of you

Saturday, October 18, 2003

Me in a Nutshell

Here's to you Shelli P. It's fun spending a day in your life.  Here's a little more about me than some might wanna know - if that's so, then click on by!  Otherwise, read on, do the same in your journal and send me (and Shelli P) the link - we wanna know you too!  ~peace~

things I'm grateful for:  Hunny, My friends, the beach. yoga. laugher. heartfelt conversation. long hot baths in winter. Yerba Mate tea w/vanilla rice dream and honey. fruit smoothies. tattoo on my arm. Coffee Bean coffee w/vanilla. dirty vodka martinis.dragonflies. my guitar. high-speed internet access. spirit, truth and breath.
things that bug me:  tailgaters, ignorance (yes, even my own), untruth, insincerity, head noise, confrontation. incontinuity in film/tv.
things I'd like to know more about: Surfing, skateboarding, snowboarding, graphic design, photography, HTML, Psychology, Tarot, Astrology, keyboard/piano, percussion
fave cds:  Jason Mraz, Cree Summer, Jillian Speer, Moulin Rouge, John Mayer,  Eminem, Santana, Eva Cassidy, Trish Monaco  ::wink::
fave tv shows:  Will & Grace, Friends, Sex & the City, Six Feet Under, Judging Amy, ER
fave movies:  A League of their Own, The Hand that Rocks the Cradle, Fletch, Better off Dead, Legally Blonde, Thirteen, Adventures in Babysitting
fave foods:  chocolate chip cookies, basmati rice, mashed potatoes, broccoli, cauliflour, french fries, pomegranate, watermelon.
least fave foods:  just about everything else
fave smells:  fresh cut grass, nag champa incense, pink roses
least fave smells:  sulfur, vomit (blech!)
fave books:  Emmanuel's Books, Indigo Children, Nanny Diaries, Many Lives Many Masters
reading right now:  AOL Journals (endlessly)
things i collect:  dust, memories, debt
what i spend most of my money on:  rent
I aspire to:  Love and live life to its fullest potential.
biggest momentary pet peeve:  2500 character limits!



Opus Barthalemew Marandai III (Opie)
No, there's no Opie Senior nor is there a Junior.  But Opie's personality is so big his parents thought he deserved a name he could live up to.  He's royalty alright.  This cutie-little-fluff-ball gets everything he wants, when he wants it, because he deserves it.  If it's not home-cooked (or takeout) he's not interested.  Opie can often be found casually strolling the streets of Santa Monica and every once in a while he might jump (relative term) at the chance to run (again, relatively speaking) with the pack at the park.  He's a great one to curl up with and he loves to give kisses.  His hobbies include burying bones in the yard, chasing his cats, and demanding food.  He has many brother and sister cats and cousin doggies (Hunny and Roshi).  He loves his family but if it were up to him, he'd be the only child so he could have his mama's undivided attention forever.

Life's Great Teachers


Master 'Roshi' Ivanovich

Weighing in at 9.4 lbs, this little creature has a heart bigger than the house he now calls home!  Once roaming the streets of South Central LA, he's now stepping in high cotton, having found his true love in the eyes and arms of his Mama (not pictured). He's generous with his toys and loves his cousins, Hunny and Opie (not pictured below because I can't figure out the html). A lover, a licker, a cuddler and a ham. But don't let all that fool anyone.  He's fierce!  He rules the streets with his long stride and snarly growl. He takes them all down, single-pawedly and makes his mama proud.  He's the protector of his kingdom, and the love of his mama's life.

Friday, October 17, 2003

Meme - part 1

This past week some fellow journalers have stirred a bunch of emotions and I haven't been able to shake thoughts of my grandmother (Meme). A strong, independent woman, legally blind for as long as I knew her (but able to see thanks to the marvels of medicine).  She was always partying, planning trips with friends, dancing, joking, laughing. One of the funniest stories I remember her telling us was when she met her second husband. They met at a social event, danced for a bit, had some punch, took an evening stroll and sat on a park bench.  As they gazed at each other, he said, "You have beautiful eyes." She smiled, tilted her head a bit, put her hand on his and said, "Thank you, they're not mine." They laughed for the rest of their lives. I was surprised when Meme died a few years ago. I just thought she would live forever.

