Friday, September 26, 2003

Honesty, Truth and feeling good

What did I do to be so blessed?  It's always been difficult for me to express a feeling that is anything other than "positive" in my relationships.  Where I come from, honesty was expected.  But speaking truth seemed to create more pain and suffering.  So I learned to keep my mouth shut... to the point where today I get so frozen with fear that I physically can't speak.  I'm (not so) sure it wasn't my parents' intent to mute me but they're certainly not idiots.  If they had given me permission to shed light on truth, it would've exposed their shadows.  They call it "dirty laundry." (oooh, taboo!)  And they'd much rather buy new clothes than wash out the old.  But (duh) the shit won't clean itself!  It's been a long, painful, exciting, rewarding journey, trying to unlearn all of that dysfunction.

Today I'm surrounded by so much love and support.  I have chosen the most incredible family.  Everyone should be so blessed.  Through these relationships, I am learning, unlearning and relearning every day.  These are the loves of my life.  And still, I get caught in old patterns.

I wonder sometimes, what I'm so afraid of when I get paralyzed.  I mean, what's the worst thing I think can happen?  I imagine it's an abandonment issue.  I know we're all responsible for our own actions and reactions.  So what if someone "leaves me" - I mean, what does that mean?  If someone chooses to leave, it's not about me.  And vice versa.  I mean, if I choose to leave it only means I'm leaving myself.  Well... that one's a bit of a fine line.  But since there are only two emotions, there are only two ways I can leave.  There's the choice to leave in fear (by cutting off or running away).  And there's the choice to leave in love (by honoring myself and the relationship - truthfully). 

In this moment I choose to stay with truth.  The more I practice truth-speaking and truth-seeking, the more comfortable I am in my skin.  And there's nothing like feeling good in this human body.

1 comment:

coy1234787 said...

   Truth speaking and seeking are what life is all about, so glad that you have continued to do thathere in J-land. Our families of choice are as important as our families of birth. Hope your upcomming visit home will quiet the rough waters some.
                         *** Coy ***