Monday, September 29, 2003

Time and Age

Time is ageless - Age is timeless.  If you have a few extra minutes in your day, do a random search through AOL Hometown Journals.  There are some fascinating people with extraordinary stories to share.  And really, these people are just like you and me (some actually are you and me).  The only thing that seperates us is our experiences.  There's the very creative (and very friendly) 7th grader, sharing about life, his family, friends and school.  There's the first-year college student, trying to find his place in the world.  There's the beautiful, heart-wrenching story of a woman's 4-year struggle with illness and infertility.  And there's the middle-aged, ex-hippie/baby-boomer's catapult into adulthood.  And really, that's just the beginning.

It's a bit of a strange thing - this time and age.  I mean, what did we ever do without the internet?  How did we get our information?  I don't even think twice about where I'll find the latest news, weather, tv/movie schedule.  And directions?!  I rely on map searches so much that I get frustrated when I'm in the car because I don't have access to them!  Just about everything I do is dependent on the internet.  But I'll tell you, this really quenches my thirst for immediacy!  I love having everything I need right here at my fingertips.  I'm on a cable modem - but even that gets sluggish... and I get so frustrated.  I mean, come on!  It sometimes takes a whole 12 seconds for the public library page to load!  In those moments, I don't think about the fact that in the past I would have had to actually drive to the library to renew my books.  Hello!

Sunday, September 28, 2003

What year is it exactly?

What happened to the billions of years that existed prior to Christ's birth?  Seriously, whose idea was it to name his birthday the first day of existence as we know it?  Today we live in the year 2003.  But we all know there were many, many (many!) years before the 2003 years we've counted.  I don't get it.  It's a strange thing to talk about years "B.C."  I understand that "Christ is the Son of God."  But what about the rest of us?!  We all come from that same Source - even God.  What makes Jesus any different from me, or you or your next-door neighbor?  And please don't go quoting some passage from the Bible - it's just a book - a beautifully written book indeed - but still, it's a book of stories.  Believe what you will... as will I.  I'm not here to debate religion.  I'm talking about the human spirit.  I want to know what others feel and think (not what we're taught to think).  The Old Testament was around way before the New Testament - doesn't make it any less of a beautiful book.    I grew up Catholic (today I am non-religious, but very spiritual).  None of what I was taught ever made sense to me.  I remember being in first grade at St. Bridget's School.  When we were sitting in church, I looked around at my classmates wondering if any of my peers were buying the stories being told.  Some looked so enthralled with what was being said.  I couldn't help but think we were being brainwashed.  I'm grateful for my inner wisdom.  I struggled through life as a non-believer in my family.  But I'm glad to know I never gave up on myself.  Many find freedom and comfort in religion.  For me, spirituality and truth has set me free.  Thank you God!

Saturday, September 27, 2003

Unconditional Love

Unconditional love.  It's almost impossible to really know what that is... until it is experienced.  Most of us grow up thinking we understand the concept of loving unconditionally.  But let's be honest - who would show up for someone without hoping for love in return?  My dog would!  And she does!  She teaches me about love every moment of every day.  When I want space, she gives it to me.  When I want attention, she gives it to me.  When I'm sick, she rests with me.  She has gone a full 24-hours without complaining about her needs.  One time last year, I had horrible food poisoning - I thought I was dying on the bathroom floor.  I couldn't leave the house to save my own life - and she stayed right by my side.  I couldn't walk her or feed her or play with her for the entire day.  She didn't even whimper!

I knew she was the love of my life when she adopted me 8 years ago.  She was the cutest pound-pup in West Los Angeles.  I feel so privileged to be her human-parent.  I never knew I could love like I love today.  She's the teacher.  I had no idea how much I loved her until, a month after she was living with me.  She was vomiting everywhere, acting all dazed and confused, stumbling through the apartment.  I rushed her to the nearest vet where I found out she had internal bleeding - she had possibly been poisoned.  It didn't occur to me the severity of it until the vet asked me to sign a disclaimer stating that I would pay the fees "no matter what the outcome."  Meaning: even if my baby dies!  That's all it took for the room to start spinning.  I felt like someone cut through my chest, grabbed hold of my heart and started yanking!  I thought, "If this is love, I quit!"  It was that painful.  If she had died, I know a huge part of me would've died right along with her.

I thank my Hunny for all the unconditional love she has to offer.  She is one of my greatest teachers.  No one will ever understand the bond between us.  And that's okay.  But I hope everyone gets the chance to experience such incredible openness, love and compassion at least once in this lifetime.

Friday, September 26, 2003

in this moment...

Anxiety - I guess that's what it's called.  I wonder how we know what labels to put on things such as emotions.  Some describe anxiety to be jittery and heart-racing.  Others use such words as heavy and overwhelming.  For me it feels speedy and unsettling.  I worry about getting up in the morning - fear.  This one's unexplainable.  That's a tough one for me, not to be able to cognitively define my reactions.  Perhaps that's the struggle... my brain is trying to control my body... instead of letting go and allowing the natural process of whatever is to come.  It takes quite a few conscious breaths for me to reach a point of release and ease.  In this moment I'm grateful for my yoga practice.  I'm grateful for breath.  I'm grateful for life and all that surrounds me.  I'm grateful for all of life's lessons - even the shitty ones.  I may not always feel good about it but in this moment I'm grateful for the wisdom to know that everything is "perfect" as it is.  And in this moment I remember perfection is imperfect - therefore everything is perfect.