She loved me. She loved my singing. To her, I was a "hot ticket." I moved across country and for a long time I wasn't able to face her, as I was dealing with some truth about her son (my father). I just thought if I was honest with her, it would kill her. She died anyway - without knowing me as an adult. Without knowing my truth. But that's okay. She didn't need to know. She never heard the music I wrote. But I know she hears me now. This is for her. 


Meme - part 2

Be Alright (c1999)  

All alone
By the phone
Can't bear to pick it up
I let it ring
I fear the news
From home

You're gone now
And you're not coming back
And there'll never be another chance for me
To call out
For times you made me laugh
And said everything is gonna be

Be alright - Be alright - Be alright  

Dreamed last night
You were still with us
Among the living room
You told us
You weren't ready
To move on

But I woke up
With the emptiness
That I feel
When I cry myself to sleep at night
Tell myself
It isn't real
And you'll come back
And everything will be
Be alright - Be alright - Be alright
How do I go on
Without you by my side
How do I go on
Without you
Telling me
Is gonna be
I know it's selfish
But I can't help it
I need more time (I need more time, I need more time)
To say goodbye
You're fading
In my mind's eye
As I
Try to hold you to the light
I'm waiting
For the day I
See you again
Until then (I know I'll)
Be alright - Be alright - Be alright
I'm alright - You're alright - Be alright

Friday Five

Is it Friday already?!  Here are my picks for the FRIDAY FIVE (in 2500 characters or less dammit)

1. Name five things in your refrigerator.

box of leftover takeout - vegetarian non-spicy Indian food (yum)

bowl of leftover takeout soup/dahl (lentils)

bag of trader joe's vegan chocolate chip cookies

vanilla rice dream

2 mint chocolate promax bars

2. Name five things in your freezer.

box of trader joe's clouds (chocolate covered pecans w/caramel)

bag of ice from my birthday gathering (last May)

bottle of vodka from the same gathering

pint of vanilla rice dream "ice cream"

variety of frozen fruit for smoothies!

3. Name five things under your kitchen sink.

Nature's Miracle - for nature's little accidents (and by "nature" i mean dogs)

diswashing liquid

ajax/comet (yes, the toxic stuff)

a billion new sponges from costco

the garbage disposal

4. Name five things around your computer.

papers permanently stacked in the "to be filed" pile

my color-me-mine mug w/yerba mate tea

bowl of change, hair ties, keys, rings and a 20-dollar bill (which will later become another leftover takeout box in the fridge)

5th grade flag football schedule

oh no!  overdue library books (what would i have done without this survey?)

5. Name five things in your medicine cabinet.

box of oscillococcinum (pronounced "ossy-la-la")

a bunch of homeopathics, herbs and vitamins

essential oils

advantage - flea control for my dog

nail polish

Thursday, October 16, 2003

I'm In Love

:::sigh:::   For the past 6 months I've been listening to this man  practically non-stop.  Each week I find something new and exciting about his music.  I love his cute falsettos.  He's funny, spontaneous and a vivid storyteller.  When he sings, he adds a whole bunch of words (and non-words) to his already ingenious lyrics. And that lisp!  :::melt:::  I remember reading about him last year when I heard his single release, The Remedy  on the radio.  He's deep and spiritual (love that).  He's even got a journal.  He wears a hat (like me).  And he's calm, cool and collected.  He makes my heart go pitter-patter.  And hey, I'm a fence-hopper so Jason, if you're reading this, will you marry me?  Of course, what I really mean is, will you please live up to the projection of who I want you to be for the rest of my life?  I'll Do Anything cuz I ghatz the poison!

And you absolutely positively must watch the live acoustic performance of I'll Do Anything - and while you're at it, watch You and I Both.

What's an alarm clock doing here?

I had an appointment this morning so I dusted off my hand-me-down alarm clock last night and set it to be sure and get up on time.  I know for most, it's not so uncommon.  Many of you go to bed and wake up when it's dark.  So I'm not even going to mention what time it was.  Let's just say it's was very early - for me! (remember too, I go to bed after midnight most nights)

So this morning when the alarm buzzed or beeped or whatever it is that it does, I was so disoriented I picked up the clock and examined it with a strange curiosity.  It wasn't until that annoying sound got louder when I realized I had the power to turn it off.  But I had to place it back on the nightstand and "tap" the top because the snooze button is located underneath - like a click-pen. (who thinks of these things?)  That's just way too much thinking I had to do.  But once I figured it out, it got easier to remember.  Every 10 minutes - tap.  I got real comfortable with that routine.  Till I remembered I had to actually get up.