Honesty, Truth and feeling good

What did I do to be so blessed?  It's always been difficult for me to express a feeling that is anything other than "positive" in my relationships.  Where I come from, honesty was expected.  But speaking truth seemed to create more pain and suffering.  So I learned to keep my mouth shut... to the point where today I get so frozen with fear that I physically can't speak.  I'm (not so) sure it wasn't my parents' intent to mute me but they're certainly not idiots.  If they had given me permission to shed light on truth, it would've exposed their shadows.  They call it "dirty laundry." (oooh, taboo!)  And they'd much rather buy new clothes than wash out the old.  But (duh) the shit won't clean itself!  It's been a long, painful, exciting, rewarding journey, trying to unlearn all of that dysfunction.

Today I'm surrounded by so much love and support.  I have chosen the most incredible family.  Everyone should be so blessed.  Through these relationships, I am learning, unlearning and relearning every day.  These are the loves of my life.  And still, I get caught in old patterns.

I wonder sometimes, what I'm so afraid of when I get paralyzed.  I mean, what's the worst thing I think can happen?  I imagine it's an abandonment issue.  I know we're all responsible for our own actions and reactions.  So what if someone "leaves me" - I mean, what does that mean?  If someone chooses to leave, it's not about me.  And vice versa.  I mean, if I choose to leave it only means I'm leaving myself.  Well... that one's a bit of a fine line.  But since there are only two emotions, there are only two ways I can leave.  There's the choice to leave in fear (by cutting off or running away).  And there's the choice to leave in love (by honoring myself and the relationship - truthfully). 

In this moment I choose to stay with truth.  The more I practice truth-speaking and truth-seeking, the more comfortable I am in my skin.  And there's nothing like feeling good in this human body.

Wednesday, September 24, 2003

Drop Me A Line

If you happen to wander into my journal, please feel free to add a comment or drop me a line.  Let me know what you are thinking or feeling.  The world (wide web) is abundantly populated - yet we're still met with the social challenges of relating.  Perhaps because it's so overwhelming.  I know for me, it seems there are so many options and opportunities, I hardly know where to begin sometimes.  ... Hmmm, I guess "less is more" in this case.  But I also realize the more I have on my schedule, the more I get done.  This could be related to my procrastination issues.

By the way, I spent another hour and a half trying to figure out that damn digital camera thing last night... still, no luck.  That's not like me.  I can usually figure this stuff out.  And this clearly taps into my perfectionist issues.  Well, there, I guess I've got it all covered this morning!

Have a fun-filled afternoon.  I'll be back to check in later.  I'm off to walk doggies, then do yoga and then hang with a 5th grade teacher at "Back to School Night".  This is where we find out just how much fun the 5th graders are having in the classroom :)

~ Peace All ~

Tuesday, September 23, 2003

Picture This

I just spent almost 4 hours trying to sync a friend's new digital camera to my computer.  Guess it would've been easier to get a roll of film developed on disc in an hour at Sav-On.  Oh well.  I'm not giving up - I'm just taking a break.  For now you'll just have to imagine the adorable pictures I took of my sweet doggie, Hunny.

Cold Sweats

It's 100 degrees up in Topanga today - but only 75 down the hill in Santa Monica.  Makes for tough wardrobe decisions.  Though, if that's the most of my worries today, then I'm set for life.  I'm getting ready to record my album.  It's about time!  I've had the material ready for at least 5 years.  Told you I am a big procrastinator.  Not only that but I'm also a perfectionist.  I guess it's safe to say, I've perfected the art of procrastination!

I've been in deep introspection for the last couple of days.  Doesn't take much to get me there.  Each time seems more profound than the last.  As I'm shifting patterns, reprogramming and unlearning all the not-so-healthy ways of being, I recognize that the "lag time" gets shorter and shorter.  Lag time being the time between the action and the reaction.  It's one thing to understand ourselves on a cognitive level.  It's a completely different experience when we begin to change that which we know (or which we think we know).

I'm not an avid reader but what I do read, soaks deep into my core.  Emmanuel's Books (by Pat Rodegast) have been at my bedside for almost ten years.  I can open to any page at any given moment and be reminded of truth.  It is the pathway to freedom.

Monday, September 22, 2003

Middle of the Night - exhausted

2:22am PDT - Yikes!  I'm really tired.  I just couldn't go to bed, leaving the first page blank!  It's not like I have to be up at the crack of dawn like so many others.  I'm more of a night-owl anyway.  But I do have to be mobile by 10am.  I know, for some that's already their 2nd or 3rd coffee break.  I'm not complaining.  I'm grateful for the life I've created.  I love being a dogwalker.  There's nothing better than setting a pack of apartment-dogs "free" in an oversized outdoor playpen - cheerfully referred to as "the dogpark".  Those two little words still make my 8 1/2 year-old, four-legged daughter go wild with joy.  She changed my life.  Afterall, if she hadn't adopted me 8 years ago, I might still be among those looking forward to that 2nd coffee break at 10am today!