I don't know how I ever did it when I worked in an office.  My body doesn't wake up till around noon - maybe 11am.  I was always (at least) ten minutes late, no matter what time I was supposed to be there.  For the longest time, I thought that was just part of who I was - irresponsible.  But when I quit, I realized the truth - I just didn't care.  I'm a true procrastinator.  I don't like being committed to the clock.  Heck, I don't like commitment period.  With dogwalking, I feel the freedom to make my own schedule.  I give my clients a window of time, "Your dog will be out for at least an hour between 12 and 2pm."  The more I can stretch it, the more relaxed I can be.  Lately I've been saying things like "mid-day" which basically means between 10 and 4.  Most days my dogs are out for longer than an hour.  But that's because I love my work.  There's freedom in that.  And I need to feel free - or I'll be at least ten minutes late!

Wednesday, October 15, 2003

flat tire

Guess I won't be going anywhere anytime soon!  I have a flat tire.  I see the culprit too - a nail.  Argh!  Second one in six weeks.  Oh well... off to wait for AAA.  I'm hungry!

Parachute Pants?

My allergies are really annoying me lately.  Last week I was feeling sick.  This week it's allergies.  I'm stuffy, coughy, sneezy and itchy.  ha, a few more and I could be a Disney classic.  But in between sneezes, I was able to have one of the best recording sessions last night.  After some deep journaling yesterday, I decided to make the recording as light as possible - believe it or not, I have a few fun songs.  I wore these great, unique, cargo pants I got from a friend - for dogwalking.  They're grayish, with ties at the bottom, capri-style and of course cargo pockets.  Who cares?  That's not the point.  The point is, the material is a little shiny and slick - kinda like a weaved windbreaker (what do i know about material?)  Anyway, when we were doing a sound check, MusicMan (the guy I'm recording with) stopped me in the middle of it and said, "You know, you shouldn't wear those pants when you record."  I almost got offended - but it didn't make sense.  I was in a sound booth (he could only see my face).  And his back is to me the whole time we record.  He went on to say my pants were too loud!  hahahah!  what?  He explained that the microphones were picking up my movement.  [Ohhh... Now I'm not so offended.  But I am stuck here in these pants.]  He offered to get some sweatpants from his wife in the house next door (very kind).  When he returned he continued, "Yeah, this happens everytime someone wears those parachute pants ."  Ack!  I was on the brink of defending my wardrobe when I realized the potential waste-of-studio-time it would've been.  I gladly changed into the ugly sweatpants.  And within an hour we had the final take of Hippy Dippy (ironically, a song about a girl who's proud to wear hand-me-down clothes).

Tuesday, October 14, 2003

Ten Years

(note: audio is very muddy - remember, it's recorded from the stereo on the phone)

I haven't seen my family in seven years.  I've managed to avoid seeing my father for ten years.  I plan on seeing him this fall. 

My Father - My father taught me how to sing and play the guitar.  He brought me to bars and clubs when I was 12 so I could get experience singing on stage.  He bought me my first guitar.  He gave me the family car for my birthday when I was in high school.  He helped me with math homework.  He taught me about preventive car maintenance.  He taught me how to play baseball and chess.  But my father also taught me about fear and shame.  He taught me about the pain and rage of silence.  He taught me about disrespect and self-hate. 

My Mother - My mother didn't just get involved in everything my brother and I did, she was the Brownie and Cub Scout Leader.  She became the president of PTA.  She was the cheerleading coach.  She made all of our Halloween costumes.  She made sure the house was stocked full of soda and junk food.  All my friends loved her.  She was every one of my girlfriend's surrogate mom.  But she was needy and controlling.  She was envious of my relationship with my father.  Yet, she hated me for hating him.  But she would call me her "best friend." It took a long time for me to unravel that web!  Today they are still together.  She suffers with Lupus.  He just suffers.

Every day I get closer to remembering truth - I am love.  He is love.  She is love.  They were once children too.  What they taught me is what they were taught.  It's my intention to break the cycle.  Shedding light on the shadows is the only way to remembering.  And they know that's what I've been doing for the past ten years.  I'm ready to see them.  My mom's thrilled to see me.  I don't know about my dad.  Then again, I never really did.

Weekly Picks

hmmm... anyone else notice the AOL Top 5 is now the Editor's Weekly Picks!  This may be old news to some but like summer reruns, "If you haven't seen it, it's new to you." As much as I wanted them to mix it up for us a bit, now it's just not as exciting to get up in the morning.  I liked the idea of having new journals already chosen for me.  I'm that lazy.  I'll admit, it was getting a little out of hand with a Daily Top 5.  I don't think there are that many journals on AOL yet.  But now I have to do the blog jog myself.  I don't know what happens with my search criteria - but there are some doozies out there! 

Please send me links to your faves.  And while you're at it, leave comments once in a while.  I know you've been here - my trusty counter tells me so.  But I wanna know who you are - and how you are!  LOVE SHOUT to the AOL Journal Community!

Monday, October 13, 2003

Walls of Pain

Okay, so thanks to viviansullinwank I have attempted to add my first audio entry.  Reminded me of when I was a little kid and wanted to record my favorite songs from the radio.  I would put the tape recorder directly on the stereo speaker (shows my age I guess... this was before stereos and tape players were one unit).  But this is a six year-old version of one of my songs.

Love is what's real.  The rest is an illusion.

Music Mondays

I just realized I have neglected to mention my life as a musician.  I use that term lightly because I've made more money being a dogwalker, cleaning toilets and answering phones.  But also when I hear that word musician I think of someone who studied music theory from birth.  These guys generally own at least three guitars, keyboards, a few amps, a bunch of computer programs and they're constantly working out riffs and licks to find the perfect hook.  With me, I have one guitar - the same one I got for my 13th birthday.  I have a hand-me-down amp that I never use.  And I have no idea how to read or write music.  But I know what I'm doing!  When I write a good song it takes less than an hour.  I wait till I feel inspired.  I sit with my guitar in hand and close my eyes.  Whatever comes out is what I write.  It's channeled.  There's no other way to describe it.  It's a gift from something bigger than me.  It's universal truth.  Who knew this would be a venue for healing?  When I first started playing shows - or gigging as one might say - I was amazed by how many strangers would stop me after, asking for a CD, wondering when the next show would be.  Guys always wanted to talk shop - ugh! (guys, pre-amp and midi-talk is not gonna get you laid). The only thing I know about guitars is how to play.  I am self-taught so I know nothing about the manufacturing of musical instruments - and I don't care.  I just like the way it feels when I play.  And luckily it sounds good.  So good that every Monday night I've been recording tracks to produce my album.  We started last month and plan to continue until we're done.  This is a big deal.  I got the sense to mention it because I don't want to blow it this time.  I've been offered studio time before - and didn't follow through.  I've passed up really big gigs (i.e. singing The National Anthem at the Rose Bowl).  I haven't participated in any "big break" contests. Today, with you as my witness, I am determined to follow through with this project.  Procrastinate No More!


Projection - Reacting to the past in a present situation. A few years ago a friend and I were in a department store. A mother of four sat with her crying child in her lap. The mother told her to stop and she put her hand over her child's mouth. The crying got louder. The mother then gave a handful of consecutive slaps to the crying child. My heart was racing. I was shaking with fury - and fear. I was also in shock. There were at least five of us witnessing this absurd display of abuse - including a store employee. But no one said or did anything. My friend was visibly shaken too. We agreed to report it to security. But as we walked past she blurted out STOP HITTING YOUR CHILD! What is she doing? That wasn't our plan? We continued to the front of the store. We asked the cashier to call security. Soon the entire family came hauling ass through the crowd. The mother yelled, "One o' you got something to say?" My friend was sure to keep her mouth shut this time. I wasn't so smart. Thinking I was a safe distance from her I said, "Yeah! You shouldn't hit your kid!" With that, the crowd parted like the Red Sea, paving a clear pathway for us to share a split second face to face. Honestly, she could've crushed me like a bug - and she would have if security hadn't arrived at that very moment.  ~  I know my intention was to give voice to the vulnerable child. But I was projecting my own fear onto that child and my anger onto the mother. I reacted in fear (or re-acted my fear). And by doing so, I put myself in potential danger. Yes, the woman was abusing her child. And yes, I am a child advocate. But I was so overwhelmed by my own feelings that it became about me, rather than the child. My mission is to react intact - recognize the moment I'm reacting, detach from the learned meaning of it and choose to respond differently. Easier said than done.

Sunday, October 12, 2003

Right to Vote

AOL picks their daily top 5 journals.  Now we all have the chance to choose top ten journal categories in this peer-voting pollWe've all seen what can happen when we don't exercise our right to vote.  In this poll, there's no age restriction - so I want to see all my 12-year-old buddies right alongside my ahem-year-old pals in this election!

Friday, October 10, 2003

Pirate Sisters

I've been trying for 5-or-so years to come up with an accurate description of my group of friends that I call family.  We're all from different backgrounds - rich, poor, broken and "unbroken" homes, small towns, big cities, Indian Reservations - from all over the world.  We span a few generations.  We gather together, howl at the moon, roll on the floor laughing and cry in each other's laps.  We support each other the way a family should.  We all have different goals, careers, opinions (ohhh, the opinions!).  But there's one common thread.  We're misfits.  We are the outspoken ones, the "black sheep" in our families.  We're freaks.  And may our freak flags fly high!  We're Pirate Sisters!  Complete with pirate names.

Recently I did a random search using keywords like pirate and sister (clever huh?) and I came across this amazing site that explains it all.  I don't know who created it - but I'll be sure to find out the next time we gather.

Being a Pirate Sister is both rewarding and challenging ALL THE TIME.  I'm constantly faced with my demons and shadows, working my edges.  It's impossible to run from the muck of it all with such powerful reflection.  I asked for this.  I called for healing.  I conjured up the mirror of truth.  It's a blessing and a curse - but mostly a blessing!

LOVE SHOUT to all my Pirate Sisters!  Thank you for loving me as I am in all moments (incomplete and imperfect).  Thank you for teaching me how to love.  And thank you for loving yourselves.  Without your love of self, I would not be who I am today.  We do it for each other - and everyone! 

~peace & love~  Trishalicious, Queen Sitting Pretty 


I just spent an hour spilling my soul to you all ... and with one flip of my foot I shut my computer off - off - completely off!!  what the hell kind of computer is this that a breeeeeze can power if off completely?!

not feeling very peacefull right now. 

Friday Five

Friday Five - a dare from Andreakingme. 

1. Do you watch sports? If so, which ones?

XGames, Little League Baseball World Series and 5th-Grade Flag Football - and Major League Baseball when I'm available.

2. What/who are your favorite sports teams and/or favorite athletes?

Rune Gliffberg (skateboarder), McKinley Elementary (flag football), Boston Red Sox (MLB)

3. Are there any sports you hate?


4. Have you ever been to a sports event?

bought tix to the XGames this year - went to a party instead.  I attend 5th-grade flag football every Saturday in the fall.  Been to a handful of MLB, NFL and NHL games (combined).

5. Do/did you play any sports (in school or other)? How long did you play?

When I was a kid I was a gymnast and played baseball and softball.  I did a lot of skating and some skiing.  I do yoga now (on and off for 4 years).  And at 35, I'm determined to become a "skateboarder/surfer chick".

Thursday, October 9, 2003


Your truth is your power.

The truth is the most freeing discovery you can make.  ~  To be free of the fear of death, to be free of distrust, of limitation, to be free to be who you really are -- these are the gifts that you will receive  ~  by paying the price of introspection and honesty.  ~  Human life is a most difficult classroom  ~  until you learn the simple fact  ~  that your truth is your power,  ~  your salvation,  ~  your fulfillment,  ~  your purpose and your way.  ~  Once you can truly believe that  ~  life becomes the joyous and abundant garden  ~  that it is meant to be.  


Freedom is not an illusion.

Freedom is the natural way of being.

It is your birthright.  ~  It is your home. 

Be willing to accept the shadows  ~  that walk across the sun. 


~ Emmanuel's Book

Wednesday, October 8, 2003

Animated Images

My eyes are burning.  I'm about to fall over the keyboard.  But I thank my new journal-buddy, Maydeeday, for her help with animated images.  Off to dreamland with my sweet Hunny.  ~peace all~

Tuesday, October 7, 2003

Wake Up Call - Helloooooo?!!

Exit Polls show a loss for those of us who still believe in freedom.  Since we're all part of the collective unconsciousness I can't blame anyone but myself for the demise of this state and our not-so-free country.  First Bush stole the presidency - and we let him.  He must be real proud to know we've been at war since he came on board (don't get me started on the real truth about 9/11).  Now we get to just decide to give the boot to anyone in office - for no good reason.  Perhaps if Gray Davis started a war, he'd still be in office.  Better yet, if he were a Nazi-loving, sex offender, he'd be our next hero!  As much as I want to pull the covers over my head and fall asleep (now more than ever), this is the time we all need to wake up - collectively!  Anything can happen now!  Anything

Violate 5 of your loved ones for one low price

The next e-card you open could actually be installing software on your computer that will allow the sender to spy on you!  Apparently any one of us can buy this program to secretly spy on anyone!  All you need is $89 and your victim's email address and you can find out exactly what your partner, child, friend (or even your ex-partner!) is doing online!  Sounds outrageous - Ahh but wait!  You get to spy on 5 people for one low price!  You don't even need to have physical access to their computer. 

And this article says it "could be illegal." ???  How did it ever become "legal" to begin with?!  Thoughts?

Monday, October 6, 2003

whiny, sick and tired

Ugh!  I'm fighting a cold or the flu or something I'd rather not have to spend energy on.  But I was blessed enough to have a lighter work day than I anticipated.  I started the day with a jam-packed schedule.  And piece by piece, it shredded.  I was able to spend the last part of my day in bed, sweating out my low-grade fever.  I did have to make one dogpark run earlier.  I was achy and had the chills so I bundled up in a thick sweater, scarf and hat.  I don't spend too much time wondering about what others think of me - but I was painfully aware that I looked a little out of place!  Yes, it's October.  Yes, we're experiencing "fall weather."  But I am in Los Angeles - so yes, it was 75 degrees in some parts of the city today.  And no, with my fever it didn't feel warm enough for me to strut about in shorts and a tank top (like my fellow dogwalkers).  The sweater did come off after an hour but only to reveal the long-sleeve thermal underneath - the hat and scarf stayed put!  ~  Lots of ibuprofen, echinacea, rest and juicy vitamin C later I'm sad to report I'm still borderline feverish and a bit fatigued.  It's a good thing I got a jump on this early.  I can only imagine how I might feel right now if I wasn't able to rest today.  ~  I get whiny when I'm not feeling well.  Every little thing bothers me and I sometimes regress to pre-verbal stages of life.  It's probably good.  I honor those parts of me.  When I'm home alone I let myself whine as much as I want.  It's a nice release.  I'm sure it helps me on the road to wellness.  Otherwise it might stay bottled up, only to return stronger another day.  whaaaahh...

Sunday, October 5, 2003

Still Falling

I'm having difficulty staying present in my body.  I definitely feel the shift of the season but my resistance keeps me separate from my truest experiences.  I'm so distracted.  I've finally unpacked a few more boxes that have been disguising as furniture since I moved in last May.  At least I had the courtesy to throw some fabric over them while I continued to pile junk on them.  The unfortunate part is, now I have to find a place for the pile of junk - or dreadfully, I'll have to sort through the pile!  God only knows what's in there - old receipts, an unpaid parking ticket, long lost journal entries, pictures of the ex, birthday cards.  It doesn't matter, it could be lint and it would generate an emotional reaction from me.  I feel very fragile as I teeter in and out of consciousness.  I know the message of the season is to slow down.  I may have to write that over and over a few times before it actually sinks in (slow down, slow down, slow down).  Knowing me, I'll finally get it by next spring when it'll be time to be out again!

Saturday, October 4, 2003

I Don't Recall

I don't consider myself a political person but I found myself at a political protest rally today because my best friend said, "Come on, it'll be fun."  Well, you know what?  It was fun!  There were a few hundred of us gathered along 4th Street in Downtown Santa Monica, outside The Terminator's Campaign Headquarters.  People of all ages and races, represented by both genders strolled up and down the street chanting against Arnold Schwarzenegger and California's Recall Election.  Some of these chants were pretty creative, "Hey Arnold, what do you say, how many women have you groped today?" and "Terminate the Grope-inator."  Women of all ages wore pink dresses.  Many carried hand-made picket signs.  One family strolled through the crowd carrying their young daughter in a pink princess-gown.  I wondered what was going through the little girl's mind.  I imagined her a few years from now, "Mommy, remember that parade we were in?  That was so much fun."  For those handing out bumper stickers and marching with bullhorns, it was obvious that this was their life's work.  The thing I was most surprised by was how friendly everyone was.  Even though it was a "protest rally" everyone seemed mindful of others, respecting boundaries.  Even the cops were patrolling peacefully.  I just kept thinking, "We're preaching to the choir."  We were all there for the same purpose.  But I guess that's the whole point.  Arnold was nowhere in sight but his headquarters were plagued by plastic-looking volunteers.  All three of his door-blockers appeared to be non-human.  A little surreal.  Part of the reason I steer clear of politics is the idea that I might have to fight for a cause.  My cause is peace.  And I don't believe in fighting for peace - it's kind of an oxymoron.  Peace isn't something to be won.  Peace just is.  Don't get me wrong, I stand up for what I believe in.  I just don't want to have to fight for it.

Wednesday, October 1, 2003

"Meat" me in Hell - part 2

(30 minutes later)  ~  I don't believe in Hell - in the biblical, fire-burning-for-all-eternity sense.  I do believe we create our own reality.  And in this reality is where hell, heaven and all that's in between, above and beyond exists.  But if there were a Hell, there's a good chance I'm flying stand-by!  ~  I'm sitting at the front desk of my favorite yoga studio.  A door separates me and the class that's just about to end.  A deafening silence rushes through the studio as they rest in (appropriately) corpse pose.   Suddenly, I'm acutely aware of the smell of fried flesh waving through the studio - thus ending my hopeful stage of denial.  I can hardly control myself.  I take the first munch of my karma-burger and in walks a prospective student.  I'm preeeeetty sure this isn't good for business.  But, as it turns out, my body feels better, my spirit will do the work it needs to do (always does, no matter how much I resist), and Goda Yoga gained four new students in fifteen minutes.  I don't know if it has anything to do with my meal choice tonight but I do know I'm human.  I made a conscious choice.  And in this moment I can accept that.

"Meat" me in Hell - part 1

Oh God, it's judgment day for me.  I'm basically vegetarian (again).  Only today I'm craving meat.  And I'm not talking about the light stuff, the whimpy meat, chicken (or better yet, fish).  I mean meat - red meat - a burger!!  I believe in karma - and if I consiously choose to eat a burger today, I will pay for it in my own flesh at a future date.  HOWEVER...if I can consciously choose to be unconscious about the possible meat-eating event, I might be okay.  I mean, come on!  Denial worked for me for the first 25 years of my life.  Who's to say I can't backslide on this one ten years later?  ~  There were a few days last week that I didn't eat at all.  Not a wise choice (anxiety makes me feel too sick to eat).  But I'm completely out of nutrients (could explain last night's fever) and now my body is screaming!


Change of seasons, no matter how subtle or how obvious, has a profound affect on my entire being.  It happens four times every single year, and still I'm always taken by surprise.  Somehow, spring and summer have gotten away from me and I literally fell into fall.  And now I'm stuck in retrospect.  I would swear the last conscious thought I had was last winter.  What happened to those crisp days and chilly nights spent inside, either in a long candle-lit bath or under covers, in front of a burning fire?  I enjoyed the time I spent with myself last winter.  I needed it.  I wanted it.  Spring and summer seemed to be more of a time to be out in the world.  I went with it.  As if I was running ... from myself perhaps.  During the summer, my apartment wasn't so much of a living space as it was a storage space.  I could also spend a whole day dogwalking and still have 3 hours left to hang out on the beach and swim with the dolphins.  As the days start to get shorter and the air starts cooling off, I find myself in limbo.  Part of me resists the change while the other part of me surrenders. 

Tonight I surrender.  When I don't listen to my inner wisdom, my body starts to speak up (aches, pains).  And it's hard to resist a fever.  I've pushed the summer energy to its max - and I'm ready to fall back into myself.  Earlier a friend and I were talking.  I caught myself getting teary-eyed.  She asked what I was feeling.  I said, "I'm feeling ..." And then I realized that was the whole statement:  I'm feeling.